It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

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Posted: May 5, 2011 in Choices, Complicated, Crossroads, Decisions, faith, Letting Go, Love
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There are moments in life that surprise you that you can’t even imagine it’s possible. 3 and 1/2 years ago I met someone who turn my life upside down. It was one crazy ride but a very memorable one but a very brief encounter. It was just one of those times when you feel you can do almost anything because you feel so free. I won’t delude myself or romantized it and call it love cause it is not. Maybe it’s more of a physical attraction or chemistry where you meet a stranger and it seems you’ve known each other for a long time. It happen so fast that it seems surreal and sometimes I have to pinch myself just to remind me that you’re real and the situation is real and not just some conjure images from my vivid imagination. But what we have that day was so unforgetable and memorable to me no matter how short lived it was. You give me something nobody from my past has given me but then out of the blue it ended as fast as it comes. I’ve no regret about it coz’ I know it’s inevitable. But what I didn’t count on is that I’ll talk again with you after all these years. So many things have changed and I don’t know if you even remember me or am I just a passing fancy to you. But I enjoy that talk, me pretending to not know you and I don’t know on your part if you’re pretending too. It was fun and it made me realize the reason why things happen as it is. What I don’t get is why after all these years our path cross again. I’ve made peace with what happen nor do I have regret whatsoever. I’m just amused and wondering if perhaps there’s a reason behind why things happen or maybe I’ll just let bygones be bygones. But I enjoy talking to you so much I just don’t know if I could meet you again after all this time so I gotta say for now ciao mi sweet amore 🙂

Posted: March 8, 2011 in Choices, Complicated, Crossroads, Free Will, Journey, Life, Moments, Relationship, Risk, Second Chance
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Maybe God does not want my life to have an “US” because come to think of it we’ve known each other for so long, we’ve travel far and our life have gone through ups and down. Yes I admit that I’ve been taken by you like no one can, love you deeply than all the other men I’ve known yet there’s something in me that holds back in giving you all of me without restriction, without conditions. So maybe it’s one of the reason why there could never be an “US” but if what is meant to be should come to pass then it would have happen sooner not later. I do believe that God send you to me for a reason maybe to cheer me up at my loneliest time and lift my soul when it seems to fall apart and vice versa. I know this is not a one sided thing but God’s ways are more magical than our way so I trust in Him. Maybe “US” was not meant to be but there is still a you and me who journey life maybe not together but still believing love will come their way and stay there forever. Thank you for everything and for the memories.

I have this blog for quite sometime now in the hope that this will chronicle my journey towards finding the perfect love for me, the happy ever after and the one I just can’t live without. But is there such a thing as perfect love? Are we capable of giving love unconditionally or perhaps only our mind can perceive what our heart cannot give. It’s simple really we are humans bound by the norms and morale of society easily hurt and discourage thus influence how we receive and give love. It’s not intentional to limit one’s love because perhaps that’s the only amount he can give because giving too much is unbearable for him for fear of hurting, for fear of rejection among other things. Then there are those who give too much thinking that if they shower you with enough love perhaps they might get it in return and so much more but sometimes no matter how hard you give love, how selfless you are in giving yourself some people just don’t reciprocate the way you feel. I guess that’s love sometimes grand, sometimes euphoric but a bit complicated. It could have been simple and perfect but we love to live the rollercoaster ride of emotion when we love someone maybe that’s the spice of it or maybe we just like the idea or the drama of a less smooth ride of our journey through love.

As for myself it’s been so long I’ve try to find that person whom I can give all of me without pretention, without fear, without misgiving and just really be true to who I am. But I’ve failed many times, expect too much, fly so high only to find my wings broken, my heart bruised, my illusion shattered and back again to my reality that there is no such thing as a perfect love. That one can only find real meaning in love if one learns to accept the others shortcoming and failure. To value him for all that he is and accept that although he might not measure up to your expectation but love can bridge one’s imperfection

12-20-10 start at 11:23pm

It’s the end of the month once again and here I am thinking how time flies. It seems so many things have change yet there’s still the one constant thing that remain the same my never ending journey of finding the right love for me. I know sometimes it’s so deceiving you thought you’ve find the one who will stay with you forevermore only to be disappointed later on. Next month will be the monthsary of the time I meet someone who’ve been a special part in my life. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years cause a lot of things happen between us but of course not the desire outcome I would have like. But yet I’m grateful to him for teaching my heart to love again, to hope, to dream and believe of a happy ever after. No we still don’t have our happy ever after nor could there be a chance because so many unspoken words left unsaid so many feelings left untackle and I guess we just have too much pride between us. I have accept the fact that maybe all we could ever be is good friends not great lover. I mean I can’t blame him because he did tried but I am just too freaking scared of what will happen afterwards. Too afraid to take a chance, to take that leap of faith that maybe possibly there could be an us. I was too contented to be just his friend and nothing more and now I’m still thinking of the could have been. But no used now because his gone and away from my life although he communicate once in awhile with me through sms but that’s all I’ve got just a forward message to know his still alive and breathing but can never be mine.

