Posts Tagged ‘Letting Go’

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Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

Sometimes in life all you can do is surrender it all to the one force that is greater than you because if you go on doing what you’re doing you’ll only end up exhausting your energy, your effort and yourself. Not so long ago I like two people and indeed they have become a part of my life. They lift me up when I’m feeling blue, they inspire when I feel uninspired, they let me hope that possibly there could be a you and a me. You might wonder why do I like two people and not one isn’t love just the two of us and not the three of us. But strange as it may seem I confuse myself too coz I like them both. Of course I must admit that the other one I feel more deeply since we’ve already shared so many memories together. And our journey and meeting is full of ups and down that even myself can’t quite believe that we’ve come this far. The other one I meet because I want to forget the other one thinking that if I meet someone new and possibly connect then I’ll forget the first. But who am I kidding instead I’ve confused my feelings for both of them and the last guy I sort of connected because he was so expressive and so sweet with what he feels unlike the first guy. However, my feelings for guy 1 runs so deep because at my loneliest hour and saddest moment he was always there to cheer me up. Yet he confuses me because I can’t seem to understand what I am to him so that’s why guy 2 comes into the picture. But as they say the more you play with love the less likely you get something in return and that’s what happen to me. I mean I’ve not intentionally play with love I’m just a lonely person looking for the one who’ll be willing to stay with me forever yet by some strange twist of fate they’re both gone from my life. The first guy finally went home to his hometown for good which if I take the cue makes our situation more difficult and less likely our story to have an ending. The other one actually found another love and it was not me I can’t blame him because we meet at the wrong time when he was already committed to someone and then when things didn’t workout with them I was angry with him so I guess we just drift apart. Then I realize maybe it’s God way of telling me to let them go and really, really move on with my life because little by little in His own little way he takes them away from me. It’s not so painful as I’ve thought it would be maybe because I’ve been trying to distance and untangled myself from them for awhile. Of course I wouldn’t deny that a part of my ego was hurt especially guy 2 for choosing another girl besides me. Oh well maybe we are just not meant to be and with regards to guy 1 our story definitely has no ending still yet I guess it’s better if we won’t keep on holding but move on to where we are meant to be because it’s been so long we’ve been dancing the same rhythm, singing the same song, going around in circles which is so mind boggling creates confusing feelings. I guess it’s time to say goodbye to my past and say hello to my future. Although uncertain but I know somewhere, somehow the one who is intended for me will come my way and stay with me for keeps.

PS: By the way this month is the 3 year anniversary of my blog in where I decide to chronicle my journey into love. It’s been quite an adventure meet some interesting people, fall in love, break my heart yet still believing somewhere there’s always someone waiting for me it’s just a matter of time.

How time flies and half of the year is already gone but it seems to me life is just drifting, passing me by with the same dilemma over and over again. I don’t know why I’ve reached this point in my life where it’s so hard for me to say goodbye, move on and get on with my life. May was a trying month for me besides losing my job I also decided to let go of two people who’ve become an integral part of my life.

The first friend is so hard to let go because I’ve known him for almost 3 years and for all the things that I’ve done and sacrifice I can’t just imagine life without him. But we’ve been dancing to the same tunes for years now and the stepping seems to echo the same pattern over and over again. It seems were always running round and round in circles without a clear goal in mind. I can’t blame him or myself because we wanted two different things at very opposite directions so it’s hard to go from there when there’s no unity. I’ve wished many times for things to change that somehow, somewhere there could be an ending to our story but it’s so futile so I really do wished to move on and get on with my life without always thinking about him.

The other one I’ve meet last year but it was not until January that we’ve become closer and I thought there was something going on in there until I found out about his lies and his girl. I won’t deny I started to feel something for him maybe it’s because of the closeness we’ve had for months but being number two is not my cup of tea. I started to stay away from him last month and do my disappearing act but there are moments that I’ve missed him. And I was so confuse because I’m the type of person who only fall in love with one person and I do love someone but my feelings for him is quite mixed up. It’s his bday today but I didn’t greet him because sometimes I don’t understand myself why I’m angry and jealous at him. Maybe I’m starting to feel something or maybe there is just so much left unsaid.

And here I am thinking that I’ve already given them up last May and finally free myself of all the dramas and unwanted emotional uncertainty only to find out this month that both of them are still a part of my life. Both of them still wants me in their life and can quite accept perhaps if I’ll be gone completely. But I don’t want the uncertainty I’ve felt for them and sometimes I asked myself if I’m just deluding myself of the mixed signals and confusing emotions. Maybe because I’m lonely that’s why I’m so needy. I’m not usually like these I can walk away easily if I find a certain situation so inconvenient and if I’m not treated well by men.

Maybe sometimes the price we pay for growing up is having to make do with lonely feeling we felt when there’s no one around to comfort, care and love us. But at this point in my life I don’t want a love that is only half full and half empty I want a love that is full without restrictions, without prejudices and without other parties involve. Because if I love someone I love him with all of me and I accept him for whatever shortcomings and imperfections he might have.

It’s been awhile since I’ve really written something here. I guess I got caught up with the things that’s bothering me, the health problem, the financial aspect, the careers and maybe the lovelife. It’s a been a bit loco months no more time to spend much writing my blogs. But through all the things that’s happening around I still keep thinking back to one person how I’ve let him down. How I didn’t keep my promises. I guess the conflict between us and the communication gap made me do it, made me break my promises or was it pride.

