Archive for the ‘Letting Go’ Category

The year is almost ending and looking back I could say it has its up and down but majority of what happen this year is ruled out by my emotion. Romantically speaking I could not say that this aspect of my life is so great as I’ve not meet many new people but just the same old romantic flame/interest. But come to think of it what surprise me the most this year is talking to someone I haven’t get in touch with since 2007. It was a short term affair and so unexpected. It was a fun thing but nothing major worth hanging on to until we talk again. Although part of me still want to see him again but another part tells me to let bygones be bygones. So I decided not to meet this time around but what I do realize is that he was such a fun person and really knows how to handle me. The other guy which I know since 2009 was the worst case of them all besides playing around his gf back he always tend to break his promises. I keep telling myself to just ignore him completely so I can get him off my system too but I guess sometimes I feel there is this sort of connection that we both can’t let go. But I’m not so into him as I used to be. The last guy, the one who hold my heart for the longest time, the one whom I’m having a hard time letting go but I know sooner I can really do that with no regrets. Last year when he went back to his place I thought to myself that I’m going to miss his company, his visit to the office among other things. Although we don’t see eye to eye in many things but I just can’t help the feeling that he ignites within me. I’m always happy whenever he’s around and I feel complete. Because of the different way we see things hence our story is like a rollercoaster ride so when he decides to go home I thought it be easier to let go. But oh boy was I mistaken because despite the distance I still miss him and long for his company. I guess is you love someone letting them go takes time and though it’s hard to really accept the fact but sooner or later you do can move on. Little by little I find the courage to accept that maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe we’re just two lonely people who meet each other one cold december evening 4 years ago. We find solace and comfort through the loneliest times in our lives. He was my strength when I’m feeling down, he was the source of my laughter when I feel so sad, he was the music that beats to the rhythm of my heart. He was so many things in my life and now he’s no longer there. I don’t blame him for giving up on me cause what we are to each other is also confusing we’re not lovers nor are we just friends cause the way we feel surpass mere friendship but we never get to cross the line and become lovers. Although we barely talk anymore but the last time we talk it felt strange sort of like we’re strangers again getting to know each other for the first. Losing him is hard but I accept the fact that it’s really time for us to move on and seek other people who can feel the gap that we fail to fill in it’s other shoes. Yes I do miss him once in awhile (common’ 4 years is such a long time to love someone) but I realize we can never be happy unless one let’s go and move on.

It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

Sometimes in life all you can do is surrender it all to the one force that is greater than you because if you go on doing what you’re doing you’ll only end up exhausting your energy, your effort and yourself. Not so long ago I like two people and indeed they have become a part of my life. They lift me up when I’m feeling blue, they inspire when I feel uninspired, they let me hope that possibly there could be a you and a me. You might wonder why do I like two people and not one isn’t love just the two of us and not the three of us. But strange as it may seem I confuse myself too coz I like them both. Of course I must admit that the other one I feel more deeply since we’ve already shared so many memories together. And our journey and meeting is full of ups and down that even myself can’t quite believe that we’ve come this far. The other one I meet because I want to forget the other one thinking that if I meet someone new and possibly connect then I’ll forget the first. But who am I kidding instead I’ve confused my feelings for both of them and the last guy I sort of connected because he was so expressive and so sweet with what he feels unlike the first guy. However, my feelings for guy 1 runs so deep because at my loneliest hour and saddest moment he was always there to cheer me up. Yet he confuses me because I can’t seem to understand what I am to him so that’s why guy 2 comes into the picture. But as they say the more you play with love the less likely you get something in return and that’s what happen to me. I mean I’ve not intentionally play with love I’m just a lonely person looking for the one who’ll be willing to stay with me forever yet by some strange twist of fate they’re both gone from my life. The first guy finally went home to his hometown for good which if I take the cue makes our situation more difficult and less likely our story to have an ending. The other one actually found another love and it was not me I can’t blame him because we meet at the wrong time when he was already committed to someone and then when things didn’t workout with them I was angry with him so I guess we just drift apart. Then I realize maybe it’s God way of telling me to let them go and really, really move on with my life because little by little in His own little way he takes them away from me. It’s not so painful as I’ve thought it would be maybe because I’ve been trying to distance and untangled myself from them for awhile. Of course I wouldn’t deny that a part of my ego was hurt especially guy 2 for choosing another girl besides me. Oh well maybe we are just not meant to be and with regards to guy 1 our story definitely has no ending still yet I guess it’s better if we won’t keep on holding but move on to where we are meant to be because it’s been so long we’ve been dancing the same rhythm, singing the same song, going around in circles which is so mind boggling creates confusing feelings. I guess it’s time to say goodbye to my past and say hello to my future. Although uncertain but I know somewhere, somehow the one who is intended for me will come my way and stay with me for keeps.

