Archive for the ‘Gratitude’ Category

I have this blog for quite sometime now in the hope that this will chronicle my journey towards finding the perfect love for me, the happy ever after and the one I just can’t live without. But is there such a thing as perfect love? Are we capable of giving love unconditionally or perhaps only our mind can perceive what our heart cannot give. It’s simple really we are humans bound by the norms and morale of society easily hurt and discourage thus influence how we receive and give love. It’s not intentional to limit one’s love because perhaps that’s the only amount he can give because giving too much is unbearable for him for fear of hurting, for fear of rejection among other things. Then there are those who give too much thinking that if they shower you with enough love perhaps they might get it in return and so much more but sometimes no matter how hard you give love, how selfless you are in giving yourself some people just don’t reciprocate the way you feel. I guess that’s love sometimes grand, sometimes euphoric but a bit complicated. It could have been simple and perfect but we love to live the rollercoaster ride of emotion when we love someone maybe that’s the spice of it or maybe we just like the idea or the drama of a less smooth ride of our journey through love.

As for myself it’s been so long I’ve try to find that person whom I can give all of me without pretention, without fear, without misgiving and just really be true to who I am. But I’ve failed many times, expect too much, fly so high only to find my wings broken, my heart bruised, my illusion shattered and back again to my reality that there is no such thing as a perfect love. That one can only find real meaning in love if one learns to accept the others shortcoming and failure. To value him for all that he is and accept that although he might not measure up to your expectation but love can bridge one’s imperfection

12-20-10 start at 11:23pm

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It’s the end of the month once again and here I am thinking how time flies. It seems so many things have change yet there’s still the one constant thing that remain the same my never ending journey of finding the right love for me. I know sometimes it’s so deceiving you thought you’ve find the one who will stay with you forevermore only to be disappointed later on. Next month will be the monthsary of the time I meet someone who’ve been a special part in my life. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years cause a lot of things happen between us but of course not the desire outcome I would have like. But yet I’m grateful to him for teaching my heart to love again, to hope, to dream and believe of a happy ever after. No we still don’t have our happy ever after nor could there be a chance because so many unspoken words left unsaid so many feelings left untackle and I guess we just have too much pride between us. I have accept the fact that maybe all we could ever be is good friends not great lover. I mean I can’t blame him because he did tried but I am just too freaking scared of what will happen afterwards. Too afraid to take a chance, to take that leap of faith that maybe possibly there could be an us. I was too contented to be just his friend and nothing more and now I’m still thinking of the could have been. But no used now because his gone and away from my life although he communicate once in awhile with me through sms but that’s all I’ve got just a forward message to know his still alive and breathing but can never be mine.

After awhile I tend to give up on things thinking that life seems to be dragging by and everything is just running around in circles. It seems pointless to me to go on wishing that somehow life brings me what I am looking for. Although I know deep within what it is but I’m always in denial of many things. So I go on pretending that I will be OK without you that life can still be beautiful just me in it. I always resisted the urge to communicate whenever the missing bug hit me. It’s just my silly pride talking again but then I realize after days and weeks that I was still not happy. It seems I am longing for something I can’t quite comprehend. My days are busy and filled with activities but when I go home at night the loneliness set in. Then, it hit me that no matter how I try to deny it, thoughts of you keep sipping in. I just can’t help it you’ve grown into me much deeper than I would have like. You creep inside this heart of mine trying to revive its dying beat. You put warmth to a once cold soul and bring a glow to my pale colorless world. But then life is not simple, life is like love full of complexities that try to unravel as you go along your journey. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter but enough balance to keep it beautifully blended. Just like us sometimes we have our moments and at times we want to just leave it all behind and move forward. I don’t know what’s enstore for us because we’ve been in this boat for quite awhile now but all I know is that being with you just makes me happy and I’m not denying anything now.

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Loving someone too much sometimes becomes too painful because you’re too overly passionate about your feelings. But at the same time the most euphoric state you could ever feel making you soar so high like an eagle.

I’ve never love so deep in my life before but with you it seems so easy to fall deeper into you each day. I don’t know how deep or how long my love will last but all I know that its too strong to be called infatuation. I have this feeling for so long and you’ve made me happy for a time just spending sometime with you.

I don’t know much about your feelings for me because you’ve never showed, although at times I think you seem to care but there are moments when I doubt. When my doubts came and insecurities sets in I feel hurt and so small because I love you so much. You’ll always be in my heart and I’m thankful for the time you make me feel so alive and my life is filled with love.

But I can’t go on loving you forever and waiting for the time you’ll show me the love that I’m searching for, so I’ll walk away feeling sad but at least I know that I’m capable of loving someone so deep and so true. I’ll be grateful to you for that because at last I’m not the emotionless, ice princess that people wish to think of me.

