Archive for the ‘Path’ Category

There comes a point in your life when you question yourself  how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster.  Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

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After awhile I tend to give up on things thinking that life seems to be dragging by and everything is just running around in circles. It seems pointless to me to go on wishing that somehow life brings me what I am looking for. Although I know deep within what it is but I’m always in denial of many things. So I go on pretending that I will be OK without you that life can still be beautiful just me in it. I always resisted the urge to communicate whenever the missing bug hit me. It’s just my silly pride talking again but then I realize after days and weeks that I was still not happy. It seems I am longing for something I can’t quite comprehend. My days are busy and filled with activities but when I go home at night the loneliness set in. Then, it hit me that no matter how I try to deny it, thoughts of you keep sipping in. I just can’t help it you’ve grown into me much deeper than I would have like. You creep inside this heart of mine trying to revive its dying beat. You put warmth to a once cold soul and bring a glow to my pale colorless world. But then life is not simple, life is like love full of complexities that try to unravel as you go along your journey. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter but enough balance to keep it beautifully blended. Just like us sometimes we have our moments and at times we want to just leave it all behind and move forward. I don’t know what’s enstore for us because we’ve been in this boat for quite awhile now but all I know is that being with you just makes me happy and I’m not denying anything now.

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A new year has finally enter and it seems my life’s drama still going on and on. Well it’s not actually a drama but this feeling I have for you seems an endless cycle I can’t quite escape. But sometimes its too hard to make a really good choice as if I feel myself watching the hit series for “love or money” where you are to choose which you prefer the love or the money. It’s what a close friend once says to me that a beauty queen during a question and answer portion was asked if you were given a choice which would you choose crown or love  and she says the crown.

So my friend ask me what would you choose and I tell her at this moment in my life I would choose the crown because if you were to ask me a couple of months back or year ago I would definitely say love. That is just me I’m a romantic person always believing that love is far greater than any money or riches can be found in life. However if one get burn too many times one prefers to choose the crown or the money than continue on playing with fire all for the glory of love.

But in your case its really so hard to decide because I’ve waited too long for you, I’ve hold on to you when the pain I’ve felt was too strong, I’ve forgive you too many times when I thought you’ve left me hanging in there. Now that I’m at a point where my dreams are too precious to me it seems you’re calling me home to take a chance with you, to take a risk and to choose love once again. 

It’s really a confusing time for me when I’ve invested too much already to pursue a dream of being independent yet the allure of your arms waiting for me seems to keep me alive of a promise perhaps of a new love. Could I possibly be happy with just a crown or could I possibly have the best of both world by knowing how to do to the right balance. Well who knows God really is the only one who can answer my prayer but honestly speaking at this moment in time I’m really confuse which path to take.

I don’t know if I can trust you again I was hurt when you left me so suddenly. Many questions filled my mind only you could have the answer but then again where would I find you when you are so far from my reach. The funny thing about life is that just when I least expected it you came back. I don’t know if I would be happy that you’re back and embrace you with open arms or be hesitant that you might again hurt me this time around. I’ve been in this path before not with you but with the other guy. I was happy when he came back but it turn out it was a short lived happiness and now I’m confused what to do with you. Should I give you a chance and let you in my heart again or should I just shut the door and never let you in. It is so confusing but I’m happy to hear from you again. I hope I will find the courage to trust you and welcome you back into my arms.

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Our life is compose of a series of moments, not the bigger picture, not the drama, not the search for total bliss nor the happily ever after. Oftentimes we want to stay in a certain situation forever that we wish it to never end but as there is beginning so there must be an ending. Why can’t we stay in a particular situation forever, why must it have to move on and change because for me the beauty of life is not the bigger picture or happily after. The beauty lies in the moments. Sometimes we forget to savour the moment we rush so fast to things that needs to be done, to goals that needs to be achieve, to problems need to be fix and so on and so forth but we forget to just sit and relax and see and enjoy that moment for once its gone you can never really go back to it.

There are moments that I savor so much that I keep them close to my heart and I thank all those people who share those moments with me for without them it wouldn’t be as memorable. I have my moments of joy, moments of tears, moments of triump, moments of englighten, moments of great friendship, moments of love, moments of letting go, moments of surprise, moments of lost, moments of betrayal, moments of being special that I thank God everyday of my life for the moments that made my day beautifully bless. It might not be much to some, I might not be as successful nor as achiever as other people but I’m grateful for the friends I’ve met along the way who share special moments with me and for the men who share a bit of their lives I also thank you for that moment when you’ve also been a part of my life.

