Archive for the ‘Loving You’ Category

There comes a point in your life that you’ll realize the best thing to do is wait and trust that in the end what your heart’s desire will come to pass. I have not been in a writing mode for sometime but as I’ve realize there are still people who visited my blog and some stumbled upon it by accident and one way or another they stay and read some of my entry. Yes we are all guilty sometimes of yearning so much for love and affection for the opposite sex that some people forgot to cherish it as a gift not to be chased but must be welcome with open arms. And since we just can’t set back and wait for it we tend to move fast thinking when somebody good or even not so good comes along we’re off to never neverland and dreaming of a happy ever after and life as a bed of roses. But this illusion doesn’t last so long coz’ then reality sets in and we now try to find many faults with our partner. I wonder if we could ever accept a person for everything that he is flaws and all and not be too judgemental if suddenly the prince you think is too good for you turnout to be a frog. If we were given choices of course we’ll always choose the prince over the frog. However, when we love someone deeply we must be able to love first the frog before the prince only then can we love with our hearts not our sights. Indeed really loving someone is a very confusing emotion coz’ who knows it might just be a love for sight and not love by feelings. So many times we confused love with physical attraction and chemistry hence most people experience heartbreak and disillusionment. I myself is still struggling with separating these feelings of confusing love coz at times I tend to feel love with different people at the same time. I love him for this, I love him for that, OH how I wish he has this trait that the other one has then it would be perfect. See it’s hard even to love somebody with all your heart without comparing him to past love or other people one feels a bit of affection. Even at this point in my life when I’m past the stage of young love and I’m into adult love I still felt confused coz’ I did love somebody before more than the other men in my life yet there are things about him that I feel hypocritical yet my feelings run deep that I did many crazy things. I did not love him by sight but I love him with a deep feelings that reaches the very core of my being yet sometimes I fail to give all the love that I should have given knowing the depths of what I feel. I guess when all is said and done I’m just human also blinded by the quest of that elusive perfect love which come to think of it really doesn’t exist. (10-31-11 @ 11:30pm)

It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

Maybe God does not want my life to have an “US” because come to think of it we’ve known each other for so long, we’ve travel far and our life have gone through ups and down. Yes I admit that I’ve been taken by you like no one can, love you deeply than all the other men I’ve known yet there’s something in me that holds back in giving you all of me without restriction, without conditions. So maybe it’s one of the reason why there could never be an “US” but if what is meant to be should come to pass then it would have happen sooner not later. I do believe that God send you to me for a reason maybe to cheer me up at my loneliest time and lift my soul when it seems to fall apart and vice versa. I know this is not a one sided thing but God’s ways are more magical than our way so I trust in Him. Maybe “US” was not meant to be but there is still a you and me who journey life maybe not together but still believing love will come their way and stay there forever. Thank you for everything and for the memories.

It’s the end of the month once again and here I am thinking how time flies. It seems so many things have change yet there’s still the one constant thing that remain the same my never ending journey of finding the right love for me. I know sometimes it’s so deceiving you thought you’ve find the one who will stay with you forevermore only to be disappointed later on. Next month will be the monthsary of the time I meet someone who’ve been a special part in my life. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years cause a lot of things happen between us but of course not the desire outcome I would have like. But yet I’m grateful to him for teaching my heart to love again, to hope, to dream and believe of a happy ever after. No we still don’t have our happy ever after nor could there be a chance because so many unspoken words left unsaid so many feelings left untackle and I guess we just have too much pride between us. I have accept the fact that maybe all we could ever be is good friends not great lover. I mean I can’t blame him because he did tried but I am just too freaking scared of what will happen afterwards. Too afraid to take a chance, to take that leap of faith that maybe possibly there could be an us. I was too contented to be just his friend and nothing more and now I’m still thinking of the could have been. But no used now because his gone and away from my life although he communicate once in awhile with me through sms but that’s all I’ve got just a forward message to know his still alive and breathing but can never be mine.

There comes a point in your life when you just want to surrender it all to fate especially if despite all the longings and wishes of your heart yet it remains unanswered. When love seems so close but feels so far, when the person you long to be with seems so unreachable, then you find out your heart seems to be tired of everything and it feels bruised as if its been punched a thousand times. Yet the amazing thing about the heart is that it recuperate and does not stop beating. It continues on loving no matter how painful, how traumatic and hurt it feels sometimes, because the heart does not get discourage. It goes on hoping and loving endlessly believing that even if at times there seems to be no answer, people seem oblivious, too callous and cold yet something keeps on beating because it knows that somewhere, somehow there’s always someone willing to open its door on love.  For love is forever it knows no boundaries, conquers all misgivings, tear down walls and heal all pains. Just like my heartbeat that never stops beating, in rhythm with the music of my heart always believing somewhere, somehow love will find its way to me and stay there for good.

It’s the last day of the month once again and here I am writing another entry since I try to make it a point to write at least one entry for month just for updates about the going on with my life. I used to blog more before but when you get caught up in the mundaness of your life then sometimes it become a bit tiresome. But I love this blog and I love how people can empathize with what I feel with regards to my journey in love.

Yeah it’s still a never ending journey of discovery unravelling each day as it folds and manifest it’s real situation right before your eyes. I have been in confusion for many months now or lets just say more than a year with a particular friend. It’s been one constant struggle to finally accept and be contented with the things he can give and not expect for more. Because of that insecurities I’ve meet men who not only does not fill the void I’ve been searching for but also taught me a lesson never ever to look for a substitute when in fact they will never ever compare to the one who holds your heart but last January I meet a new friend. Well not really personally I’ve been chatting with him for more than 6 months but it was not until the beginning of this year that we’ve really talk and become close.