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It is hard to love someone in silent. It is hard to keep that love to yourself knowing that it wants to be set free, to be let go and to be share. But I have no choice but to keep this feeling to myself. You warned me not to love you because I might only hurt myself in the process. I guess you know deep inside that you cannot give away what you don’t feel in your heart. I don’t know which is painful keeping this love to myself or not getting the love I want from you. Either way it still hurt a bit knowing you love someone who treats you only as a friend. 

I thought what I feel for you was just gratitude for the time when loneliness seems to envelop me and you were there to lift my spirit up. But everytime I see you I know it’s more than gratitude and I know that you have a soft spot here in my heart. I know I feel a certain affection towards you but geeezzz it’s so hard to keep this feeling to myself. It’s so hard loving you in silence. It’s so hard to be just your friend.

But come to think of it I’ll rather love you like a mute and be your friend than tell you I love you and you’ll go away from me.

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After a long time waiting and now I see you face to face and I can’t believe that what my heart tells me is real. I don’t know what is it with you, I don’t know why I feel this so but all I know is that you make me feel alive. The simple things that you do without you even realizing it makes me go on with my life. I’m not too overly dramatic about it nor too sentimental I’m past that stage but your presence did make a great impact in my life. I thank you for so many things, I even thank you for the time in between the long wait with all the confusion and question because by then I’ll really know that what I feel for you is real. I don’t know where the road will lead us I don’t know about the future at all but one thing I do know is I love you with all my heart and I’m so grateful to God that our path did cross after so long waiting.

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Oh after months of wondering will I ever see you for real? After days of thinking and wishing that somehow I know what you feel for me. I was sad once when I found out you were dating someone else. I thought there was something going on for us only to find out otherwise but I didn’t cry over that cause I have meet someone at that time who is making me smile too. So the affection I felt for you somehow transfer to another guy who makes my days happy and just add a little bit color of my somewhat drab life. Then I start to question myself if somehow I did felt something for you and as the days went by our communication became less and less. I was not worried because I have found someone to keep me preoccupied thinking that maybe it was one of those things that comes and goes. I was thankful for the memories. I was thankful to have meet you even if we have not yet gotten the chance to met for real. Although you’re not really my type of guy but something in you makes me really like you and wish we could have something more before. So I let it go not having contacts with you cause perhaps it was not meant to be after all. The other guy was gone too leaving me in a bit of confusion but now a bit of trying to live for myself without you both in my life. But then again why would I call you both mine when literally speaking you are not really mine in the first place. It was just borrowed time we have to fill all the emptiness/loneliness of our lives. But then to suddenly receive a call that you are near my place and you want to see me. Oh it was so unexpected I haven’t really expected to hear from you again and now this call. The offer was too good to resist so we did see each other after so long contemplating. You were not all that I imagine you to be you are quite different than what I expected but in a good way. Meeting you is bittersweet. Bitter because you come at a time when I was confuse who really matter most in my heart and sweet because after a long time coming we really did get to met. I don’t know what this means either we could be friends for real or continue the one we thought we had before. Either way I am happy and at peace now with my life and meeting you was just an icing on the cake but honestly I’m really glad I’ve finally meet you at least it won’t leave me wondering. I don’t know what you think of me but I hope its a good impression. Till now I won’t expect much from you and I will just live life one day at a time and keeping my heart open for a new love to come my way.

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Carry me into your arms
and never let me go
When the world has turn
its back on me
When there seems to be no hope
Don’t ever let me go
for your arms strengthens me
in times I felt weak
and seems I can’t go on
but you were always there
never leaving me
Your arms shelters me
from the coldness and hate
giving me courage and peace
I could never ask for more
than those arms of yours
A love so true and real
that arms that stretch
on the cross so I can be save
from a lifetime of sin and deceit
Each day that pass
I’m grateful for your arms
that gave me a second chance
to live my life again
into your loving arms

written by moi 12-2-07 9:30pm

PS: I’ve been thinking, meditating, contemplating, wishing, hoping I can write something like this. It’s been a long time coming but finally a poem for my one savior Jesus Christ who loves me more than anyone could ever love me. This a new poem and a first for me to dedicate this one to God. Though this blog is about my journey into love but I realize I want to put this poem here cause without God’s guidance I wouldn’t really find the one I am looking for. Hope you like this one and put some comments. Thanks

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Here lies my thoughts, feelings, ideas, life, love and dreams in a nutshell.  This is my very first blog entry, the first time I discover this blogsite and hopefully you get to see many more of my works and ideas.  Everyday is a journey into the greatest mystery of the universe of unravelling slowly the things that we find most enjoyable in our lives and facing the things we don’t like much with courage and hope and faith that everytime we fall there is an up to look forward too.  My life not always the typically peachy sunny side up kind of thing but it has spices, salt and sugar as well to make it more tasty.  Yeah I’m bit far off from this world I guess cause its because I’m bit at my artsy mood and besides I love to eat.  What was it forest gump use to say “Life is like a box of chocolates you’ll never know what will come out”…anyway enjoy reading my blog and if you like it well you can always link me to your blogs or vice versa