Posts Tagged ‘Dreaming’

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Now i find myself standing still left with only myself to embrace. I sometimes ask myself what happen when did I become so jaded, so sad, so lonely, so alone and so disillusioned. For someone who continuously love the idea of having someone to always be there, to talk, to laugh, to share precious moment and to feel loved now I stayed away from it all. Maybe I feel that my heart can’t take it anymore can’t take the pain of losing someone over and over again and hoping that this time around something will change, something different from what I used to have but then I find myself living the same scenario despite everything that I try to do. So here I am in hiatus mode too tired to care, too shattered to pick up the broken pieces and too hurt to give a damned. Yes I love and love till I can love no more but I know somewhere somehow it is there the love I’m waiting for but for now I must hold myself alone because this heart of mine is crying out loud that it must rest for awhile till the pain will heal and it’s ready to love again. For now I must stand still and be brave to face whatever life brings and if one day love will come my way again I’ll open my arms wide and embrace it with all that I am.

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I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

I am so tired lately that some unexpected feelings suddenly resurface especially when I read the email you sent before then I started to miss you so so much I don’t know why I really feel this way. It was such a fun time you were so funny and so sweet. You even ended your letter with a kiss and now I just wonder was it all just makebelief all the time we’ve spent with each others, were they just lies meant for me to believe that you really care for me or perhaps we felt something for each other that time but it just so sad for you to go away without saying goodbye. You were like some of the people I know who left my life without saying goodbye breaking my heart in two and tearing up to pieces the hope I’ve felt when you came and clouding the beautiful rainbow that once color my life. It was a happy moment in my life, making me fly so high, loving so true, so ecstatic never knowing that I will fall so hard without you to catch my fall because you are so busy chasing your own dreams, living your own life never knowing that somebody is hurting the day you went away. It is a sad thing but there are things that is just meant to end unexpectedly. I haven’t been thinking of you for quite sometime. I’m even starting to pick up the pieces back and put stitches to patch my wounded heart but still the memory of you creeps in once in awhile and today’s the worst. I know I should let you go. You haven’t even glance back the day you decided to let go of me but what can I do sometimes this heart beats for you. I know in time you will only be a sweet memory, a close chapter of a book, a forgotten melody of a fading song because by then the music has stop playing and my heart beat again to a differnt rhythm brought about by the wind of change.

PS: A rumble thoughts written during the afternoon and this evening for a person I’m missing right now…..