Posts Tagged ‘Goodbye’

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Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

Love… so elusive yet so real… one longs for it, search for it, finds it, grasp it, embrace it, hold on to it but sometimes it goes away…. far far away from you and you wonder why. Left alone confuse, dazed, in limbo, searching for the empty remains of the could have been’s and what if’s. Yes there are moments in life when we strongly believe in happy ever after that we thought that the love we’ve found is there to stay but in reality love sometimes comes so swiftly that you thought it could just be an illusion, a dream, a fantasy conjure by a very hyperactive imagination.

Yet, love… once you’ve felt it there’s really no denying it. It’s as real as it can get no matter how short, no matter how fleeting because your heart won’t lie, it beats fast when it gets excited, like it has a life of its own especially when the feeling is so strong and you’re just so filled with ecstasy that you’re bursting and you want to shout to the world “I’m in love”. Ahhh yeah the joy of loving is really indescribable but when it’s gone be prepared to face up reality and the pain that goes with it.

No matter how much one wants to keep that love forever sometimes it just goes away and you cannot hold it in your hand nor can you go back in time and rekindle the fire that’s no longer there. Yes we all do experience falling in and out of love and in my part and most of the blogs entry here is dedicated to one person.

Of course there are also others who’ve come into my life before and after him but his impact in my life is one that I’ll always remember for the rest of my life. This is indeed my journey into love journal chronicling my confuse state and the quest to find that one true love you’ve been dreaming about as a child and if perhaps you still believe in fairy tales that knight in shinning armor the damsel in distress is waiting for.

But it’s been a long time I stop reading or believing in fairy tales and the happy ever after. And no I’m not cynic about love infact most of my friends tells me I’m so in love with the idea of love. Maybe I am or maybe I’m not who knows sometimes I confuse the two statement.

People say love comes when you least expect it and I was not really searching or looking for it that time but whallah one fateful day 5 years ago I meet someone that would forever change the way I view and react towards love. I am not a very emotional person nor do I show my feelings to anyone so at times people tend to see me as a cold person but what they didn’t know is that I’m just too passionate about a lot of things especially love but am just too damned scared to show my feelings to anyone.

Maybe I fear rejection or maybe I fear showing my weakness but everything change when I meet this person. He turn my life inside out and change me forever. We did have a long journey and our story is not the forever kind of thing because we didn’t find the link that could see us through to forever. I guess we are too similar in many ways and our pride gets in the way.

We are too afraid to show what we really feel, we keep hiding in this masquerade of make beliefs and lies pretending that we don’t value one another that much when deep inside we feel something more. I do not regret whatever that I’ve done or whatever shortcomings I have because I guess am not ready to take that leap of faith with you to believe in the ever after, to truly lose myself to someone and be really one in heart and soul.

I guess I still value my individuality and no I’m not the only one to blame cause you also have your shortcomings and faults but time has passed yet we’re still dancing the same rhythm and sometimes it gets tiresome, you wish for a new rhythm, a new dance to break the cycle.

And you pray hard to let go of that old song that you still keep on playing in your head and your feet can’t help but jive to the music. Oh how lovely the old song that’s been embedded into your heart, caressing your soul like no one can but then it gets broken and you could no longer play it so you must search for another one to play with and hopefully learn to dance again to the new rhythm.

You are my old song that keeps on playing in my head but like the changing season I must move on with time and learn a new song so that someday I can dance again to the rhythm of my heart and my soul will be finally free to love again and who knows this time around might be just different and I’ll have the best dance in my life.

Now its September and I feel my world is getting colder because the wind is suddenly closing in. Nope it’s not autumn in the place where I live in cause it has only two season (rainy and dry). But this coldness emanates from within when I realize that you’re really gone from my life for good. I guess it sort of blow out the light that continue to sparks, to hope, to dream that there just might be an ending. Yeah I know as real as the sun rises everyday and sets in twilight that you’re not coming back. I’ll feel the wind for now but I know it won’t be long since usually storms just pass by and leaves just as fast as it come. I know life would be good after awhile with or without you but I’ve said goodbye to you many times and what’s the different now. Well I guess since now I’m going to be closing a chapter in my book and will never look back. Heck just as what my friends always tell me “Anyone who doesn’t value you doesn’t deserve you”. Well I guess I was not meant for you just as well cause you didn’t see my worth. This will be a new beginning in my journey in love and wondering who might be the next one to put that smile on my face and make my heart skip a beat.

