Posts Tagged ‘Love’

b4ef3fcd60ec943b4acc9fba8f2f96e2

It’s been days I’m meaning to write something about you for reason that I just miss you so and I don’t know why. I mean I realize that I have let you go over a year ago because I respect your choice and she was your choice. I don’t wanna stand in the way of your happiness and besides I keep telling myself that you never mean something to me, you were just someone I passed time with and to divert my attention from the person who’ve been preoccupying my mind every waking day of my life. I told myself you were there when my life seems boring and I was there when you feel lonely and the gf is away. Everything was stolen moment, everything is not quite right yet we fill up the emptiness we both felt that time. You fill my empty days with your mere presence just a smile and a hi then I forget that I was lonely and longing for someone not you. I fill your empty days with my presence and keep you company till you fall asleep becoz your gf is busy at work. Everyday same routine, same habit till we got used to each other and the set up is quite ok no hassle, no expectation and I know at that time that I was not your priority I am just your option still you ask me that question time and time again to be your girlfriend and I said no. No because I don’t want to share you and No because I don’t want to be girlfriend number 2 if you want me to be yours then let it be me only. I am selfish like that I don’t want things to be complicated, I don’t want it to be a triangle I just want it to be just the two of us. Yet even if we don’t have a relationship with each other we continue doing what we are doing, video chatting, talking on the phone and getting to know each other bit by bit till we didn’t realize that days have turn to weeks and months to years. When you went home one time you said you wanna meet me if you can but then you fail though I’m a bit disappointed I understand because we’re not connected and I don’t have a hold on you and I don’t love you so why get hurt right.

When you came back to your place you talk to me again same old routine but I never get bored I was happy to spend time with you not realizing what I believe to be just a platonic relationship could mean something to me because by then I started missing you and looking to the time we’ll see each other online and talk. I’ve even asked myself how you find time to talk to me for hours and still talk to your girlfriend must be very good at managing your time. Don’t get me wrong I don’t wanna be the third wheel in your relationship hence the reason I didn’t want to be your gf. But saying goodbye to you and not talking to you for a longtime is a different story and I feel you felt that way too cause you always find a way to talk to me even at the wee hour of the morning. Then you said you’re going home again and hope we can meet this time around it would be your third time to come back home since we’ve known each other and twice you disappointed me so I don’t believe that we’ll ever meet this time around. I also have a strange feeling that this time around I could no longer hold on to you because somethings going to change and I was so right because just weeks after you arrived you ask her to be your wife and yeah I know you’ve made your choice and since I’m no longer even an option I must stay away for good our story would end here because I don’t want to be dangling around you anymore waiting for the time that we’ll see each other for real not just on webcam.

I did not cry because I tell myself I don’t love you I love someone else and I don’t cry for someone I don’t love maybe I’ll miss you cause we did have some memories together. I move on as I usually do telling myself I am fine that you’re married that I am happy because you’re happy and you deserved each other. I guess we’re not meant to be coz’ there was never an us to begin with. So for more than a year I stop thinking of finding someone, of dating someone, of falling in love cause I feel I’m contented with my life but not until I see you once again in a social site with your wife happy and smiling and I suddenly burst into tears more than a year too late. Because by then I realize that I was just deluding myself that you didn’t mean something to me that I love someone else not you and when you said one time I love you and I replied I love you too I was actually meaning it. I started to care but was to scared to hope, to believe that there could have been something because I know you’re committed to someone already and I don’t wanna intrude but I guess I was in denial and hypocrite with you and with my feelings. When you choose her I did not ask why her not me I did not fight for what I feel because I respect your decision and I always thought of myself maybe I’m just your option someone you pass time with. But the irony of it all was that I’ve known you first before you meet your wife, we were friends first before you even know her and you ask me to be your girlfriend and I said no because by that time you are in a complicated relationship and when it did not work you told me you were heartbroken but I did not listen to you. I did not believe you because I was angry at you for not seeing me when you come home the first time around and I keep my distance I was not there for you not realizing you really do need someone that time and thus the time you’ve meet your future wife. I could say I’ve regretted that time I’ve stayed away because things could have been different we could have workout differently and you wouldn’t have meet your wife but then again things didn’t happen that way and what we have will only remain in the pages of unrealized online dating. I do miss you honestly but I guess I can’t do that either so now I’m closing that chapter in my life thought I know I’ll go along with a little regret in my heart.

