April Leaves

It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

Could have been….

It’s the end of the month once again and here I am thinking how time flies. It seems so many things have change yet there’s still the one constant thing that remain the same my never ending journey of finding the right love for me. I know sometimes it’s so deceiving you thought you’ve find the one who will stay with you forevermore only to be disappointed later on. Next month will be the monthsary of the time I meet someone who’ve been a special part in my life. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years cause a lot of things happen between us but of course not the desire outcome I would have like. But yet I’m grateful to him for teaching my heart to love again, to hope, to dream and believe of a happy ever after. No we still don’t have our happy ever after nor could there be a chance because so many unspoken words left unsaid so many feelings left untackle and I guess we just have too much pride between us. I have accept the fact that maybe all we could ever be is good friends not great lover. I mean I can’t blame him because he did tried but I am just too freaking scared of what will happen afterwards. Too afraid to take a chance, to take that leap of faith that maybe possibly there could be an us. I was too contented to be just his friend and nothing more and now I’m still thinking of the could have been. But no used now because his gone and away from my life although he communicate once in awhile with me through sms but that’s all I’ve got just a forward message to know his still alive and breathing but can never be mine.

Why I fall in love with you?

I was just walking by passing through the guitars and keyboards on sale when this beautiful melody tantalizes my senses. Oh I really feel so alive as if I’m suddenly an angel drifting through clouds of heavenly symphony. Along with that feeling flashbacks suddenly enter my reverie bringing me back to the time when I first know you. The feelings where so raw as if it was just yesterday once again when it suddenly hit me why of all the people that I’ve meet you’re the only one who made a big difference in my life.

It was late sunday evening of december ’07, the windows in our living room was open, the air was a bit windy and chilly outside but not eerie at all. It was just the right ambience — solitary comfort I so long in my chaotic life at time. My messenger was on and then a  message pop,

“Hello, how you’ve been doing my friend?”

“I’m just fine relaxing just got back from church.”

“Ahh so did you fix the problem with your computer, can I call you now?”

“My mic isn’t working still, but you can call if you like :-)”

And you call to make my evening more relaxing. It was one of those nights when you feel you are at peace and in harmony with the world. No problems to think about, no noisy people to disturb your solitude, no pollution to invade your senses just pure heavenly bliss. I was not contented to just hear your voice so I ask you to play something as a background to your one-sided call. You must have a sixth sense or something because of all the song to play on a night that fine you pick “Angels brought me here” which just compliments my mood perfectly. But thinking about it now brought a smile on my face because it’s quite funny you talking to me for an hour and me answering you through the keyboard coz’ my mic won’t work. It was the beginning of a new friendship and my rollercoaster feelings for you.

I thought you were just someone to pass time by when I’m bored with life and needed someone to talk to. But as time goes I’ve realize there was so much in you that I find so lovable. Our love for music was the one thing that keeps us bonded together, listening through songs of our youth as if we were silly teenagers back in high school laughing and just being crazy. You make me smile for no reason at all even in my gloomiest days just seeing your smiley face brightens me up. Your childish ways compliments me so well because by then I can just be plain me and not be trapped in the adult world of living. We are two people with peter pan syndrome finding silly things to laugh about with each other.

You were just a refreshing diversion from all those freaks and weirdos I’ve meet before. But besides the facade you show to the world I sense something within you I can emphathize. You are a lost, wounded soul still searching for your path here on earth. That search brings you closer to God gives you the faith to move on with whatever hard lesson life has dealt you before. You have your share of regrets and heartaches but it didn’t hinder you from moving forward. What really amazes me is how that faith of yours keep me strong at the weakest and darkest moment in my life. You were my burning light when it seems my candle won’t shimmer anymore. Somehow even when you are far from me your presence lingers and keep me holding on to the light.

The first time we promise we’ll see each other it didn’t push through then we lost touch. After a couple of months we communicated again, you say you’ll be visiting my place to have a vacation then it got cancelled again. When you attended a wedding of your friend here in my place you send me a message if I want to meet but I did not go cause I was too scared. I was so sick and thin at that time. Truth be told the vain part of me was scared you might not like what you see. I thought I will lost you for good at that time that I was wallowing in my regrets and self pity that at least I should have meet you for real. However, my plan to go outside the country push through and just before my flight you send me a message telling me that you might stay here for good. It was really unbelievable because it seems fate does not want us to meet.

I follow my dreams and I fly away thinking it was the right thing to do, to finally be living on my own and for myself not knowing I would be miserable in a couple of months. Despite that chaotic and confusing time you were always there to encourage me and strengthen me to pursue my dreams and my goals but I was weak. You were part of the reason why I came home because I realize that my dreams have change I was not after the gold that glitters. I just want to meet that person who have teach my heart to beat much faster than before, who teach me that by loving one must be forgiving, who teach me how to embrace life in all its totality and shortcoming, who teach me to love no matter what.

I thought it was all just an idea, a preconceived romantic notion I always have knowing my romantic nature but the first time I saw you oh geezzz I really do feel that tug in my heart which my sis fondly calls a “heartstrings” and no it was not gratitude that I felt. I really do felt something for you deeply than all of the men who’ve passed my life. I thank you that I’ve known you and become a part of my life and if people ask me why I fall in love with you? I’ll just say “I don’t know” because if you really love someone there’s no rhyme or reason, you just feel it deep within and feel a certain warmth all over which you can’t quite comprehend.

8-24-09 11pm

How to keep love?

My life is always been here and there and always drifting. Maybe its one of the reason why love still has not yet come to stay my way. It’s been years I’ve been wishing to finally found someone who will stay in my life for good but yes they come in my life only to leave again and take away pieces of my heart. It’s always hard to put a trust again to someone and having faith that this time around maybe he will come to stay and put back the pieces again to make it whole. Or could it be that I am so hesitant to give all of me for fear that this time around there will be no more left for me. Yeah I’ve found someone I think I have sort of relate, connect, bond and possibly a new love but there is always this part of me that hesitates to give him all of me and open up to him because I’ve been lied at, left behind and hanging in the open. Maybe in time I can give him all of me but I hope its not too late and he will come to stay my way.