How do you start living again a new life?

How do you find the courage to go on & find a new horizon?

How do you say goodbye to someone who’ve touch something deep inside of you?

How do you let go of a dear friend & companion in those loneliest moments in your life?

How do you stay strong despite the weakness you’ve constantly felt?

How do you even find time to smile although your hearts crying in vain?

How do you go on when something wants to stay put in the past?

Too many questions I don’t have any answers or clue. I’ve been contemplating most of the times of these feelings & keep on wondering what is it with you that made me feel so deep.

I guess somehow without me knowing it you’ve creep & stick yourself firmly inside my heart. The heart that don’t want to love just to feel pain later on. But I guess you did exactly that, you tear the wall I’ve built so hard & just leave it shattered & broken.

I wish I am just dreaming, I wish you are not gone but when I open my eyes each day I know its real. I know you are gone and I don’t know if you’ll ever come back. So I guess I will live my life again back to the time I haven’t met you.

Love

Posted: June 19, 2008 in Choices, I love you, Letting Go, Love
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*Love is patient.

How long will you be patient?

How long will you wait

If that person you love

Doesn’t even learn to trust you

Is it love? Can love exist without trust?

No I don’t think so

For love is unconditional

It trust, It accept, It forgive

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*Love is kind.

How can love be kind?

If you’re being a martyr

If the love you’ve given

Has not been given back in kind

When you’re life is full of suffering

Unhappiness, disillusionment, tragedy

Both physical and emotional

Do we need to hurt the one we love

Do we need to hold them so close

Because we fear of losing that someone

Who means so much

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love does not suffocate nor does it restricts

It helps you grow and find yourself

Without losing your own identity

by sharing your life with someone

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*Love creates endless possibilities

And let you fly so high

Knowing that if you fall

It will always be there

Open, free, willing, accepting

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love is blind.

It cannot be blind

How can you see the loveliness

Of the feelings it creates

If you don’t see

But only feel its emotions

For you to know love

You must see it

In it’s totality

without lies

without pretensions

without prejudice

~~~~~~~~~~~

*Love is life’s complexities

We may spend a lifetime

Defining its existence

But we can never really

Define its real meaning

In a simple quote or theory

For love knows no boundaries

Nor has a single definition

It is as old as time

So unpredictable, so strong

But at the same time

Creates calmness and peace

Deep inside of you

Like no one could

~~~~~~~~~~~

PS. Wrote this one last summer of 2005….this is not a poem just a thought I have when I was feeling so stress with one of my friend situation…anyways feel free to comment about this one would really love to hear your opinions you might disagree with some of the things I’ve said but hey this a free country was only writing my stressful thought that time 🙂

I am so tired lately that some unexpected feelings suddenly resurface especially when I read the email you sent before then I started to miss you so so much I don’t know why I really feel this way. It was such a fun time you were so funny and so sweet. You even ended your letter with a kiss and now I just wonder was it all just makebelief all the time we’ve spent with each others, were they just lies meant for me to believe that you really care for me or perhaps we felt something for each other that time but it just so sad for you to go away without saying goodbye. You were like some of the people I know who left my life without saying goodbye breaking my heart in two and tearing up to pieces the hope I’ve felt when you came and clouding the beautiful rainbow that once color my life. It was a happy moment in my life, making me fly so high, loving so true, so ecstatic never knowing that I will fall so hard without you to catch my fall because you are so busy chasing your own dreams, living your own life never knowing that somebody is hurting the day you went away. It is a sad thing but there are things that is just meant to end unexpectedly. I haven’t been thinking of you for quite sometime. I’m even starting to pick up the pieces back and put stitches to patch my wounded heart but still the memory of you creeps in once in awhile and today’s the worst. I know I should let you go. You haven’t even glance back the day you decided to let go of me but what can I do sometimes this heart beats for you. I know in time you will only be a sweet memory, a close chapter of a book, a forgotten melody of a fading song because by then the music has stop playing and my heart beat again to a differnt rhythm brought about by the wind of change.