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Oh after months of wondering will I ever see you for real? After days of thinking and wishing that somehow I know what you feel for me. I was sad once when I found out you were dating someone else. I thought there was something going on for us only to find out otherwise but I didn’t cry over that cause I have meet someone at that time who is making me smile too. So the affection I felt for you somehow transfer to another guy who makes my days happy and just add a little bit color of my somewhat drab life. Then I start to question myself if somehow I did felt something for you and as the days went by our communication became less and less. I was not worried because I have found someone to keep me preoccupied thinking that maybe it was one of those things that comes and goes. I was thankful for the memories. I was thankful to have meet you even if we have not yet gotten the chance to met for real. Although you’re not really my type of guy but something in you makes me really like you and wish we could have something more before. So I let it go not having contacts with you cause perhaps it was not meant to be after all. The other guy was gone too leaving me in a bit of confusion but now a bit of trying to live for myself without you both in my life. But then again why would I call you both mine when literally speaking you are not really mine in the first place. It was just borrowed time we have to fill all the emptiness/loneliness of our lives. But then to suddenly receive a call that you are near my place and you want to see me. Oh it was so unexpected I haven’t really expected to hear from you again and now this call. The offer was too good to resist so we did see each other after so long contemplating. You were not all that I imagine you to be you are quite different than what I expected but in a good way. Meeting you is bittersweet. Bitter because you come at a time when I was confuse who really matter most in my heart and sweet because after a long time coming we really did get to met. I don’t know what this means either we could be friends for real or continue the one we thought we had before. Either way I am happy and at peace now with my life and meeting you was just an icing on the cake but honestly I’m really glad I’ve finally meet you at least it won’t leave me wondering. I don’t know what you think of me but I hope its a good impression. Till now I won’t expect much from you and I will just live life one day at a time and keeping my heart open for a new love to come my way.

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Just thinking about it and writing this blog makes my heart aches oh but I must say this to you Goodbye for now my duckie but I miss you cause you just brought me so much joy when you came into my life. You are really one of a kind haven’t met a person like you who is a bit out of this world with your silly thoughts and ideas. My christmas was happy because of you just talking, talking nonsense out of this world foolish foolish talks. Oh we were like kids trapped in the adult world of living. We share something out of our lonely existence. You were there for me and I for you but I guess nothing is really constant in this world I guess we must change and move on and makes me so sad really I want to cry, I want to write you something special a poem perhaps but have never got around to it. No word can’t quite describe what I feel for you maybe in time the words to my poem will materialize but as of now I’m just so full of feelings I can’t quite comprehend. I did promise you before I will write something but it sad you won’t be able to read it. Oh geez why must it end why must there goodbye to you too, I like having you around too much, i like hearing your voice, your laughter and I miss seeing your smiley faces and I miss your teasing. I miss the songs oh its very hard cause everytime I turn on my mp4 most of your songs pop up making me remember and think of you. Will I ever get over this longing for you and just get on with my life. But it seems I’ve no inclination to find someone new not like before where its so easy to look for a replacement but I guess this time around you leave more part of you than I ever bargain for. Oh if we could only froze time and stay there forever to the fun times we have but I guess I must learn to live again my life without you and just thank you for coming into my life. No matter how brief for then I realize that there is someone who has bit the same temperament and can understand me just as I am. Goodbye, I hope someday is not too short and permit us to see each other again and who knows oh well its always free to dream so for now all I have to do is dream again 🙂

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Here lies my thoughts, feelings, ideas, life, love and dreams in a nutshell.  This is my very first blog entry, the first time I discover this blogsite and hopefully you get to see many more of my works and ideas.  Everyday is a journey into the greatest mystery of the universe of unravelling slowly the things that we find most enjoyable in our lives and facing the things we don’t like much with courage and hope and faith that everytime we fall there is an up to look forward too.  My life not always the typically peachy sunny side up kind of thing but it has spices, salt and sugar as well to make it more tasty.  Yeah I’m bit far off from this world I guess cause its because I’m bit at my artsy mood and besides I love to eat.  What was it forest gump use to say “Life is like a box of chocolates you’ll never know what will come out”…anyway enjoy reading my blog and if you like it well you can always link me to your blogs or vice versa