Posts Tagged ‘Dreams’

It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

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There comes a point in your life when you just want to surrender it all to fate especially if despite all the longings and wishes of your heart yet it remains unanswered. When love seems so close but feels so far, when the person you long to be with seems so unreachable, then you find out your heart seems to be tired of everything and it feels bruised as if its been punched a thousand times. Yet the amazing thing about the heart is that it recuperate and does not stop beating. It continues on loving no matter how painful, how traumatic and hurt it feels sometimes, because the heart does not get discourage. It goes on hoping and loving endlessly believing that even if at times there seems to be no answer, people seem oblivious, too callous and cold yet something keeps on beating because it knows that somewhere, somehow there’s always someone willing to open its door on love.  For love is forever it knows no boundaries, conquers all misgivings, tear down walls and heal all pains. Just like my heartbeat that never stops beating, in rhythm with the music of my heart always believing somewhere, somehow love will find its way to me and stay there for good.

Summer has finally come to an end and here I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that this month would be full of exciting adventures and revelation but oh was I wrong. I’ve spend this month mostly wrapped up in my so-called life meaning more schoolwork and less fun and adventure.

I was also hiding from someone because as I’ve said in my previous post I don’t want to be just a second choice but I don’t know what happen things didn’t workout well with them but not thanks to me ok because I was not in the picture when things went sour. I was in hiding and hiatus for almost a month now. I didn’t regret my decision and I thought that I would really be hurt seeing them together but no there was no ache in my heart.

Maybe the reason I was so bother and sad couple of months ago when he finally admitted to me he has a girlfriend is that my EGO was hurt and bruised but I guess the feelings didn’t run deep. Although I won’t deny for a time I was taken with him and quite captivated that I’ve forgotten my other friend the one I keep writing about in this blog. The one who made me confuse about my feelings, the one who can make me feel both sad and happy at the same time, the one I keep thinking about most of the time and the one who’ve always been there at the sad moments in my life.

But then I realize I’ve waisted so much time and emotion with all these uncertain guys and yet they still leave me empty and searching for more. They can’t seem to fill up that emptiness and loneliness I sometimes feel. Or maybe I am just expecting too much from them and not accepting the things that they can give me.

Oh love you’re such a confusing sentiment at times that you leave me breathless and clueless but yet you’re still such a wonderful feeling that can create great excitement and stir up a positive emotion that warms you up from the tip of your toe up to the remotest part of your brain that tugs a special part of your heart.

After awhile I tend to give up on things thinking that life seems to be dragging by and everything is just running around in circles. It seems pointless to me to go on wishing that somehow life brings me what I am looking for. Although I know deep within what it is but I’m always in denial of many things. So I go on pretending that I will be OK without you that life can still be beautiful just me in it. I always resisted the urge to communicate whenever the missing bug hit me. It’s just my silly pride talking again but then I realize after days and weeks that I was still not happy. It seems I am longing for something I can’t quite comprehend. My days are busy and filled with activities but when I go home at night the loneliness set in. Then, it hit me that no matter how I try to deny it, thoughts of you keep sipping in. I just can’t help it you’ve grown into me much deeper than I would have like. You creep inside this heart of mine trying to revive its dying beat. You put warmth to a once cold soul and bring a glow to my pale colorless world. But then life is not simple, life is like love full of complexities that try to unravel as you go along your journey. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter but enough balance to keep it beautifully blended. Just like us sometimes we have our moments and at times we want to just leave it all behind and move forward. I don’t know what’s enstore for us because we’ve been in this boat for quite awhile now but all I know is that being with you just makes me happy and I’m not denying anything now.

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Oh how I wish to tell you what I am feeling inside? Just to let you know that somehow you have a special place in my heart. Unfortunately something’s holding me back why I can’t say it to you directly. Maybe I fear the part that you’ll say to me “Hey let’s just be friends like we are now.” Maybe I am expecting something that if I ever do tell you how much you mean to me then perhaps you’ll say “I love you sunshine.”  There are only two scenarios that could happen if I ever feel the guts to tell you so but I guess I am just too chickens**t to say what I really feel. I am just too freaking contented of how things are. Or maybe I am just deluding myself that I am contented when deep inside I feel a certain sadness that in my dreams I see the two of us together for all times but in reality we are friends but not the way I would have imagine it to be. I guess for now I’ll just accept this thing since the guts always left me out in the cold and loneliest days of my life.