I sort of welcome it at first because it was the diversion I’m looking for so as not to think of the other guy. He do fills up the empty spaces in between my somewhat boring and monotonous routine everyday in the office. We talk for hours that I’ve even memorize his daily routine from the time he got off work to the time he’ll go to work. I didn’t expect to be connected and in touch with him because as I’ve said it’s a nice diversion. But what I didn’t count on was that I would really like him and be attached to him. I must admit he is such a sweet guy and fond of giving compliments which as a lady you really like to hear. I mean I’ve swear not to believe those sweet talking, smooth moves men who just like the chase and conquest but not really looking for the real thing.

But maybe because I was lonely at that time and seeking someone to fill the void thus I didn’t realize that each day I’ve become attached to you and I started dreaming dreams creating illusions in my hyper active brain because I thought you care too until I find out you have a girlfriend. You did not deny it or make excuses you admit it wholeheartedly to me but what shock me the most is you asking me to be the other woman in your life. Oh geez it’s quite tempting cause I know I’m attracted to you physically and I really find you a sweet guy but I’ve really no intention to be the other woman albeit his not your wife yet.

I know there could be a chance if I wish too but I don’t wish too because I prefer to love someone who can be committed to me. I mean it’s hard as it is loving a single person how much more two persons. I may either be too idealistic but that’s just what I am I’m a believer of this thing called Love. And in case you really truly love that person you put your whole heart and soul in loving that person and not hurting each other right. And what do you call it when you confess to be in a relationship with someone and still look for a diversion.

I do admit I’m taken with you and I’m quite disappointed that our promise to spend time with each other this May will just probably be a dream that can’t be realize because help me I won’t settle for the other side of the puzzle either I will complete the missing pieces of your heart and not share you with other ladies. But who am I to take you away from the person you profess you’re committed with because I do feel sad for the girl and for myself. Well whatever the future brings I just hope May is a month full of love maybe not you but with other people.

I can’t believe how time flies, it seems that over a year has passed since we meet. And oh what an eventful year  it was I’ve realize so many things, my feelings have its ups and down. I have my fair share of tears, pains and confusion with regards to what I feel for you. I won’t deny that I do feel something for you maybe this is what love is all about. Caring too much for the person, for his welfare and even accepting all of his shortcomings. But the sad part is I never did know what I am in your life. Am I just more than a friend? Am I a puzzle to solve? Am I a challenge or conquest? I guess I’m one insecure person when I’m with you. Because I don’t know where my place is and I’m expecting too much for something that you can’t quite give. But after awhile I learn to accept our situation, although I must admit the feelings I have is still here in my heart, but in order for one to grow one must learn to move on and pick up the pieces of one’s life. I’m not actually saying goodbye because I always like having you around even if not like the way I want it to be, but being friends is much better than life without you in it. I’m not also closing my doors that there could never be an US but I’m more realistic in facing life that possibly US might just mean friends and not forevermore. And who knows there is something more enstore for you and me. Whatever life brings I’ll always be grateful to God for giving me a chance to meet someone like you. Thank you for everything and for touching a part of my life.

There comes a point in your life when you question yourself  how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster.  Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

After awhile I tend to give up on things thinking that life seems to be dragging by and everything is just running around in circles. It seems pointless to me to go on wishing that somehow life brings me what I am looking for. Although I know deep within what it is but I’m always in denial of many things. So I go on pretending that I will be OK without you that life can still be beautiful just me in it. I always resisted the urge to communicate whenever the missing bug hit me. It’s just my silly pride talking again but then I realize after days and weeks that I was still not happy. It seems I am longing for something I can’t quite comprehend. My days are busy and filled with activities but when I go home at night the loneliness set in. Then, it hit me that no matter how I try to deny it, thoughts of you keep sipping in. I just can’t help it you’ve grown into me much deeper than I would have like. You creep inside this heart of mine trying to revive its dying beat. You put warmth to a once cold soul and bring a glow to my pale colorless world. But then life is not simple, life is like love full of complexities that try to unravel as you go along your journey. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter but enough balance to keep it beautifully blended. Just like us sometimes we have our moments and at times we want to just leave it all behind and move forward. I don’t know what’s enstore for us because we’ve been in this boat for quite awhile now but all I know is that being with you just makes me happy and I’m not denying anything now.

I Want

Posted: October 30, 2009 in Choices, I love you, Journey, Life, Loving You
Tags: ,

Waiting_for_Love_by_TheImperfectImpala

I want to close my eyes & feel the rain touching my skin with your arms wrap around me.

I want to hold you close and feel the warmth of your touch.

I want to feel your lips kissing me in the pouring rain.

I want to hear the beating of your heart as if in eager anticipation.

I want to soar high in heaven with you till we find our own ecstasy.

I want to hear my soul find its rhythm that match the melody of your heart.

I want to see your eyes glitter in pure bliss and contentment.

I want to see you smile so freely without a tinge of sadness.

I want to fit my hands in yours knowing it rightly belongs there.

I want to say I love you from the bottom of my heart.

I want to hear you say I love you as if nothing else matters but that moment in time.

I want to spend my life forever with you, sharing and living our dreams.

I want to journey the world together discovering new oceans and horizons.

I want to do so many things but a lifetime is not enough.

I want to let you know that no one else makes me happy like the way you do.