PS: By the way this month is the 3 year anniversary of my blog in where I decide to chronicle my journey into love. It’s been quite an adventure meet some interesting people, fall in love, break my heart yet still believing somewhere there’s always someone waiting for me it’s just a matter of time.

How time flies and half of the year is already gone but it seems to me life is just drifting, passing me by with the same dilemma over and over again. I don’t know why I’ve reached this point in my life where it’s so hard for me to say goodbye, move on and get on with my life. May was a trying month for me besides losing my job I also decided to let go of two people who’ve become an integral part of my life.

The first friend is so hard to let go because I’ve known him for almost 3 years and for all the things that I’ve done and sacrifice I can’t just imagine life without him. But we’ve been dancing to the same tunes for years now and the stepping seems to echo the same pattern over and over again. It seems were always running round and round in circles without a clear goal in mind. I can’t blame him or myself because we wanted two different things at very opposite directions so it’s hard to go from there when there’s no unity. I’ve wished many times for things to change that somehow, somewhere there could be an ending to our story but it’s so futile so I really do wished to move on and get on with my life without always thinking about him.

The other one I’ve meet last year but it was not until January that we’ve become closer and I thought there was something going on in there until I found out about his lies and his girl. I won’t deny I started to feel something for him maybe it’s because of the closeness we’ve had for months but being number two is not my cup of tea. I started to stay away from him last month and do my disappearing act but there are moments that I’ve missed him. And I was so confuse because I’m the type of person who only fall in love with one person and I do love someone but my feelings for him is quite mixed up. It’s his bday today but I didn’t greet him because sometimes I don’t understand myself why I’m angry and jealous at him. Maybe I’m starting to feel something or maybe there is just so much left unsaid.

And here I am thinking that I’ve already given them up last May and finally free myself of all the dramas and unwanted emotional uncertainty only to find out this month that both of them are still a part of my life. Both of them still wants me in their life and can quite accept perhaps if I’ll be gone completely. But I don’t want the uncertainty I’ve felt for them and sometimes I asked myself if I’m just deluding myself of the mixed signals and confusing emotions. Maybe because I’m lonely that’s why I’m so needy. I’m not usually like these I can walk away easily if I find a certain situation so inconvenient and if I’m not treated well by men.

Maybe sometimes the price we pay for growing up is having to make do with lonely feeling we felt when there’s no one around to comfort, care and love us. But at this point in my life I don’t want a love that is only half full and half empty I want a love that is full without restrictions, without prejudices and without other parties involve. Because if I love someone I love him with all of me and I accept him for whatever shortcomings and imperfections he might have.

There comes a point in your life when you question yourself  how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster.  Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

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At times like this I want to cry so bad because you’re the only one who can make me feel both happy and sad. Yeah its very confusing and so mind boggling to decipher why I always feel this way. My friends keep on telling me to let you go if you’re making me sad but stubborn as I am, I can’t quite accept the fact that if I do just that then forever you will be gone from my life. But how can I let go of the one person who can make me feel so happy for no reason at all. I guess its true what they say that love can make you blind because although at times you’re too insensitive to my feelings, never knowing that I’m hurting because sometimes you just ignore me. You seem too callous by the way you’re treating me as if I’m a person without feelings. Of course, I know I’ve had my fair share of regrets for the things I did or did not do before but can we just forget and move on to the future. I know what we have right now is quite confusing we’re neither lovers nor good friends but I know deep in our hearts there is a bond that other people can’t quite understand. I can’t quite let go of you yet and vice versa. I know you’re not as cold as you pretended to be because when at times I get angry and stay away from you, you’ll always find ways that I won’t stay mad at you for long. I guess it’s one of the reason why of all the people I’ve meet you’re company is what I’ve been longing for most of the times. All I wish is that someday may we find the courage to both talk whatever we are feeling for each other and to forgive each other of the hurt we cause. I love you before and I still love you now. And  I hope time will be kind and erase the sad moments in between and just bring back the happy days I always felt with you.

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Oh how I wish to tell you what I am feeling inside? Just to let you know that somehow you have a special place in my heart. Unfortunately something’s holding me back why I can’t say it to you directly. Maybe I fear the part that you’ll say to me “Hey let’s just be friends like we are now.” Maybe I am expecting something that if I ever do tell you how much you mean to me then perhaps you’ll say “I love you sunshine.”  There are only two scenarios that could happen if I ever feel the guts to tell you so but I guess I am just too chickens**t to say what I really feel. I am just too freaking contented of how things are. Or maybe I am just deluding myself that I am contented when deep inside I feel a certain sadness that in my dreams I see the two of us together for all times but in reality we are friends but not the way I would have imagine it to be. I guess for now I’ll just accept this thing since the guts always left me out in the cold and loneliest days of my life.

