Posts Tagged ‘New beginnings’

Love… so elusive yet so real… one longs for it, search for it, finds it, grasp it, embrace it, hold on to it but sometimes it goes away…. far far away from you and you wonder why. Left alone confuse, dazed, in limbo, searching for the empty remains of the could have been’s and what if’s. Yes there are moments in life when we strongly believe in happy ever after that we thought that the love we’ve found is there to stay but in reality love sometimes comes so swiftly that you thought it could just be an illusion, a dream, a fantasy conjure by a very hyperactive imagination.

Yet, love… once you’ve felt it there’s really no denying it. It’s as real as it can get no matter how short, no matter how fleeting because your heart won’t lie, it beats fast when it gets excited, like it has a life of its own especially when the feeling is so strong and you’re just so filled with ecstasy that you’re bursting and you want to shout to the world “I’m in love”. Ahhh yeah the joy of loving is really indescribable but when it’s gone be prepared to face up reality and the pain that goes with it.

No matter how much one wants to keep that love forever sometimes it just goes away and you cannot hold it in your hand nor can you go back in time and rekindle the fire that’s no longer there. Yes we all do experience falling in and out of love and in my part and most of the blogs entry here is dedicated to one person.

Of course there are also others who’ve come into my life before and after him but his impact in my life is one that I’ll always remember for the rest of my life. This is indeed my journey into love journal chronicling my confuse state and the quest to find that one true love you’ve been dreaming about as a child and if perhaps you still believe in fairy tales that knight in shinning armor the damsel in distress is waiting for.

But it’s been a long time I stop reading or believing in fairy tales and the happy ever after. And no I’m not cynic about love infact most of my friends tells me I’m so in love with the idea of love. Maybe I am or maybe I’m not who knows sometimes I confuse the two statement.

People say love comes when you least expect it and I was not really searching or looking for it that time but whallah one fateful day 5 years ago I meet someone that would forever change the way I view and react towards love. I am not a very emotional person nor do I show my feelings to anyone so at times people tend to see me as a cold person but what they didn’t know is that I’m just too passionate about a lot of things especially love but am just too damned scared to show my feelings to anyone.

Maybe I fear rejection or maybe I fear showing my weakness but everything change when I meet this person. He turn my life inside out and change me forever. We did have a long journey and our story is not the forever kind of thing because we didn’t find the link that could see us through to forever. I guess we are too similar in many ways and our pride gets in the way.

We are too afraid to show what we really feel, we keep hiding in this masquerade of make beliefs and lies pretending that we don’t value one another that much when deep inside we feel something more. I do not regret whatever that I’ve done or whatever shortcomings I have because I guess am not ready to take that leap of faith with you to believe in the ever after, to truly lose myself to someone and be really one in heart and soul.

I guess I still value my individuality and no I’m not the only one to blame cause you also have your shortcomings and faults but time has passed yet we’re still dancing the same rhythm and sometimes it gets tiresome, you wish for a new rhythm, a new dance to break the cycle.

And you pray hard to let go of that old song that you still keep on playing in your head and your feet can’t help but jive to the music. Oh how lovely the old song that’s been embedded into your heart, caressing your soul like no one can but then it gets broken and you could no longer play it so you must search for another one to play with and hopefully learn to dance again to the new rhythm.

You are my old song that keeps on playing in my head but like the changing season I must move on with time and learn a new song so that someday I can dance again to the rhythm of my heart and my soul will be finally free to love again and who knows this time around might be just different and I’ll have the best dance in my life.

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Forgiveness is sometimes hard to give especially if you’ve been hurt so deep by the person you love. The one whom you think your world revolves around that you envision yourself to spend a lifetime together. Then, out of nowhere they suddenly disappear leaving you behind with a lot of questions and a hurt so deep. Yes indeed it is time that heals the wound and make you move on to forget the memories, the pain of the betrayal and maybe look up to a new future. The future that could possibly bring a new love, a new hope, a new beginning but what if suddenly the person who cause you all those hurt suddenly reappears.

It is a dilemma especially if you are starting to pick up the pieces in your life and the wounds started healing. You thought you have forgotten him and have moved on but why do just a mere hello turn your inside to jitters. Suddenly you are back at where you are before that you can’t quite understand why you’re feeling happy, when you should have been angry in the first place, then to feel suddenly as if nothing happens. The hurt and pain you’ve felt just evaporated in thin air. You hold on to your pride, to your anger, to your betrayal, to your hurt but only to hold unto it in vain. Because loving breaks barriers, heals all your pain and makes you hope again that maybe this time around love will come to stay. Since in reality we can’t resist the temptation to open our heart again to the one we love.

PS. written May 30, 2008 for md

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Sometimes in life we walk a different path, go our own separate ways and find our own lives. It will not be forever that people will do the same thing over and over again cause by then things will tend to stagnate. But the funny thing about life is when people do drift apart or part ways they don’t always find the way to go back to what it is used to be maybe because time has pass and your not anymore comfortable with what is left behind. But sometimes in life too when you do go back and reminisce what you did left behind you realize it was worth going back in the first place cause it was the one thing that made you who your are, who were there when you felt the world has turn its back on you, who push you up everytime you stumble and fall. Yes it is good to grow up and find our niche in this world cause sooner or later we will need to find that path where our life should circumnavigate but then again memories too are worth savoring every part of your journey to self discovery and contentment for without it we are an empty shell going about our life with no substance at all. Our past do help shape what we will become someday so never do erase what is left behind in your life but mold it well to suit what you will become someday.