Posts Tagged ‘Life’

I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

Summer has finally come to an end and here I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that this month would be full of exciting adventures and revelation but oh was I wrong. I’ve spend this month mostly wrapped up in my so-called life meaning more schoolwork and less fun and adventure.

I was also hiding from someone because as I’ve said in my previous post I don’t want to be just a second choice but I don’t know what happen things didn’t workout well with them but not thanks to me ok because I was not in the picture when things went sour. I was in hiding and hiatus for almost a month now. I didn’t regret my decision and I thought that I would really be hurt seeing them together but no there was no ache in my heart.

Maybe the reason I was so bother and sad couple of months ago when he finally admitted to me he has a girlfriend is that my EGO was hurt and bruised but I guess the feelings didn’t run deep. Although I won’t deny for a time I was taken with him and quite captivated that I’ve forgotten my other friend the one I keep writing about in this blog. The one who made me confuse about my feelings, the one who can make me feel both sad and happy at the same time, the one I keep thinking about most of the time and the one who’ve always been there at the sad moments in my life.

But then I realize I’ve waisted so much time and emotion with all these uncertain guys and yet they still leave me empty and searching for more. They can’t seem to fill up that emptiness and loneliness I sometimes feel. Or maybe I am just expecting too much from them and not accepting the things that they can give me.

Oh love you’re such a confusing sentiment at times that you leave me breathless and clueless but yet you’re still such a wonderful feeling that can create great excitement and stir up a positive emotion that warms you up from the tip of your toe up to the remotest part of your brain that tugs a special part of your heart.

I can’t believe how time flies, it seems that over a year has passed since we meet. And oh what an eventful year  it was I’ve realize so many things, my feelings have its ups and down. I have my fair share of tears, pains and confusion with regards to what I feel for you. I won’t deny that I do feel something for you maybe this is what love is all about. Caring too much for the person, for his welfare and even accepting all of his shortcomings. But the sad part is I never did know what I am in your life. Am I just more than a friend? Am I a puzzle to solve? Am I a challenge or conquest? I guess I’m one insecure person when I’m with you. Because I don’t know where my place is and I’m expecting too much for something that you can’t quite give. But after awhile I learn to accept our situation, although I must admit the feelings I have is still here in my heart, but in order for one to grow one must learn to move on and pick up the pieces of one’s life. I’m not actually saying goodbye because I always like having you around even if not like the way I want it to be, but being friends is much better than life without you in it. I’m not also closing my doors that there could never be an US but I’m more realistic in facing life that possibly US might just mean friends and not forevermore. And who knows there is something more enstore for you and me. Whatever life brings I’ll always be grateful to God for giving me a chance to meet someone like you. Thank you for everything and for touching a part of my life.

There comes a point in your life when you question yourself  how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster.  Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

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Oh how I wish to tell you what I am feeling inside? Just to let you know that somehow you have a special place in my heart. Unfortunately something’s holding me back why I can’t say it to you directly. Maybe I fear the part that you’ll say to me “Hey let’s just be friends like we are now.” Maybe I am expecting something that if I ever do tell you how much you mean to me then perhaps you’ll say “I love you sunshine.”  There are only two scenarios that could happen if I ever feel the guts to tell you so but I guess I am just too chickens**t to say what I really feel. I am just too freaking contented of how things are. Or maybe I am just deluding myself that I am contented when deep inside I feel a certain sadness that in my dreams I see the two of us together for all times but in reality we are friends but not the way I would have imagine it to be. I guess for now I’ll just accept this thing since the guts always left me out in the cold and loneliest days of my life.

island-romance

A new year has finally enter and it seems my life’s drama still going on and on. Well it’s not actually a drama but this feeling I have for you seems an endless cycle I can’t quite escape. But sometimes its too hard to make a really good choice as if I feel myself watching the hit series for “love or money” where you are to choose which you prefer the love or the money. It’s what a close friend once says to me that a beauty queen during a question and answer portion was asked if you were given a choice which would you choose crown or love  and she says the crown.

So my friend ask me what would you choose and I tell her at this moment in my life I would choose the crown because if you were to ask me a couple of months back or year ago I would definitely say love. That is just me I’m a romantic person always believing that love is far greater than any money or riches can be found in life. However if one get burn too many times one prefers to choose the crown or the money than continue on playing with fire all for the glory of love.

But in your case its really so hard to decide because I’ve waited too long for you, I’ve hold on to you when the pain I’ve felt was too strong, I’ve forgive you too many times when I thought you’ve left me hanging in there. Now that I’m at a point where my dreams are too precious to me it seems you’re calling me home to take a chance with you, to take a risk and to choose love once again. 

It’s really a confusing time for me when I’ve invested too much already to pursue a dream of being independent yet the allure of your arms waiting for me seems to keep me alive of a promise perhaps of a new love. Could I possibly be happy with just a crown or could I possibly have the best of both world by knowing how to do to the right balance. Well who knows God really is the only one who can answer my prayer but honestly speaking at this moment in time I’m really confuse which path to take.

I’m not supposed to say bad words & do bad things & that sort of stuff but geeesh sometimes I forget & I say forgive me Lord please….Anyways I can’t sleep yet I need to wake up early tomorrow & gotta do lots of things…but damn you geezz why oh why I try so hard to finally not stalk your profile, think of you, listen to your music so that perhaps I might move on cause you’re my uncertain weakness….isn’t it quite obvious I’m blogging more these days so it means somethings bothering me, maybe its you, maybe its work but I know in time it’ll pass…but you know what I went again to your profile & the funny thing is that I see your latest uploaded songs by Leona Lewis…and what’s even more funnier is that I was really contemplating making a playlist all by Leona Lewis & you beat me to that…I read all the lyrics to the songs you’ve upload so whose regret are you feeling, are you still holding on to your past? Hmm oh well but what made me laugh is your last song “Better in time” ahhh so we got the same theme song ehh we wish to get better in time hahaha but how many songs we’ve had in common too many to even mention ….. your playlist is still in my mp4 I haven’t deleted either single one…but when I hear the songs I’m wallowing in my self pity & regret….how about you what are you feeling? what are you thinking? Are you still regretful about the past? Let’s move on & get better in time….