Image

Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

There comes a point in your life that you’ll realize the best thing to do is wait and trust that in the end what your heart’s desire will come to pass. I have not been in a writing mode for sometime but as I’ve realize there are still people who visited my blog and some stumbled upon it by accident and one way or another they stay and read some of my entry. Yes we are all guilty sometimes of yearning so much for love and affection for the opposite sex that some people forgot to cherish it as a gift not to be chased but must be welcome with open arms. And since we just can’t set back and wait for it we tend to move fast thinking when somebody good or even not so good comes along we’re off to never neverland and dreaming of a happy ever after and life as a bed of roses. But this illusion doesn’t last so long coz’ then reality sets in and we now try to find many faults with our partner. I wonder if we could ever accept a person for everything that he is flaws and all and not be too judgemental if suddenly the prince you think is too good for you turnout to be a frog. If we were given choices of course we’ll always choose the prince over the frog. However, when we love someone deeply we must be able to love first the frog before the prince only then can we love with our hearts not our sights. Indeed really loving someone is a very confusing emotion coz’ who knows it might just be a love for sight and not love by feelings. So many times we confused love with physical attraction and chemistry hence most people experience heartbreak and disillusionment. I myself is still struggling with separating these feelings of confusing love coz at times I tend to feel love with different people at the same time. I love him for this, I love him for that, OH how I wish he has this trait that the other one has then it would be perfect. See it’s hard even to love somebody with all your heart without comparing him to past love or other people one feels a bit of affection. Even at this point in my life when I’m past the stage of young love and I’m into adult love I still felt confused coz’ I did love somebody before more than the other men in my life yet there are things about him that I feel hypocritical yet my feelings run deep that I did many crazy things. I did not love him by sight but I love him with a deep feelings that reaches the very core of my being yet sometimes I fail to give all the love that I should have given knowing the depths of what I feel. I guess when all is said and done I’m just human also blinded by the quest of that elusive perfect love which come to think of it really doesn’t exist. (10-31-11 @ 11:30pm)

It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

I have this blog for quite sometime now in the hope that this will chronicle my journey towards finding the perfect love for me, the happy ever after and the one I just can’t live without. But is there such a thing as perfect love? Are we capable of giving love unconditionally or perhaps only our mind can perceive what our heart cannot give. It’s simple really we are humans bound by the norms and morale of society easily hurt and discourage thus influence how we receive and give love. It’s not intentional to limit one’s love because perhaps that’s the only amount he can give because giving too much is unbearable for him for fear of hurting, for fear of rejection among other things. Then there are those who give too much thinking that if they shower you with enough love perhaps they might get it in return and so much more but sometimes no matter how hard you give love, how selfless you are in giving yourself some people just don’t reciprocate the way you feel. I guess that’s love sometimes grand, sometimes euphoric but a bit complicated. It could have been simple and perfect but we love to live the rollercoaster ride of emotion when we love someone maybe that’s the spice of it or maybe we just like the idea or the drama of a less smooth ride of our journey through love.

As for myself it’s been so long I’ve try to find that person whom I can give all of me without pretention, without fear, without misgiving and just really be true to who I am. But I’ve failed many times, expect too much, fly so high only to find my wings broken, my heart bruised, my illusion shattered and back again to my reality that there is no such thing as a perfect love. That one can only find real meaning in love if one learns to accept the others shortcoming and failure. To value him for all that he is and accept that although he might not measure up to your expectation but love can bridge one’s imperfection

12-20-10 start at 11:23pm

It’s the end of the month once again and here I am thinking how time flies. It seems so many things have change yet there’s still the one constant thing that remain the same my never ending journey of finding the right love for me. I know sometimes it’s so deceiving you thought you’ve find the one who will stay with you forevermore only to be disappointed later on. Next month will be the monthsary of the time I meet someone who’ve been a special part in my life. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years cause a lot of things happen between us but of course not the desire outcome I would have like. But yet I’m grateful to him for teaching my heart to love again, to hope, to dream and believe of a happy ever after. No we still don’t have our happy ever after nor could there be a chance because so many unspoken words left unsaid so many feelings left untackle and I guess we just have too much pride between us. I have accept the fact that maybe all we could ever be is good friends not great lover. I mean I can’t blame him because he did tried but I am just too freaking scared of what will happen afterwards. Too afraid to take a chance, to take that leap of faith that maybe possibly there could be an us. I was too contented to be just his friend and nothing more and now I’m still thinking of the could have been. But no used now because his gone and away from my life although he communicate once in awhile with me through sms but that’s all I’ve got just a forward message to know his still alive and breathing but can never be mine.