Sometimes in life all you can do is surrender it all to the one force that is greater than you because if you go on doing what you’re doing you’ll only end up exhausting your energy, your effort and yourself. Not so long ago I like two people and indeed they have become a part of my life. They lift me up when I’m feeling blue, they inspire when I feel uninspired, they let me hope that possibly there could be a you and a me. You might wonder why do I like two people and not one isn’t love just the two of us and not the three of us. But strange as it may seem I confuse myself too coz I like them both. Of course I must admit that the other one I feel more deeply since we’ve already shared so many memories together. And our journey and meeting is full of ups and down that even myself can’t quite believe that we’ve come this far. The other one I meet because I want to forget the other one thinking that if I meet someone new and possibly connect then I’ll forget the first. But who am I kidding instead I’ve confused my feelings for both of them and the last guy I sort of connected because he was so expressive and so sweet with what he feels unlike the first guy. However, my feelings for guy 1 runs so deep because at my loneliest hour and saddest moment he was always there to cheer me up. Yet he confuses me because I can’t seem to understand what I am to him so that’s why guy 2 comes into the picture. But as they say the more you play with love the less likely you get something in return and that’s what happen to me. I mean I’ve not intentionally play with love I’m just a lonely person looking for the one who’ll be willing to stay with me forever yet by some strange twist of fate they’re both gone from my life. The first guy finally went home to his hometown for good which if I take the cue makes our situation more difficult and less likely our story to have an ending. The other one actually found another love and it was not me I can’t blame him because we meet at the wrong time when he was already committed to someone and then when things didn’t workout with them I was angry with him so I guess we just drift apart. Then I realize maybe it’s God way of telling me to let them go and really, really move on with my life because little by little in His own little way he takes them away from me. It’s not so painful as I’ve thought it would be maybe because I’ve been trying to distance and untangled myself from them for awhile. Of course I wouldn’t deny that a part of my ego was hurt especially guy 2 for choosing another girl besides me. Oh well maybe we are just not meant to be and with regards to guy 1 our story definitely has no ending still yet I guess it’s better if we won’t keep on holding but move on to where we are meant to be because it’s been so long we’ve been dancing the same rhythm, singing the same song, going around in circles which is so mind boggling creates confusing feelings. I guess it’s time to say goodbye to my past and say hello to my future. Although uncertain but I know somewhere, somehow the one who is intended for me will come my way and stay with me for keeps.

PS: By the way this month is the 3 year anniversary of my blog in where I decide to chronicle my journey into love. It’s been quite an adventure meet some interesting people, fall in love, break my heart yet still believing somewhere there’s always someone waiting for me it’s just a matter of time.

There comes a point in your life when you just want to surrender it all to fate especially if despite all the longings and wishes of your heart yet it remains unanswered. When love seems so close but feels so far, when the person you long to be with seems so unreachable, then you find out your heart seems to be tired of everything and it feels bruised as if its been punched a thousand times. Yet the amazing thing about the heart is that it recuperate and does not stop beating. It continues on loving no matter how painful, how traumatic and hurt it feels sometimes, because the heart does not get discourage. It goes on hoping and loving endlessly believing that even if at times there seems to be no answer, people seem oblivious, too callous and cold yet something keeps on beating because it knows that somewhere, somehow there’s always someone willing to open its door on love.  For love is forever it knows no boundaries, conquers all misgivings, tear down walls and heal all pains. Just like my heartbeat that never stops beating, in rhythm with the music of my heart always believing somewhere, somehow love will find its way to me and stay there for good.

How time flies and half of the year is already gone but it seems to me life is just drifting, passing me by with the same dilemma over and over again. I don’t know why I’ve reached this point in my life where it’s so hard for me to say goodbye, move on and get on with my life. May was a trying month for me besides losing my job I also decided to let go of two people who’ve become an integral part of my life.

The first friend is so hard to let go because I’ve known him for almost 3 years and for all the things that I’ve done and sacrifice I can’t just imagine life without him. But we’ve been dancing to the same tunes for years now and the stepping seems to echo the same pattern over and over again. It seems were always running round and round in circles without a clear goal in mind. I can’t blame him or myself because we wanted two different things at very opposite directions so it’s hard to go from there when there’s no unity. I’ve wished many times for things to change that somehow, somewhere there could be an ending to our story but it’s so futile so I really do wished to move on and get on with my life without always thinking about him.

The other one I’ve meet last year but it was not until January that we’ve become closer and I thought there was something going on in there until I found out about his lies and his girl. I won’t deny I started to feel something for him maybe it’s because of the closeness we’ve had for months but being number two is not my cup of tea. I started to stay away from him last month and do my disappearing act but there are moments that I’ve missed him. And I was so confuse because I’m the type of person who only fall in love with one person and I do love someone but my feelings for him is quite mixed up. It’s his bday today but I didn’t greet him because sometimes I don’t understand myself why I’m angry and jealous at him. Maybe I’m starting to feel something or maybe there is just so much left unsaid.

