Posts Tagged ‘Hope’

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Now i find myself standing still left with only myself to embrace. I sometimes ask myself what happen when did I become so jaded, so sad, so lonely, so alone and so disillusioned. For someone who continuously love the idea of having someone to always be there, to talk, to laugh, to share precious moment and to feel loved now I stayed away from it all. Maybe I feel that my heart can’t take it anymore can’t take the pain of losing someone over and over again and hoping that this time around something will change, something different from what I used to have but then I find myself living the same scenario despite everything that I try to do. So here I am in hiatus mode too tired to care, too shattered to pick up the broken pieces and too hurt to give a damned. Yes I love and love till I can love no more but I know somewhere somehow it is there the love I’m waiting for but for now I must hold myself alone because this heart of mine is crying out loud that it must rest for awhile till the pain will heal and it’s ready to love again. For now I must stand still and be brave to face whatever life brings and if one day love will come my way again I’ll open my arms wide and embrace it with all that I am.

I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

It’s the end of the month once again and here I am thinking how time flies. It seems so many things have change yet there’s still the one constant thing that remain the same my never ending journey of finding the right love for me. I know sometimes it’s so deceiving you thought you’ve find the one who will stay with you forevermore only to be disappointed later on. Next month will be the monthsary of the time I meet someone who’ve been a special part in my life. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years cause a lot of things happen between us but of course not the desire outcome I would have like. But yet I’m grateful to him for teaching my heart to love again, to hope, to dream and believe of a happy ever after. No we still don’t have our happy ever after nor could there be a chance because so many unspoken words left unsaid so many feelings left untackle and I guess we just have too much pride between us. I have accept the fact that maybe all we could ever be is good friends not great lover. I mean I can’t blame him because he did tried but I am just too freaking scared of what will happen afterwards. Too afraid to take a chance, to take that leap of faith that maybe possibly there could be an us. I was too contented to be just his friend and nothing more and now I’m still thinking of the could have been. But no used now because his gone and away from my life although he communicate once in awhile with me through sms but that’s all I’ve got just a forward message to know his still alive and breathing but can never be mine.

Sometimes in life all you can do is surrender it all to the one force that is greater than you because if you go on doing what you’re doing you’ll only end up exhausting your energy, your effort and yourself. Not so long ago I like two people and indeed they have become a part of my life. They lift me up when I’m feeling blue, they inspire when I feel uninspired, they let me hope that possibly there could be a you and a me. You might wonder why do I like two people and not one isn’t love just the two of us and not the three of us. But strange as it may seem I confuse myself too coz I like them both. Of course I must admit that the other one I feel more deeply since we’ve already shared so many memories together. And our journey and meeting is full of ups and down that even myself can’t quite believe that we’ve come this far. The other one I meet because I want to forget the other one thinking that if I meet someone new and possibly connect then I’ll forget the first. But who am I kidding instead I’ve confused my feelings for both of them and the last guy I sort of connected because he was so expressive and so sweet with what he feels unlike the first guy. However, my feelings for guy 1 runs so deep because at my loneliest hour and saddest moment he was always there to cheer me up. Yet he confuses me because I can’t seem to understand what I am to him so that’s why guy 2 comes into the picture. But as they say the more you play with love the less likely you get something in return and that’s what happen to me. I mean I’ve not intentionally play with love I’m just a lonely person looking for the one who’ll be willing to stay with me forever yet by some strange twist of fate they’re both gone from my life. The first guy finally went home to his hometown for good which if I take the cue makes our situation more difficult and less likely our story to have an ending. The other one actually found another love and it was not me I can’t blame him because we meet at the wrong time when he was already committed to someone and then when things didn’t workout with them I was angry with him so I guess we just drift apart. Then I realize maybe it’s God way of telling me to let them go and really, really move on with my life because little by little in His own little way he takes them away from me. It’s not so painful as I’ve thought it would be maybe because I’ve been trying to distance and untangled myself from them for awhile. Of course I wouldn’t deny that a part of my ego was hurt especially guy 2 for choosing another girl besides me. Oh well maybe we are just not meant to be and with regards to guy 1 our story definitely has no ending still yet I guess it’s better if we won’t keep on holding but move on to where we are meant to be because it’s been so long we’ve been dancing the same rhythm, singing the same song, going around in circles which is so mind boggling creates confusing feelings. I guess it’s time to say goodbye to my past and say hello to my future. Although uncertain but I know somewhere, somehow the one who is intended for me will come my way and stay with me for keeps.