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A new year has finally enter and it seems my life’s drama still going on and on. Well it’s not actually a drama but this feeling I have for you seems an endless cycle I can’t quite escape. But sometimes its too hard to make a really good choice as if I feel myself watching the hit series for “love or money” where you are to choose which you prefer the love or the money. It’s what a close friend once says to me that a beauty queen during a question and answer portion was asked if you were given a choice which would you choose crown or love  and she says the crown.

So my friend ask me what would you choose and I tell her at this moment in my life I would choose the crown because if you were to ask me a couple of months back or year ago I would definitely say love. That is just me I’m a romantic person always believing that love is far greater than any money or riches can be found in life. However if one get burn too many times one prefers to choose the crown or the money than continue on playing with fire all for the glory of love.

But in your case its really so hard to decide because I’ve waited too long for you, I’ve hold on to you when the pain I’ve felt was too strong, I’ve forgive you too many times when I thought you’ve left me hanging in there. Now that I’m at a point where my dreams are too precious to me it seems you’re calling me home to take a chance with you, to take a risk and to choose love once again. 

It’s really a confusing time for me when I’ve invested too much already to pursue a dream of being independent yet the allure of your arms waiting for me seems to keep me alive of a promise perhaps of a new love. Could I possibly be happy with just a crown or could I possibly have the best of both world by knowing how to do to the right balance. Well who knows God really is the only one who can answer my prayer but honestly speaking at this moment in time I’m really confuse which path to take.

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Sometimes I reminisce back to the days when I believe in fairy tales, of distant castles, of a knight in shining armour to rescue a damsel in distress. But those days are crazy fantasies of a hopeless child believing of a happy ever after not realizing that reality is a series of goodbye and a never ending search for the one person that you could possibly spend the rest of your life. Today I’ve think about the dream because I allow myself to feel for a moment what its like to be a child again to feel the hope and the joy that somehow in this big crazy world there is someone to catch you if you fall, to wipe away the tears and to assure you that hey it’s ok to be weak because I’ll be the strength that carry you through in the darkest times. A love that can equal’s God unconditional love?

But that’s really frustrating when you think about it because human love has its flaws and limitations compare to God’s unconditional devotion. We can search our whole lifetime trying to find that love but we will only end up frustrated. So what’s the best thing to do well for me I’ll just follow my heart when it beats the fastest then I’ll know that it’s guiding me somewhere to a person who might just be the one I’m looking for. Of course there’s no assurance or guarantee that its the ever after you so wish for.

As for me most of my blogs here refer to a certain person who have been in and out of my life for over a year now. I’ve always thought that I can turn my back on him, let go and move on but everytime he comes back I always welcome him back with open arms. Because being with him makes my life worthwhile, it seems he fills an empty void inside my heart, his presence always brought a smile to my face eventhough at times I get frustrated with things as it is.

I don’t know what’s our ending nor do I know if his the one, all I know is that I’m willing to hope, to wish and to keep the faith that somewhere, somehow I’ll find the answer to my questions and that throughout that time he’ll never leave me alone, but stay by my side and be my strength as we both search our own horizon hoping to meet each other halfway.

For now I want to thank you for so many things and for making me so happy, though it hurts to think that we’ll be apart again indefinitely, but I pray for the time we can bridge the distance and find comfort in each others arms one day.

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Here lies my thoughts, feelings, ideas, life, love and dreams in a nutshell.  This is my very first blog entry, the first time I discover this blogsite and hopefully you get to see many more of my works and ideas.  Everyday is a journey into the greatest mystery of the universe of unravelling slowly the things that we find most enjoyable in our lives and facing the things we don’t like much with courage and hope and faith that everytime we fall there is an up to look forward too.  My life not always the typically peachy sunny side up kind of thing but it has spices, salt and sugar as well to make it more tasty.  Yeah I’m bit far off from this world I guess cause its because I’m bit at my artsy mood and besides I love to eat.  What was it forest gump use to say “Life is like a box of chocolates you’ll never know what will come out”…anyway enjoy reading my blog and if you like it well you can always link me to your blogs or vice versa