Archive for the ‘Moving On’ Category

The year is almost ending and looking back I could say it has its up and down but majority of what happen this year is ruled out by my emotion. Romantically speaking I could not say that this aspect of my life is so great as I’ve not meet many new people but just the same old romantic flame/interest. But come to think of it what surprise me the most this year is talking to someone I haven’t get in touch with since 2007. It was a short term affair and so unexpected. It was a fun thing but nothing major worth hanging on to until we talk again. Although part of me still want to see him again but another part tells me to let bygones be bygones. So I decided not to meet this time around but what I do realize is that he was such a fun person and really knows how to handle me. The other guy which I know since 2009 was the worst case of them all besides playing around his gf back he always tend to break his promises. I keep telling myself to just ignore him completely so I can get him off my system too but I guess sometimes I feel there is this sort of connection that we both can’t let go. But I’m not so into him as I used to be. The last guy, the one who hold my heart for the longest time, the one whom I’m having a hard time letting go but I know sooner I can really do that with no regrets. Last year when he went back to his place I thought to myself that I’m going to miss his company, his visit to the office among other things. Although we don’t see eye to eye in many things but I just can’t help the feeling that he ignites within me. I’m always happy whenever he’s around and I feel complete. Because of the different way we see things hence our story is like a rollercoaster ride so when he decides to go home I thought it be easier to let go. But oh boy was I mistaken because despite the distance I still miss him and long for his company. I guess is you love someone letting them go takes time and though it’s hard to really accept the fact but sooner or later you do can move on. Little by little I find the courage to accept that maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe we’re just two lonely people who meet each other one cold december evening 4 years ago. We find solace and comfort through the loneliest times in our lives. He was my strength when I’m feeling down, he was the source of my laughter when I feel so sad, he was the music that beats to the rhythm of my heart. He was so many things in my life and now he’s no longer there. I don’t blame him for giving up on me cause what we are to each other is also confusing we’re not lovers nor are we just friends cause the way we feel surpass mere friendship but we never get to cross the line and become lovers. Although we barely talk anymore but the last time we talk it felt strange sort of like we’re strangers again getting to know each other for the first. Losing him is hard but I accept the fact that it’s really time for us to move on and seek other people who can feel the gap that we fail to fill in it’s other shoes. Yes I do miss him once in awhile (common’ 4 years is such a long time to love someone) but I realize we can never be happy unless one let’s go and move on.

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It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

Maybe God does not want my life to have an “US” because come to think of it we’ve known each other for so long, we’ve travel far and our life have gone through ups and down. Yes I admit that I’ve been taken by you like no one can, love you deeply than all the other men I’ve known yet there’s something in me that holds back in giving you all of me without restriction, without conditions. So maybe it’s one of the reason why there could never be an “US” but if what is meant to be should come to pass then it would have happen sooner not later. I do believe that God send you to me for a reason maybe to cheer me up at my loneliest time and lift my soul when it seems to fall apart and vice versa. I know this is not a one sided thing but God’s ways are more magical than our way so I trust in Him. Maybe “US” was not meant to be but there is still a you and me who journey life maybe not together but still believing love will come their way and stay there forever. Thank you for everything and for the memories.

It’s the last day of the month once again and here I am writing another entry since I try to make it a point to write at least one entry for month just for updates about the going on with my life. I used to blog more before but when you get caught up in the mundaness of your life then sometimes it become a bit tiresome. But I love this blog and I love how people can empathize with what I feel with regards to my journey in love.

Yeah it’s still a never ending journey of discovery unravelling each day as it folds and manifest it’s real situation right before your eyes. I have been in confusion for many months now or lets just say more than a year with a particular friend. It’s been one constant struggle to finally accept and be contented with the things he can give and not expect for more. Because of that insecurities I’ve meet men who not only does not fill the void I’ve been searching for but also taught me a lesson never ever to look for a substitute when in fact they will never ever compare to the one who holds your heart but last January I meet a new friend. Well not really personally I’ve been chatting with him for more than 6 months but it was not until the beginning of this year that we’ve really talk and become close.

I sort of welcome it at first because it was the diversion I’m looking for so as not to think of the other guy. He do fills up the empty spaces in between my somewhat boring and monotonous routine everyday in the office. We talk for hours that I’ve even memorize his daily routine from the time he got off work to the time he’ll go to work. I didn’t expect to be connected and in touch with him because as I’ve said it’s a nice diversion. But what I didn’t count on was that I would really like him and be attached to him. I must admit he is such a sweet guy and fond of giving compliments which as a lady you really like to hear. I mean I’ve swear not to believe those sweet talking, smooth moves men who just like the chase and conquest but not really looking for the real thing.

But maybe because I was lonely at that time and seeking someone to fill the void thus I didn’t realize that each day I’ve become attached to you and I started dreaming dreams creating illusions in my hyper active brain because I thought you care too until I find out you have a girlfriend. You did not deny it or make excuses you admit it wholeheartedly to me but what shock me the most is you asking me to be the other woman in your life. Oh geez it’s quite tempting cause I know I’m attracted to you physically and I really find you a sweet guy but I’ve really no intention to be the other woman albeit his not your wife yet.

I know there could be a chance if I wish too but I don’t wish too because I prefer to love someone who can be committed to me. I mean it’s hard as it is loving a single person how much more two persons. I may either be too idealistic but that’s just what I am I’m a believer of this thing called Love. And in case you really truly love that person you put your whole heart and soul in loving that person and not hurting each other right. And what do you call it when you confess to be in a relationship with someone and still look for a diversion.