Sometimes in life all you can do is surrender it all to the one force that is greater than you because if you go on doing what you’re doing you’ll only end up exhausting your energy, your effort and yourself. Not so long ago I like two people and indeed they have become a part of my life. They lift me up when I’m feeling blue, they inspire when I feel uninspired, they let me hope that possibly there could be a you and a me. You might wonder why do I like two people and not one isn’t love just the two of us and not the three of us. But strange as it may seem I confuse myself too coz I like them both. Of course I must admit that the other one I feel more deeply since we’ve already shared so many memories together. And our journey and meeting is full of ups and down that even myself can’t quite believe that we’ve come this far. The other one I meet because I want to forget the other one thinking that if I meet someone new and possibly connect then I’ll forget the first. But who am I kidding instead I’ve confused my feelings for both of them and the last guy I sort of connected because he was so expressive and so sweet with what he feels unlike the first guy. However, my feelings for guy 1 runs so deep because at my loneliest hour and saddest moment he was always there to cheer me up. Yet he confuses me because I can’t seem to understand what I am to him so that’s why guy 2 comes into the picture. But as they say the more you play with love the less likely you get something in return and that’s what happen to me. I mean I’ve not intentionally play with love I’m just a lonely person looking for the one who’ll be willing to stay with me forever yet by some strange twist of fate they’re both gone from my life. The first guy finally went home to his hometown for good which if I take the cue makes our situation more difficult and less likely our story to have an ending. The other one actually found another love and it was not me I can’t blame him because we meet at the wrong time when he was already committed to someone and then when things didn’t workout with them I was angry with him so I guess we just drift apart. Then I realize maybe it’s God way of telling me to let them go and really, really move on with my life because little by little in His own little way he takes them away from me. It’s not so painful as I’ve thought it would be maybe because I’ve been trying to distance and untangled myself from them for awhile. Of course I wouldn’t deny that a part of my ego was hurt especially guy 2 for choosing another girl besides me. Oh well maybe we are just not meant to be and with regards to guy 1 our story definitely has no ending still yet I guess it’s better if we won’t keep on holding but move on to where we are meant to be because it’s been so long we’ve been dancing the same rhythm, singing the same song, going around in circles which is so mind boggling creates confusing feelings. I guess it’s time to say goodbye to my past and say hello to my future. Although uncertain but I know somewhere, somehow the one who is intended for me will come my way and stay with me for keeps.

PS: By the way this month is the 3 year anniversary of my blog in where I decide to chronicle my journey into love. It’s been quite an adventure meet some interesting people, fall in love, break my heart yet still believing somewhere there’s always someone waiting for me it’s just a matter of time.

There comes a point in your life when you just want to surrender it all to fate especially if despite all the longings and wishes of your heart yet it remains unanswered. When love seems so close but feels so far, when the person you long to be with seems so unreachable, then you find out your heart seems to be tired of everything and it feels bruised as if its been punched a thousand times. Yet the amazing thing about the heart is that it recuperate and does not stop beating. It continues on loving no matter how painful, how traumatic and hurt it feels sometimes, because the heart does not get discourage. It goes on hoping and loving endlessly believing that even if at times there seems to be no answer, people seem oblivious, too callous and cold yet something keeps on beating because it knows that somewhere, somehow there’s always someone willing to open its door on love. ¬†For love is forever it knows no boundaries, conquers all misgivings, tear down walls and heal all pains. Just like my heartbeat that never stops beating, in rhythm with the music of my heart always believing somewhere, somehow love will find its way to me and stay there for good.

How time flies and half of the year is already gone but it seems to me life is just drifting, passing me by with the same dilemma over and over again. I don’t know why I’ve reached this point in my life where it’s so hard for me to say goodbye, move on and get on with my life. May was a trying month for me besides losing my job I also decided to let go of two people who’ve become an integral part of my life.

The first friend is so hard to let go because I’ve known him for almost 3 years and for all the things that I’ve done and sacrifice I can’t just imagine life without him. But we’ve been dancing to the same tunes for years now and the stepping seems to echo the same pattern over and over again. It seems were always running round and round in circles without a clear goal in mind. I can’t blame him or myself because we wanted two different things at very opposite directions so it’s hard to go from there when there’s no unity. I’ve wished many times for things to change that somehow, somewhere there could be an ending to our story but it’s so futile so I really do wished to move on and get on with my life without always thinking about him.

The other one I’ve meet last year but it was not until January that we’ve become closer and I thought there was something going on in there until I found out about his lies and his girl. I won’t deny I started to feel something for him maybe it’s because of the closeness we’ve had for months but being number two is not my cup of tea. I started to stay away from him last month and do my disappearing act but there are moments that I’ve missed him. And I was so confuse because I’m the type of person who only fall in love with one person and I do love someone but my feelings for him is quite mixed up. It’s his bday today but I didn’t greet him because sometimes I don’t understand myself why I’m angry and jealous at him. Maybe I’m starting to feel something or maybe there is just so much left unsaid.

And here I am thinking that I’ve already given them up last May and finally free myself of all the dramas and unwanted emotional uncertainty only to find out this month that both of them are still a part of my life. Both of them still wants me in their life and can quite accept perhaps if I’ll be gone completely. But I don’t want the uncertainty I’ve felt for them and sometimes I asked myself if I’m just deluding myself of the mixed signals and confusing emotions. Maybe because I’m lonely that’s why I’m so needy. I’m not usually like these I can walk away easily if I find a certain situation so inconvenient and if I’m not treated well by men.

Maybe sometimes the price we pay for growing up is having to make do with lonely feeling we felt when there’s no one around to comfort, care and love us. But at this point in my life I don’t want a love that is only half full and half empty I want a love that is full without restrictions, without prejudices and without other parties involve. Because if I love someone I love him with all of me and I accept him for whatever shortcomings and imperfections he might have.