PS: By the way this month is the 3 year anniversary of my blog in where I decide to chronicle my journey into love. It’s been quite an adventure meet some interesting people, fall in love, break my heart yet still believing somewhere there’s always someone waiting for me it’s just a matter of time.

There comes a point in your life when you just want to surrender it all to fate especially if despite all the longings and wishes of your heart yet it remains unanswered. When love seems so close but feels so far, when the person you long to be with seems so unreachable, then you find out your heart seems to be tired of everything and it feels bruised as if its been punched a thousand times. Yet the amazing thing about the heart is that it recuperate and does not stop beating. It continues on loving no matter how painful, how traumatic and hurt it feels sometimes, because the heart does not get discourage. It goes on hoping and loving endlessly believing that even if at times there seems to be no answer, people seem oblivious, too callous and cold yet something keeps on beating because it knows that somewhere, somehow there’s always someone willing to open its door on love.  For love is forever it knows no boundaries, conquers all misgivings, tear down walls and heal all pains. Just like my heartbeat that never stops beating, in rhythm with the music of my heart always believing somewhere, somehow love will find its way to me and stay there for good.

Summer has finally come to an end and here I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that this month would be full of exciting adventures and revelation but oh was I wrong. I’ve spend this month mostly wrapped up in my so-called life meaning more schoolwork and less fun and adventure.

I was also hiding from someone because as I’ve said in my previous post I don’t want to be just a second choice but I don’t know what happen things didn’t workout well with them but not thanks to me ok because I was not in the picture when things went sour. I was in hiding and hiatus for almost a month now. I didn’t regret my decision and I thought that I would really be hurt seeing them together but no there was no ache in my heart.

Maybe the reason I was so bother and sad couple of months ago when he finally admitted to me he has a girlfriend is that my EGO was hurt and bruised but I guess the feelings didn’t run deep. Although I won’t deny for a time I was taken with him and quite captivated that I’ve forgotten my other friend the one I keep writing about in this blog. The one who made me confuse about my feelings, the one who can make me feel both sad and happy at the same time, the one I keep thinking about most of the time and the one who’ve always been there at the sad moments in my life.

But then I realize I’ve waisted so much time and emotion with all these uncertain guys and yet they still leave me empty and searching for more. They can’t seem to fill up that emptiness and loneliness I sometimes feel. Or maybe I am just expecting too much from them and not accepting the things that they can give me.

Oh love you’re such a confusing sentiment at times that you leave me breathless and clueless but yet you’re still such a wonderful feeling that can create great excitement and stir up a positive emotion that warms you up from the tip of your toe up to the remotest part of your brain that tugs a special part of your heart.

I can’t believe how time flies, it seems that over a year has passed since we meet. And oh what an eventful year  it was I’ve realize so many things, my feelings have its ups and down. I have my fair share of tears, pains and confusion with regards to what I feel for you. I won’t deny that I do feel something for you maybe this is what love is all about. Caring too much for the person, for his welfare and even accepting all of his shortcomings. But the sad part is I never did know what I am in your life. Am I just more than a friend? Am I a puzzle to solve? Am I a challenge or conquest? I guess I’m one insecure person when I’m with you. Because I don’t know where my place is and I’m expecting too much for something that you can’t quite give. But after awhile I learn to accept our situation, although I must admit the feelings I have is still here in my heart, but in order for one to grow one must learn to move on and pick up the pieces of one’s life. I’m not actually saying goodbye because I always like having you around even if not like the way I want it to be, but being friends is much better than life without you in it. I’m not also closing my doors that there could never be an US but I’m more realistic in facing life that possibly US might just mean friends and not forevermore. And who knows there is something more enstore for you and me. Whatever life brings I’ll always be grateful to God for giving me a chance to meet someone like you. Thank you for everything and for touching a part of my life.

After awhile I tend to give up on things thinking that life seems to be dragging by and everything is just running around in circles. It seems pointless to me to go on wishing that somehow life brings me what I am looking for. Although I know deep within what it is but I’m always in denial of many things. So I go on pretending that I will be OK without you that life can still be beautiful just me in it. I always resisted the urge to communicate whenever the missing bug hit me. It’s just my silly pride talking again but then I realize after days and weeks that I was still not happy. It seems I am longing for something I can’t quite comprehend. My days are busy and filled with activities but when I go home at night the loneliness set in. Then, it hit me that no matter how I try to deny it, thoughts of you keep sipping in. I just can’t help it you’ve grown into me much deeper than I would have like. You creep inside this heart of mine trying to revive its dying beat. You put warmth to a once cold soul and bring a glow to my pale colorless world. But then life is not simple, life is like love full of complexities that try to unravel as you go along your journey. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter but enough balance to keep it beautifully blended. Just like us sometimes we have our moments and at times we want to just leave it all behind and move forward. I don’t know what’s enstore for us because we’ve been in this boat for quite awhile now but all I know is that being with you just makes me happy and I’m not denying anything now.