I do admit I’m taken with you and I’m quite disappointed that our promise to spend time with each other this May will just probably be a dream that can’t be realize because help me I won’t settle for the other side of the puzzle either I will complete the missing pieces of your heart and not share you with other ladies. But who am I to take you away from the person you profess you’re committed with because I do feel sad for the girl and for myself. Well whatever the future brings I just hope May is a month full of love maybe not you but with other people.

There comes a point in your life when you question yourself  how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster.  Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

Life is empty without someone to love, but it’s more
sad to think if the one you love doesn’t feel as much
as you’re feeling. I’ve been in this state for months
now, I don’t really like this feeling. I try not to
think about it, my longings and my wishes that
somehow you’ll treat me as more than a friend. I’ve
been deluding myself that we could have more.
Everytime we see each other I wish to hug you, kiss
you and be always there for you and never let go. But
then you only see me as your friend, the one who’s
always there for you when you needed someone,
something or anything. You said I’m a lifesaver, an
angel and all sorts of gratitude but I guess I’m
selfish because I want more from you. I want you to
love me the way that I love you. But I guess
sometimes life is not like that cause I might like
one thing and you like anotherthing so we’re always

running at the opposite end. I don’t want to keep on feeling this way, to keep missing you at odd moments and to keep hoping for things that could have been. I just wish

to accept what we are and hopefully find a new love in the horizon.

5868-loving-you

Life is empty without someone to love, but it’s more  sad to think if the one you love doesn’t feel as much as you’re feeling. I’ve been in this state for months  now, I don’t really like this feeling. I try not to think about it, my longings and my wishes that somehow you’ll treat me as more than a friend. I’ve been deluding myself that we could have more. Everytime we see each other I wish to hug you, kiss you and be always there for you and never let go. But then you only see me as your friend, the one who’s always there for you when you needed someone, something or anything. You said I’m a lifesaver, an angel and all sorts of gratitude but I guess I’m selfish because I want more from you. I want you to love me the way that I love you. But I guess sometimes life is not like that cause I might like one thing and you like another thing so we’re always running at the opposite end. I don’t want to keep on feeling this way, to keep missing you at odd moments and to keep hoping for things that could have been. I just wish to accept what we are and hopefully find a new love in the horizon.

first-love

It is hard to love someone in silent. It is hard to keep that love to yourself knowing that it wants to be set free, to be let go and to be share. But I have no choice but to keep this feeling to myself. You warned me not to love you because I might only hurt myself in the process. I guess you know deep inside that you cannot give away what you don’t feel in your heart. I don’t know which is painful keeping this love to myself or not getting the love I want from you. Either way it still hurt a bit knowing you love someone who treats you only as a friend. 

I thought what I feel for you was just gratitude for the time when loneliness seems to envelop me and you were there to lift my spirit up. But everytime I see you I know it’s more than gratitude and I know that you have a soft spot here in my heart. I know I feel a certain affection towards you but geeezzz it’s so hard to keep this feeling to myself. It’s so hard loving you in silence. It’s so hard to be just your friend.

But come to think of it I’ll rather love you like a mute and be your friend than tell you I love you and you’ll go away from me.

Now its September and I feel my world is getting colder because the wind is suddenly closing in. Nope it’s not autumn in the place where I live in cause it has only two season (rainy and dry). But this coldness emanates from within when I realize that you’re really gone from my life for good. I guess it sort of blow out the light that continue to sparks, to hope, to dream that there just might be an ending. Yeah I know as real as the sun rises everyday and sets in twilight that you’re not coming back. I’ll feel the wind for now but I know it won’t be long since usually storms just pass by and leaves just as fast as it come. I know life would be good after awhile with or without you but I’ve said goodbye to you many times and what’s the different now. Well I guess since now I’m going to be closing a chapter in my book and will never look back. Heck just as what my friends always tell me “Anyone who doesn’t value you doesn’t deserve you”. Well I guess I was not meant for you just as well cause you didn’t see my worth. This will be a new beginning in my journey in love and wondering who might be the next one to put that smile on my face and make my heart skip a beat.

How do you start living again a new life?

How do you find the courage to go on & find a new horizon?

How do you say goodbye to someone who’ve touch something deep inside of you?

How do you let go of a dear friend & companion in those loneliest moments in your life?

How do you stay strong despite the weakness you’ve constantly felt?

How do you even find time to smile although your hearts crying in vain?

How do you go on when something wants to stay put in the past?

Too many questions I don’t have any answers or clue. I’ve been contemplating most of the times of these feelings & keep on wondering what is it with you that made me feel so deep.

I guess somehow without me knowing it you’ve creep & stick yourself firmly inside my heart. The heart that don’t want to love just to feel pain later on. But I guess you did exactly that, you tear the wall I’ve built so hard & just leave it shattered & broken.

I wish I am just dreaming, I wish you are not gone but when I open my eyes each day I know its real. I know you are gone and I don’t know if you’ll ever come back. So I guess I will live my life again back to the time I haven’t met you.

Is this the end of the line for us? Is it time for me to let go? I’ve waited long enough for you to finally realize my presence in your life but too bad you’re just coming in and out of it. Do you have any plans at all or are you just waiting for the most convenient time. Time for what? To say goodbye to me or to say hello I’ve missed you. Either way I’m tired, tired of waiting for something that could just be an empty illusion. Maybe I’ve just built my castle too big in the air only to find sands amidst my feet. I want to be happy and if letting you go is the answer then so be it. I know its hard but time can heal and I’ll find someone who’ll make me happy. We may or may not meet again in this lifetime but I hope life would be kind to you. And thanks for the memories and the time when you made me feel so fine.