Posts Tagged ‘Lost’

b4ef3fcd60ec943b4acc9fba8f2f96e2

It’s been days I’m meaning to write something about you for reason that I just miss you so and I don’t know why. I mean I realize that I have let you go over a year ago because I respect your choice and she was your choice. I don’t wanna stand in the way of your happiness and besides I keep telling myself that you never mean something to me, you were just someone I passed time with and to divert my attention from the person who’ve been preoccupying my mind every waking day of my life. I told myself you were there when my life seems boring and I was there when you feel lonely and the gf is away. Everything was stolen moment, everything is not quite right yet we fill up the emptiness we both felt that time. You fill my empty days with your mere presence just a smile and a hi then I forget that I was lonely and longing for someone not you. I fill your empty days with my presence and keep you company till you fall asleep becoz your gf is busy at work. Everyday same routine, same habit till we got used to each other and the set up is quite ok no hassle, no expectation and I know at that time that I was not your priority I am just your option still you ask me that question time and time again to be your girlfriend and I said no. No because I don’t want to share you and No because I don’t want to be girlfriend number 2 if you want me to be yours then let it be me only. I am selfish like that I don’t want things to be complicated, I don’t want it to be a triangle I just want it to be just the two of us. Yet even if we don’t have a relationship with each other we continue doing what we are doing, video chatting, talking on the phone and getting to know each other bit by bit till we didn’t realize that days have turn to weeks and months to years. When you went home one time you said you wanna meet me if you can but then you fail though I’m a bit disappointed I understand because we’re not connected and I don’t have a hold on you and I don’t love you so why get hurt right.

When you came back to your place you talk to me again same old routine but I never get bored I was happy to spend time with you not realizing what I believe to be just a platonic relationship could mean something to me because by then I started missing you and looking to the time we’ll see each other online and talk. I’ve even asked myself how you find time to talk to me for hours and still talk to your girlfriend must be very good at managing your time. Don’t get me wrong I don’t wanna be the third wheel in your relationship hence the reason I didn’t want to be your gf. But saying goodbye to you and not talking to you for a longtime is a different story and I feel you felt that way too cause you always find a way to talk to me even at the wee hour of the morning. Then you said you’re going home again and hope we can meet this time around it would be your third time to come back home since we’ve known each other and twice you disappointed me so I don’t believe that we’ll ever meet this time around. I also have a strange feeling that this time around I could no longer hold on to you because somethings going to change and I was so right because just weeks after you arrived you ask her to be your wife and yeah I know you’ve made your choice and since I’m no longer even an option I must stay away for good our story would end here because I don’t want to be dangling around you anymore waiting for the time that we’ll see each other for real not just on webcam.

I did not cry because I tell myself I don’t love you I love someone else and I don’t cry for someone I don’t love maybe I’ll miss you cause we did have some memories together. I move on as I usually do telling myself I am fine that you’re married that I am happy because you’re happy and you deserved each other. I guess we’re not meant to be coz’ there was never an us to begin with. So for more than a year I stop thinking of finding someone, of dating someone, of falling in love cause I feel I’m contented with my life but not until I see you once again in a social site with your wife happy and smiling and I suddenly burst into tears more than a year too late. Because by then I realize that I was just deluding myself that you didn’t mean something to me that I love someone else not you and when you said one time I love you and I replied I love you too I was actually meaning it. I started to care but was to scared to hope, to believe that there could have been something because I know you’re committed to someone already and I don’t wanna intrude but I guess I was in denial and hypocrite with you and with my feelings. When you choose her I did not ask why her not me I did not fight for what I feel because I respect your decision and I always thought of myself maybe I’m just your option someone you pass time with. But the irony of it all was that I’ve known you first before you meet your wife, we were friends first before you even know her and you ask me to be your girlfriend and I said no because by that time you are in a complicated relationship and when it did not work you told me you were heartbroken but I did not listen to you. I did not believe you because I was angry at you for not seeing me when you come home the first time around and I keep my distance I was not there for you not realizing you really do need someone that time and thus the time you’ve meet your future wife. I could say I’ve regretted that time I’ve stayed away because things could have been different we could have workout differently and you wouldn’t have meet your wife but then again things didn’t happen that way and what we have will only remain in the pages of unrealized online dating. I do miss you honestly but I guess I can’t do that either so now I’m closing that chapter in my life thought I know I’ll go along with a little regret in my heart.