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I was just walking by passing through the guitars and keyboards on sale when this beautiful melody tantalizes my senses. Oh I really feel so alive as if I’m suddenly an angel drifting through clouds of heavenly symphony. Along with that feeling flashbacks suddenly enter my reverie bringing me back to the time when I first know you. The feelings where so raw as if it was just yesterday once again when it suddenly hit me why of all the people that I’ve meet you’re the only one who made a big difference in my life.

It was late sunday evening of december ’07, the windows in our living room was open, the air was a bit windy and chilly outside but not eerie at all. It was just the right ambience — solitary comfort I so long in my chaotic life at time. My messenger was on and then a  message pop,

“Hello, how you’ve been doing my friend?”

“I’m just fine relaxing just got back from church.”

“Ahh so did you fix the problem with your computer, can I call you now?”

“My mic isn’t working still, but you can call if you like :-)”

And you call to make my evening more relaxing. It was one of those nights when you feel you are at peace and in harmony with the world. No problems to think about, no noisy people to disturb your solitude, no pollution to invade your senses just pure heavenly bliss. I was not contented to just hear your voice so I ask you to play something as a background to your one-sided call. You must have a sixth sense or something because of all the song to play on a night that fine you pick “Angels brought me here” which just compliments my mood perfectly. But thinking about it now brought a smile on my face because it’s quite funny you talking to me for an hour and me answering you through the keyboard coz’ my mic won’t work. It was the beginning of a new friendship and my rollercoaster feelings for you.

I thought you were just someone to pass time by when I’m bored with life and needed someone to talk to. But as time goes I’ve realize there was so much in you that I find so lovable. Our love for music was the one thing that keeps us bonded together, listening through songs of our youth as if we were silly teenagers back in high school laughing and just being crazy. You make me smile for no reason at all even in my gloomiest days just seeing your smiley face brightens me up. Your childish ways compliments me so well because by then I can just be plain me and not be trapped in the adult world of living. We are two people with peter pan syndrome finding silly things to laugh about with each other.

You were just a refreshing diversion from all those freaks and weirdos I’ve meet before. But besides the facade you show to the world I sense something within you I can emphathize. You are a lost, wounded soul still searching for your path here on earth. That search brings you closer to God gives you the faith to move on with whatever hard lesson life has dealt you before. You have your share of regrets and heartaches but it didn’t hinder you from moving forward. What really amazes me is how that faith of yours keep me strong at the weakest and darkest moment in my life. You were my burning light when it seems my candle won’t shimmer anymore. Somehow even when you are far from me your presence lingers and keep me holding on to the light.

The first time we promise we’ll see each other it didn’t push through then we lost touch. After a couple of months we communicated again, you say you’ll be visiting my place to have a vacation then it got cancelled again. When you attended a wedding of your friend here in my place you send me a message if I want to meet but I did not go cause I was too scared. I was so sick and thin at that time. Truth be told the vain part of me was scared you might not like what you see. I thought I will lost you for good at that time that I was wallowing in my regrets and self pity that at least I should have meet you for real. However, my plan to go outside the country push through and just before my flight you send me a message telling me that you might stay here for good. It was really unbelievable because it seems fate does not want us to meet.

I follow my dreams and I fly away thinking it was the right thing to do, to finally be living on my own and for myself not knowing I would be miserable in a couple of months. Despite that chaotic and confusing time you were always there to encourage me and strengthen me to pursue my dreams and my goals but I was weak. You were part of the reason why I came home because I realize that my dreams have change I was not after the gold that glitters. I just want to meet that person who have teach my heart to beat much faster than before, who teach me that by loving one must be forgiving, who teach me how to embrace life in all its totality and shortcoming, who teach me to love no matter what.

I thought it was all just an idea, a preconceived romantic notion I always have knowing my romantic nature but the first time I saw you oh geezzz I really do feel that tug in my heart which my sis fondly calls a “heartstrings” and no it was not gratitude that I felt. I really do felt something for you deeply than all of the men who’ve passed my life. I thank you that I’ve known you and become a part of my life and if people ask me why I fall in love with you? I’ll just say “I don’t know” because if you really love someone there’s no rhyme or reason, you just feel it deep within and feel a certain warmth all over which you can’t quite comprehend.

8-24-09 11pm