Posts Tagged ‘Confusion’

How time flies and half of the year is already gone but it seems to me life is just drifting, passing me by with the same dilemma over and over again. I don’t know why I’ve reached this point in my life where it’s so hard for me to say goodbye, move on and get on with my life. May was a trying month for me besides losing my job I also decided to let go of two people who’ve become an integral part of my life.

The first friend is so hard to let go because I’ve known him for almost 3 years and for all the things that I’ve done and sacrifice I can’t just imagine life without him. But we’ve been dancing to the same tunes for years now and the stepping seems to echo the same pattern over and over again. It seems were always running round and round in circles without a clear goal in mind. I can’t blame him or myself because we wanted two different things at very opposite directions so it’s hard to go from there when there’s no unity. I’ve wished many times for things to change that somehow, somewhere there could be an ending to our story but it’s so futile so I really do wished to move on and get on with my life without always thinking about him.

The other one I’ve meet last year but it was not until January that we’ve become closer and I thought there was something going on in there until I found out about his lies and his girl. I won’t deny I started to feel something for him maybe it’s because of the closeness we’ve had for months but being number two is not my cup of tea. I started to stay away from him last month and do my disappearing act but there are moments that I’ve missed him. And I was so confuse because I’m the type of person who only fall in love with one person and I do love someone but my feelings for him is quite mixed up. It’s his bday today but I didn’t greet him because sometimes I don’t understand myself why I’m angry and jealous at him. Maybe I’m starting to feel something or maybe there is just so much left unsaid.

And here I am thinking that I’ve already given them up last May and finally free myself of all the dramas and unwanted emotional uncertainty only to find out this month that both of them are still a part of my life. Both of them still wants me in their life and can quite accept perhaps if I’ll be gone completely. But I don’t want the uncertainty I’ve felt for them and sometimes I asked myself if I’m just deluding myself of the mixed signals and confusing emotions. Maybe because I’m lonely that’s why I’m so needy. I’m not usually like these I can walk away easily if I find a certain situation so inconvenient and if I’m not treated well by men.

Maybe sometimes the price we pay for growing up is having to make do with lonely feeling we felt when there’s no one around to comfort, care and love us. But at this point in my life I don’t want a love that is only half full and half empty I want a love that is full without restrictions, without prejudices and without other parties involve. Because if I love someone I love him with all of me and I accept him for whatever shortcomings and imperfections he might have.

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There comes a point in your life when you question yourself ¬†how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster. ¬†Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

I actually matter

Posted: August 13, 2008 in Choices, Journey, Letting Go
Tags: , , ,

Here I am again not planning to sleep early since I was having my two days PMS mood when actually I’m far from having my period. It’s been two months since I’ve had it cause the doc says its the side effect of all my medication. Anyway my mood says otherwise seems my day started gloomy I keep staring at the wall hoping the bad feelings I have would go away. It take half a day & half an afternoon for it to finally subside. I was ready to call it quits was really bother until a little incident amuse me. I mean in this modern world we’re living I didn’t expect to see male chivalry. I’m so used to doing things my own way I actually don’t need a guy to do things for me. It must have been due to many years without a father figure cause papa is always away with his work. So like my mama we tend to survive on our own & men really was just a small significant in our lives.

Mama always tells us not to fall too hard over heals or go crazy about a particular guy & I did just that but though I know sooner or later I”m gonna fall too over heels in love. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my share of heartaches but not too many to even make a significant difference. But it was only last year that I’ve realize how important to have a significant person to stay by your side. It was not love maybe more on physical attraction & I know it won’t last but hey his tall, skinny, fair complexion (hmmm I always have that fetish for fair coloring not the moreno ones) & young (sssh its a secret I also have fetish for younger ones but not anymore) so after that I’ve met two other guys (not counting the blind dates) well literally speaking I’ve only met one guy of that two because that other one is kind of complicated hehehe

Before I go any further I’ll go back to what happen this afternoon, while I was going to the comfort room I’ve met my idol (as I’ve fondly call him & my friends know who he is) was really surprise when he held the door open wide for me to pass by so kinda shock but I know its not biggie deal. Actually the reason why I like looking at him cause he reminds me of the young person I met last year. Then the other incident happens with another officemate & I also notice him cause his bearing reminds me of the other guy I’ve met this year & he also open the door for me to pass by. It’s actually funny for me to think at this day & age…hehehe so at least it lightens my mood this afternoon…

But the most funny thing when I arrive home, as I check my friendster page of those who view me I saw him hmmm its been awhile since he view my profile & I wonder could he perhaps be curious with my life now. Ahh his been the reason why I’ve got this job in the first place & pass my board exam call it “na challenge” even change my smart number just to forget about him. Don’t know if its a deeper feeling or just some sort of admiration but all I know is that his a good guy. Hmm and now I’m wondering did he perhaps thought that I’m already in another country cause I keep telling him that before or was he shock about all my two piece pics(kapal moks ko talaga).