PS: A rumble thoughts written during the afternoon and this evening for a person I’m missing right now…..

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Just thinking about it and writing this blog makes my heart aches oh but I must say this to you Goodbye for now my duckie but I miss you cause you just brought me so much joy when you came into my life. You are really one of a kind haven’t met a person like you who is a bit out of this world with your silly thoughts and ideas. My christmas was happy because of you just talking, talking nonsense out of this world foolish foolish talks. Oh we were like kids trapped in the adult world of living. We share something out of our lonely existence. You were there for me and I for you but I guess nothing is really constant in this world I guess we must change and move on and makes me so sad really I want to cry, I want to write you something special a poem perhaps but have never got around to it. No word can’t quite describe what I feel for you maybe in time the words to my poem will materialize but as of now I’m just so full of feelings I can’t quite comprehend. I did promise you before I will write something but it sad you won’t be able to read it. Oh geez why must it end why must there goodbye to you too, I like having you around too much, i like hearing your voice, your laughter and I miss seeing your smiley faces and I miss your teasing. I miss the songs oh its very hard cause everytime I turn on my mp4 most of your songs pop up making me remember and think of you. Will I ever get over this longing for you and just get on with my life. But it seems I’ve no inclination to find someone new not like before where its so easy to look for a replacement but I guess this time around you leave more part of you than I ever bargain for. Oh if we could only froze time and stay there forever to the fun times we have but I guess I must learn to live again my life without you and just thank you for coming into my life. No matter how brief for then I realize that there is someone who has bit the same temperament and can understand me just as I am. Goodbye, I hope someday is not too short and permit us to see each other again and who knows oh well its always free to dream so for now all I have to do is dream again 🙂

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I don’t like the word goodbye sometimes don’t you just wish there is no word goodbye in the dictionary. But just like pain is inevitable so does Goodbye. We all must face a series of Goodbye in our lives whether we like it or not. Anyway I haven’t been here for awhile I just didn’t feel like writing since life seems just been drifting as usual but then suddenly somebody put sunshine to it. Don’t get me wrong I’m pass the stage of always being in the dark but sometimes when life’s get a bit of routine it just seems there is nothing to look forward too. And zoom he came, he made me smile for no reason at all and each day that I know him well I get a little bit excited to finally met him but sad to say fate has not yet been kind to let us met. I don’t know what it is but just simple things he did makes me really feel special. I don’t even know what he feels for me maybe I’m just a friend he can spend his time and pass time besides its not a real connection we’ve had. We never even meet but just lately I can feel he is suddenly withdrawing from me putting a distance I don’t quite understand. Did he guess that I might just feel something more for him and he don’t know how to deal with it or maybe he feel its better to stay away. I just don’t know and now he is going far from me and I don’t know what will happen after that but I wish he won’t say goodbye to me at all cause I just want him to stay with me in my life and maybe who knows go from there. But as of now I must just go on with my life and hoping and praying for the best. If he is not meant to stay in my life forever then I must accept it as another goodbye to deal with. I’ve done it before I guess I can do it again. Oh but why can’t there be no goodbye in our life??? What a dilemma but its a fact

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I wish I can love you as much as you love me but I’m so sorry if I can only love you half heartedly. Silly me to think one can love only in half not in whole. Who am I kidding around but only myself and maybe hurt you in the long run. But I like having you around, I like the way you cared for me and I don’t know why I hold back in giving you all my love. Maybe I’m scared that I will be into deep with you and fear the thought of losing you. At least if I love you just a little bit not too much then if you go the hurt would be less painful and my heart will not be as broken as before. Or maybe the reason I can’t give you all of me because my heart still beats for someone else. It is really not intentional I do wish to love you truly but I can’t maybe in time and you can still wait for me.

PS: This post is somewhat related to my blog Sometimes but that blog talks about the other guy. I wrote that blog first then Wishes.