I’m not supposed to say bad words & do bad things & that sort of stuff but geeesh sometimes I forget & I say forgive me Lord please….Anyways I can’t sleep yet I need to wake up early tomorrow & gotta do lots of things…but damn you geezz why oh why I try so hard to finally not stalk your profile, think of you, listen to your music so that perhaps I might move on cause you’re my uncertain weakness….isn’t it quite obvious I’m blogging more these days so it means somethings bothering me, maybe its you, maybe its work but I know in time it’ll pass…but you know what I went again to your profile & the funny thing is that I see your latest uploaded songs by Leona Lewis…and what’s even more funnier is that I was really contemplating making a playlist all by Leona Lewis & you beat me to that…I read all the lyrics to the songs you’ve upload so whose regret are you feeling, are you still holding on to your past? Hmm oh well but what made me laugh is your last song “Better in time” ahhh so we got the same theme song ehh we wish to get better in time hahaha but how many songs we’ve had in common too many to even mention ….. your playlist is still in my mp4 I haven’t deleted either single one…but when I hear the songs I’m wallowing in my self pity & regret….how about you what are you feeling? what are you thinking? Are you still regretful about the past? Let’s move on & get better in time….

PS: done august 12, 2008 just after I’ve written I actually matter

I actually matter

Posted: August 13, 2008 in Choices, Journey, Letting Go
Tags: , , ,

Here I am again not planning to sleep early since I was having my two days PMS mood when actually I’m far from having my period. It’s been two months since I’ve had it cause the doc says its the side effect of all my medication. Anyway my mood says otherwise seems my day started gloomy I keep staring at the wall hoping the bad feelings I have would go away. It take half a day & half an afternoon for it to finally subside. I was ready to call it quits was really bother until a little incident amuse me. I mean in this modern world we’re living I didn’t expect to see male chivalry. I’m so used to doing things my own way I actually don’t need a guy to do things for me. It must have been due to many years without a father figure cause papa is always away with his work. So like my mama we tend to survive on our own & men really was just a small significant in our lives.

Mama always tells us not to fall too hard over heals or go crazy about a particular guy & I did just that but though I know sooner or later I”m gonna fall too over heels in love. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had my share of heartaches but not too many to even make a significant difference. But it was only last year that I’ve realize how important to have a significant person to stay by your side. It was not love maybe more on physical attraction & I know it won’t last but hey his tall, skinny, fair complexion (hmmm I always have that fetish for fair coloring not the moreno ones) & young (sssh its a secret I also have fetish for younger ones but not anymore) so after that I’ve met two other guys (not counting the blind dates) well literally speaking I’ve only met one guy of that two because that other one is kind of complicated hehehe

Before I go any further I’ll go back to what happen this afternoon, while I was going to the comfort room I’ve met my idol (as I’ve fondly call him & my friends know who he is) was really surprise when he held the door open wide for me to pass by so kinda shock but I know its not biggie deal. Actually the reason why I like looking at him cause he reminds me of the young person I met last year. Then the other incident happens with another officemate & I also notice him cause his bearing reminds me of the other guy I’ve met this year & he also open the door for me to pass by. It’s actually funny for me to think at this day & age…hehehe so at least it lightens my mood this afternoon…

But the most funny thing when I arrive home, as I check my friendster page of those who view me I saw him hmmm its been awhile since he view my profile & I wonder could he perhaps be curious with my life now. Ahh his been the reason why I’ve got this job in the first place & pass my board exam call it “na challenge” even change my smart number just to forget about him. Don’t know if its a deeper feeling or just some sort of admiration but all I know is that his a good guy. Hmm and now I’m wondering did he perhaps thought that I’m already in another country cause I keep telling him that before or was he shock about all my two piece pics(kapal moks ko talaga).

But I never did get to find what was my real feelings for him all I know my friends keep asking me before whose the lucky guy kc blooming daw & I keep telling them no one special. I guess I was happy at that time & even some of my friends told me if they where to choose they would choose him over MD…hmm & actually that’s my dilemma before cause MD was so like me in so many ways & our age so close. We like the same music, have the same twisted humour & just so out of this world ideas. I guess it was a time when we needed each other to fill out the boredom we’ve felt at that time. But I haven’t met him only see him on cam. He always told me one day we’ll meet but I’m tired of waiting for what??? But this other one I met him. He went to our house once while visiting some clients. Though I know his out of my reach, his too tall for me & maybe his intention was just purely friendship while I get this crazy notion I always draw inside my head if i get interested with a person. Then the bubble burst & the illusion died but hey why did you view my profile…did you miss me or are you just curious what happen to me….I’m not yet in Singapore maybe someday soon then perhaps Canada hahaha now I’m in my wishful mood again…in case you happen to read this ahh don’t know what you’ll think of this…but I do thank you for that short live friendship, the calls, the sms & even that meeting last february.

PS: Done august 12, 2008 almost close to midnight