But I never did get to find what was my real feelings for him all I know my friends keep asking me before whose the lucky guy kc blooming daw & I keep telling them no one special. I guess I was happy at that time & even some of my friends told me if they where to choose they would choose him over MD…hmm & actually that’s my dilemma before cause MD was so like me in so many ways & our age so close. We like the same music, have the same twisted humour & just so out of this world ideas. I guess it was a time when we needed each other to fill out the boredom we’ve felt at that time. But I haven’t met him only see him on cam. He always told me one day we’ll meet but I’m tired of waiting for what??? But this other one I met him. He went to our house once while visiting some clients. Though I know his out of my reach, his too tall for me & maybe his intention was just purely friendship while I get this crazy notion I always draw inside my head if i get interested with a person. Then the bubble burst & the illusion died but hey why did you view my profile…did you miss me or are you just curious what happen to me….I’m not yet in Singapore maybe someday soon then perhaps Canada hahaha now I’m in my wishful mood again…in case you happen to read this ahh don’t know what you’ll think of this…but I do thank you for that short live friendship, the calls, the sms & even that meeting last february.

PS: Done august 12, 2008 almost close to midnight

I don’t know if I can trust you again I was hurt when you left me so suddenly. Many questions filled my mind only you could have the answer but then again where would I find you when you are so far from my reach. The funny thing about life is that just when I least expected it you came back. I don’t know if I would be happy that you’re back and embrace you with open arms or be hesitant that you might again hurt me this time around. I’ve been in this path before not with you but with the other guy. I was happy when he came back but it turn out it was a short lived happiness and now I’m confused what to do with you. Should I give you a chance and let you in my heart again or should I just shut the door and never let you in. It is so confusing but I’m happy to hear from you again. I hope I will find the courage to trust you and welcome you back into my arms.

I am so tired lately that some unexpected feelings suddenly resurface especially when I read the email you sent before then I started to miss you so so much I don’t know why I really feel this way. It was such a fun time you were so funny and so sweet. You even ended your letter with a kiss and now I just wonder was it all just makebelief all the time we’ve spent with each others, were they just lies meant for me to believe that you really care for me or perhaps we felt something for each other that time but it just so sad for you to go away without saying goodbye. You were like some of the people I know who left my life without saying goodbye breaking my heart in two and tearing up to pieces the hope I’ve felt when you came and clouding the beautiful rainbow that once color my life. It was a happy moment in my life, making me fly so high, loving so true, so ecstatic never knowing that I will fall so hard without you to catch my fall because you are so busy chasing your own dreams, living your own life never knowing that somebody is hurting the day you went away. It is a sad thing but there are things that is just meant to end unexpectedly. I haven’t been thinking of you for quite sometime. I’m even starting to pick up the pieces back and put stitches to patch my wounded heart but still the memory of you creeps in once in awhile and today’s the worst. I know I should let you go. You haven’t even glance back the day you decided to let go of me but what can I do sometimes this heart beats for you. I know in time you will only be a sweet memory, a close chapter of a book, a forgotten melody of a fading song because by then the music has stop playing and my heart beat again to a differnt rhythm brought about by the wind of change.

PS: A rumble thoughts written during the afternoon and this evening for a person I’m missing right now…..

love_and_photography_by_pianobleeder.jpg

I don’t like the word goodbye sometimes don’t you just wish there is no word goodbye in the dictionary. But just like pain is inevitable so does Goodbye. We all must face a series of Goodbye in our lives whether we like it or not. Anyway I haven’t been here for awhile I just didn’t feel like writing since life seems just been drifting as usual but then suddenly somebody put sunshine to it. Don’t get me wrong I’m pass the stage of always being in the dark but sometimes when life’s get a bit of routine it just seems there is nothing to look forward too. And zoom he came, he made me smile for no reason at all and each day that I know him well I get a little bit excited to finally met him but sad to say fate has not yet been kind to let us met. I don’t know what it is but just simple things he did makes me really feel special. I don’t even know what he feels for me maybe I’m just a friend he can spend his time and pass time besides its not a real connection we’ve had. We never even meet but just lately I can feel he is suddenly withdrawing from me putting a distance I don’t quite understand. Did he guess that I might just feel something more for him and he don’t know how to deal with it or maybe he feel its better to stay away. I just don’t know and now he is going far from me and I don’t know what will happen after that but I wish he won’t say goodbye to me at all cause I just want him to stay with me in my life and maybe who knows go from there. But as of now I must just go on with my life and hoping and praying for the best. If he is not meant to stay in my life forever then I must accept it as another goodbye to deal with. I’ve done it before I guess I can do it again. Oh but why can’t there be no goodbye in our life??? What a dilemma but its a fact