And here I am thinking that I’ve already given them up last May and finally free myself of all the dramas and unwanted emotional uncertainty only to find out this month that both of them are still a part of my life. Both of them still wants me in their life and can quite accept perhaps if I’ll be gone completely. But I don’t want the uncertainty I’ve felt for them and sometimes I asked myself if I’m just deluding myself of the mixed signals and confusing emotions. Maybe because I’m lonely that’s why I’m so needy. I’m not usually like these I can walk away easily if I find a certain situation so inconvenient and if I’m not treated well by men.

Maybe sometimes the price we pay for growing up is having to make do with lonely feeling we felt when there’s no one around to comfort, care and love us. But at this point in my life I don’t want a love that is only half full and half empty I want a love that is full without restrictions, without prejudices and without other parties involve. Because if I love someone I love him with all of me and I accept him for whatever shortcomings and imperfections he might have.

Summer has finally come to an end and here I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that this month would be full of exciting adventures and revelation but oh was I wrong. I’ve spend this month mostly wrapped up in my so-called life meaning more schoolwork and less fun and adventure.

I was also hiding from someone because as I’ve said in my previous post I don’t want to be just a second choice but I don’t know what happen things didn’t workout well with them but not thanks to me ok because I was not in the picture when things went sour. I was in hiding and hiatus for almost a month now. I didn’t regret my decision and I thought that I would really be hurt seeing them together but no there was no ache in my heart.

Maybe the reason I was so bother and sad couple of months ago when he finally admitted to me he has a girlfriend is that my EGO was hurt and bruised but I guess the feelings didn’t run deep. Although I won’t deny for a time I was taken with him and quite captivated that I’ve forgotten my other friend the one I keep writing about in this blog. The one who made me confuse about my feelings, the one who can make me feel both sad and happy at the same time, the one I keep thinking about most of the time and the one who’ve always been there at the sad moments in my life.

But then I realize I’ve waisted so much time and emotion with all these uncertain guys and yet they still leave me empty and searching for more. They can’t seem to fill up that emptiness and loneliness I sometimes feel. Or maybe I am just expecting too much from them and not accepting the things that they can give me.

Oh love you’re such a confusing sentiment at times that you leave me breathless and clueless but yet you’re still such a wonderful feeling that can create great excitement and stir up a positive emotion that warms you up from the tip of your toe up to the remotest part of your brain that tugs a special part of your heart.

It’s the last day of the month once again and here I am writing another entry since I try to make it a point to write at least one entry for month just for updates about the going on with my life. I used to blog more before but when you get caught up in the mundaness of your life then sometimes it become a bit tiresome. But I love this blog and I love how people can empathize with what I feel with regards to my journey in love.

Yeah it’s still a never ending journey of discovery unravelling each day as it folds and manifest it’s real situation right before your eyes. I have been in confusion for many months now or lets just say more than a year with a particular friend. It’s been one constant struggle to finally accept and be contented with the things he can give and not expect for more. Because of that insecurities I’ve meet men who not only does not fill the void I’ve been searching for but also taught me a lesson never ever to look for a substitute when in fact they will never ever compare to the one who holds your heart but last January I meet a new friend. Well not really personally I’ve been chatting with him for more than 6 months but it was not until the beginning of this year that we’ve really talk and become close.

I sort of welcome it at first because it was the diversion I’m looking for so as not to think of the other guy. He do fills up the empty spaces in between my somewhat boring and monotonous routine everyday in the office. We talk for hours that I’ve even memorize his daily routine from the time he got off work to the time he’ll go to work. I didn’t expect to be connected and in touch with him because as I’ve said it’s a nice diversion. But what I didn’t count on was that I would really like him and be attached to him. I must admit he is such a sweet guy and fond of giving compliments which as a lady you really like to hear. I mean I’ve swear not to believe those sweet talking, smooth moves men who just like the chase and conquest but not really looking for the real thing.

But maybe because I was lonely at that time and seeking someone to fill the void thus I didn’t realize that each day I’ve become attached to you and I started dreaming dreams creating illusions in my hyper active brain because I thought you care too until I find out you have a girlfriend. You did not deny it or make excuses you admit it wholeheartedly to me but what shock me the most is you asking me to be the other woman in your life. Oh geez it’s quite tempting cause I know I’m attracted to you physically and I really find you a sweet guy but I’ve really no intention to be the other woman albeit his not your wife yet.

I know there could be a chance if I wish too but I don’t wish too because I prefer to love someone who can be committed to me. I mean it’s hard as it is loving a single person how much more two persons. I may either be too idealistic but that’s just what I am I’m a believer of this thing called Love. And in case you really truly love that person you put your whole heart and soul in loving that person and not hurting each other right. And what do you call it when you confess to be in a relationship with someone and still look for a diversion.

I do admit I’m taken with you and I’m quite disappointed that our promise to spend time with each other this May will just probably be a dream that can’t be realize because help me I won’t settle for the other side of the puzzle either I will complete the missing pieces of your heart and not share you with other ladies. But who am I to take you away from the person you profess you’re committed with because I do feel sad for the girl and for myself. Well whatever the future brings I just hope May is a month full of love maybe not you but with other people.