Love

Posted: June 19, 2008 in Choices, I love you, Letting Go, Love
Tags: , , , ,

 

*Love is patient.

How long will you be patient?

How long will you wait

If that person you love

Doesn’t even learn to trust you

Is it love? Can love exist without trust?

No I don’t think so

For love is unconditional

It trust, It accept, It forgive

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love is kind.

How can love be kind?

If you’re being a martyr

If the love you’ve given

Has not been given back in kind

When you’re life is full of suffering

Unhappiness, disillusionment, tragedy

Both physical and emotional

Do we need to hurt the one we love

Do we need to hold them so close

Because we fear of losing that someone

Who means so much

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love does not suffocate nor does it restricts

It helps you grow and find yourself

Without losing your own identity

by sharing your life with someone

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love creates endless possibilities

And let you fly so high

Knowing that if you fall

It will always be there

Open, free, willing, accepting

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love is blind.

It cannot be blind

How can you see the loveliness

Of the feelings it creates

If you don’t see

But only feel its emotions

For you to know love

You must see it

In it’s totality

without lies

without pretensions

without prejudice

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love is life’s complexities

We may spend a lifetime

Defining its existence

But we can never really

Define its real meaning

In a simple quote or theory

For love knows no boundaries

Nor has a single definition

It is as old as time

So unpredictable, so strong

But at the same time

Creates calmness and peace

Deep inside of you

Like no one could

~~~~~~~~~~~

PS. Wrote this one last summer of 2005….this is not a poem just a thought I have when I was feeling so stress with one of my friend situation…anyways feel free to comment about this one would really love to hear your opinions you might disagree with some of the things I’ve said but hey this a free country was only writing my stressful thought that time 🙂

r79265p8.gif

Just thinking about it and writing this blog makes my heart aches oh but I must say this to you Goodbye for now my duckie but I miss you cause you just brought me so much joy when you came into my life. You are really one of a kind haven’t met a person like you who is a bit out of this world with your silly thoughts and ideas. My christmas was happy because of you just talking, talking nonsense out of this world foolish foolish talks. Oh we were like kids trapped in the adult world of living. We share something out of our lonely existence. You were there for me and I for you but I guess nothing is really constant in this world I guess we must change and move on and makes me so sad really I want to cry, I want to write you something special a poem perhaps but have never got around to it. No word can’t quite describe what I feel for you maybe in time the words to my poem will materialize but as of now I’m just so full of feelings I can’t quite comprehend. I did promise you before I will write something but it sad you won’t be able to read it. Oh geez why must it end why must there goodbye to you too, I like having you around too much, i like hearing your voice, your laughter and I miss seeing your smiley faces and I miss your teasing. I miss the songs oh its very hard cause everytime I turn on my mp4 most of your songs pop up making me remember and think of you. Will I ever get over this longing for you and just get on with my life. But it seems I’ve no inclination to find someone new not like before where its so easy to look for a replacement but I guess this time around you leave more part of you than I ever bargain for. Oh if we could only froze time and stay there forever to the fun times we have but I guess I must learn to live again my life without you and just thank you for coming into my life. No matter how brief for then I realize that there is someone who has bit the same temperament and can understand me just as I am. Goodbye, I hope someday is not too short and permit us to see each other again and who knows oh well its always free to dream so for now all I have to do is dream again 🙂

one_moment_by_e_rain.jpg

I wish I can love you as much as you love me but I’m so sorry if I can only love you half heartedly. Silly me to think one can love only in half not in whole. Who am I kidding around but only myself and maybe hurt you in the long run. But I like having you around, I like the way you cared for me and I don’t know why I hold back in giving you all my love. Maybe I’m scared that I will be into deep with you and fear the thought of losing you. At least if I love you just a little bit not too much then if you go the hurt would be less painful and my heart will not be as broken as before. Or maybe the reason I can’t give you all of me because my heart still beats for someone else. It is really not intentional I do wish to love you truly but I can’t maybe in time and you can still wait for me.

PS: This post is somewhat related to my blog Sometimes but that blog talks about the other guy. I wrote that blog first then Wishes.