PS: done august 12, 2008 just after I’ve written I actually matter

I actually matter

Posted: August 13, 2008 in Choices, Journey, Letting Go
Tags: , , ,

Here I am again not planning to sleep early since I was having my two days PMS mood when actually I’m far from having my period. It’s been two months since I’ve had it cause the doc says its the side effect of all my medication. Anyway my mood says otherwise seems my day started gloomy I keep staring at the wall hoping the bad feelings I have would go away. It take half a day & half an afternoon for it to finally subside. I was ready to call it quits was really bother until a little incident amuse me. I mean in this modern world we’re living I didn’t expect to see male chivalry. I’m so used to doing things my own way I actually don’t need a guy to do things for me. It must have been due to many years without a father figure cause papa is always away with his work. So like my mama we tend to survive on our own & men really was just a small significant in our lives.

Mama always tells us not to fall too hard over heals or go crazy about a particular guy & I did just that but though I know sooner or later I”m gonna fall too over heels in love. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my share of heartaches but not too many to even make a significant difference. But it was only last year that I’ve realize how important to have a significant person to stay by your side. It was not love maybe more on physical attraction & I know it won’t last but hey his tall, skinny, fair complexion (hmmm I always have that fetish for fair coloring not the moreno ones) & young (sssh its a secret I also have fetish for younger ones but not anymore) so after that I’ve met two other guys (not counting the blind dates) well literally speaking I’ve only met one guy of that two because that other one is kind of complicated hehehe

Before I go any further I’ll go back to what happen this afternoon, while I was going to the comfort room I’ve met my idol (as I’ve fondly call him & my friends know who he is) was really surprise when he held the door open wide for me to pass by so kinda shock but I know its not biggie deal. Actually the reason why I like looking at him cause he reminds me of the young person I met last year. Then the other incident happens with another officemate & I also notice him cause his bearing reminds me of the other guy I’ve met this year & he also open the door for me to pass by. It’s actually funny for me to think at this day & age…hehehe so at least it lightens my mood this afternoon…

But the most funny thing when I arrive home, as I check my friendster page of those who view me I saw him hmmm its been awhile since he view my profile & I wonder could he perhaps be curious with my life now. Ahh his been the reason why I’ve got this job in the first place & pass my board exam call it “na challenge” even change my smart number just to forget about him. Don’t know if its a deeper feeling or just some sort of admiration but all I know is that his a good guy. Hmm and now I’m wondering did he perhaps thought that I’m already in another country cause I keep telling him that before or was he shock about all my two piece pics(kapal moks ko talaga).

But I never did get to find what was my real feelings for him all I know my friends keep asking me before whose the lucky guy kc blooming daw & I keep telling them no one special. I guess I was happy at that time & even some of my friends told me if they where to choose they would choose him over MD…hmm & actually that’s my dilemma before cause MD was so like me in so many ways & our age so close. We like the same music, have the same twisted humour & just so out of this world ideas. I guess it was a time when we needed each other to fill out the boredom we’ve felt at that time. But I haven’t met him only see him on cam. He always told me one day we’ll meet but I’m tired of waiting for what??? But this other one I met him. He went to our house once while visiting some clients. Though I know his out of my reach, his too tall for me & maybe his intention was just purely friendship while I get this crazy notion I always draw inside my head if i get interested with a person. Then the bubble burst & the illusion died but hey why did you view my profile…did you miss me or are you just curious what happen to me….I’m not yet in Singapore maybe someday soon then perhaps Canada hahaha now I’m in my wishful mood again…in case you happen to read this ahh don’t know what you’ll think of this…but I do thank you for that short live friendship, the calls, the sms & even that meeting last february.

PS: Done august 12, 2008 almost close to midnight

It’s close to midnight and I see you online. Should I say hi, hello, How’ve you been? It’s been awhile and I miss your company? Or should I just ignore you the same way that you’ve gone away for awhile. Ahhh this is always the case on and off then I see you again and we’re back at the beginning. What I need now is to be strong in facing my future alone without you. To make my own plans, to focus more on my own dreams and  hopefully to forget you totally. It’s really up to you if you intend to keep your promise. But, as for me I’m going to fly away and chase my dreams, and if someday God permits I might just go back the same path, the same road again and perhaps see you there waiting for me. But, that’s too long to think, too far to imagine  so I’ll just live my life fully yet still hoping for love to come and stay.

PS: By the way this month my blogs turn a year old and thank you for all the people who have been reading and blogrolling me here. I can’t believe I’ve been blogging that long about my journey of love, still continuing on the road until I find the person I’ll travel the world together.

I don’t know if I can trust you again I was hurt when you left me so suddenly. Many questions filled my mind only you could have the answer but then again where would I find you when you are so far from my reach. The funny thing about life is that just when I least expected it you came back. I don’t know if I would be happy that you’re back and embrace you with open arms or be hesitant that you might again hurt me this time around. I’ve been in this path before not with you but with the other guy. I was happy when he came back but it turn out it was a short lived happiness and now I’m confused what to do with you. Should I give you a chance and let you in my heart again or should I just shut the door and never let you in. It is so confusing but I’m happy to hear from you again. I hope I will find the courage to trust you and welcome you back into my arms.