A very good friend of mine used to advised me not to let pride rule my life, because if one is matured enough to handle any consequences that life deals then there is no place for pride. But what can I say though he didn’t realize it he also hurt me in his own way thus my pride keep me from fulfilling my promise. Was I wrong to did what I’ve done, to not leap with faith into him, to turn my back and not meet him halfway? I don’t know I have no answer all I know is that I’ve already lost him and I don’t know if I’m glad or sad because he did become a part of me even for a shortwhile. He did make me smile when I feel like crying. He did fill my days with music thinking finally I’ve found someone after my own heart. Did he feel the same way well he never did tell.

But the thing I’m thankful the most is the time he came into my life when it was a bit confusing and now maybe its time that we did part ways. Maybe that’s just life’s way of letting people drift apart from us. I’ve tried to keep myself busy and do all kind of stuff but sometimes though memories of you came back into my life. It crepts in and I start to miss you and I don’t like that because somewhere, somehow I want to let go of you and get on with my life.

Is this the end of the line for us? Is it time for me to let go? I’ve waited long enough for you to finally realize my presence in your life but too bad you’re just coming in and out of it. Do you have any plans at all or are you just waiting for the most convenient time. Time for what? To say goodbye to me or to say hello I’ve missed you. Either way I’m tired, tired of waiting for something that could just be an empty illusion. Maybe I’ve just built my castle too big in the air only to find sands amidst my feet. I want to be happy and if letting you go is the answer then so be it. I know its hard but time can heal and I’ll find someone who’ll make me happy. We may or may not meet again in this lifetime but I hope life would be kind to you. And thanks for the memories and the time when you made me feel so fine.

I am so tired lately that some unexpected feelings suddenly resurface especially when I read the email you sent before then I started to miss you so so much I don’t know why I really feel this way. It was such a fun time you were so funny and so sweet. You even ended your letter with a kiss and now I just wonder was it all just makebelief all the time we’ve spent with each others, were they just lies meant for me to believe that you really care for me or perhaps we felt something for each other that time but it just so sad for you to go away without saying goodbye. You were like some of the people I know who left my life without saying goodbye breaking my heart in two and tearing up to pieces the hope I’ve felt when you came and clouding the beautiful rainbow that once color my life. It was a happy moment in my life, making me fly so high, loving so true, so ecstatic never knowing that I will fall so hard without you to catch my fall because you are so busy chasing your own dreams, living your own life never knowing that somebody is hurting the day you went away. It is a sad thing but there are things that is just meant to end unexpectedly. I haven’t been thinking of you for quite sometime. I’m even starting to pick up the pieces back and put stitches to patch my wounded heart but still the memory of you creeps in once in awhile and today’s the worst. I know I should let you go. You haven’t even glance back the day you decided to let go of me but what can I do sometimes this heart beats for you. I know in time you will only be a sweet memory, a close chapter of a book, a forgotten melody of a fading song because by then the music has stop playing and my heart beat again to a differnt rhythm brought about by the wind of change.

PS: A rumble thoughts written during the afternoon and this evening for a person I’m missing right now…..

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Just thinking about it and writing this blog makes my heart aches oh but I must say this to you Goodbye for now my duckie but I miss you cause you just brought me so much joy when you came into my life. You are really one of a kind haven’t met a person like you who is a bit out of this world with your silly thoughts and ideas. My christmas was happy because of you just talking, talking nonsense out of this world foolish foolish talks. Oh we were like kids trapped in the adult world of living. We share something out of our lonely existence. You were there for me and I for you but I guess nothing is really constant in this world I guess we must change and move on and makes me so sad really I want to cry, I want to write you something special a poem perhaps but have never got around to it. No word can’t quite describe what I feel for you maybe in time the words to my poem will materialize but as of now I’m just so full of feelings I can’t quite comprehend. I did promise you before I will write something but it sad you won’t be able to read it. Oh geez why must it end why must there goodbye to you too, I like having you around too much, i like hearing your voice, your laughter and I miss seeing your smiley faces and I miss your teasing. I miss the songs oh its very hard cause everytime I turn on my mp4 most of your songs pop up making me remember and think of you. Will I ever get over this longing for you and just get on with my life. But it seems I’ve no inclination to find someone new not like before where its so easy to look for a replacement but I guess this time around you leave more part of you than I ever bargain for. Oh if we could only froze time and stay there forever to the fun times we have but I guess I must learn to live again my life without you and just thank you for coming into my life. No matter how brief for then I realize that there is someone who has bit the same temperament and can understand me just as I am. Goodbye, I hope someday is not too short and permit us to see each other again and who knows oh well its always free to dream so for now all I have to do is dream again 🙂

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My life is always been here and there and always drifting. Maybe its one of the reason why love still has not yet come to stay my way. It’s been years I’ve been wishing to finally found someone who will stay in my life for good but yes they come in my life only to leave again and take away pieces of my heart. It’s always hard to put a trust again to someone and having faith that this time around maybe he will come to stay and put back the pieces again to make it whole. Or could it be that I am so hesitant to give all of me for fear that this time around there will be no more left for me. Yeah I’ve found someone I think I have sort of relate, connect, bond and possibly a new love but there is always this part of me that hesitates to give him all of me and open up to him because I’ve been lied at, left behind and hanging in the open. Maybe in time I can give him all of me but I hope its not too late and he will come to stay my way.