Archive for the ‘Goodbye’ Category

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It’s been days I’m meaning to write something about you for reason that I just miss you so and I don’t know why. I mean I realize that I have let you go over a year ago because I respect your choice and she was your choice. I don’t wanna stand in the way of your happiness and besides I keep telling myself that you never mean something to me, you were just someone I passed time with and to divert my attention from the person who’ve been preoccupying my mind every waking day of my life. I told myself you were there when my life seems boring and I was there when you feel lonely and the gf is away. Everything was stolen moment, everything is not quite right yet we fill up the emptiness we both felt that time. You fill my empty days with your mere presence just a smile and a hi then I forget that I was lonely and longing for someone not you. I fill your empty days with my presence and keep you company till you fall asleep becoz your gf is busy at work. Everyday same routine, same habit till we got used to each other and the set up is quite ok no hassle, no expectation and I know at that time that I was not your priority I am just your option still you ask me that question time and time again to be your girlfriend and I said no. No because I don’t want to share you and No because I don’t want to be girlfriend number 2 if you want me to be yours then let it be me only. I am selfish like that I don’t want things to be complicated, I don’t want it to be a triangle I just want it to be just the two of us. Yet even if we don’t have a relationship with each other we continue doing what we are doing, video chatting, talking on the phone and getting to know each other bit by bit till we didn’t realize that days have turn to weeks and months to years. When you went home one time you said you wanna meet me if you can but then you fail though I’m a bit disappointed I understand because we’re not connected and I don’t have a hold on you and I don’t love you so why get hurt right.

When you came back to your place you talk to me again same old routine but I never get bored I was happy to spend time with you not realizing what I believe to be just a platonic relationship could mean something to me because by then I started missing you and looking to the time we’ll see each other online and talk. I’ve even asked myself how you find time to talk to me for hours and still talk to your girlfriend must be very good at managing your time. Don’t get me wrong I don’t wanna be the third wheel in your relationship hence the reason I didn’t want to be your gf. But saying goodbye to you and not talking to you for a longtime is a different story and I feel you felt that way too cause you always find a way to talk to me even at the wee hour of the morning. Then you said you’re going home again and hope we can meet this time around it would be your third time to come back home since we’ve known each other and twice you disappointed me so I don’t believe that we’ll ever meet this time around. I also have a strange feeling that this time around I could no longer hold on to you because somethings going to change and I was so right because just weeks after you arrived you ask her to be your wife and yeah I know you’ve made your choice and since I’m no longer even an option I must stay away for good our story would end here because I don’t want to be dangling around you anymore waiting for the time that we’ll see each other for real not just on webcam.

I did not cry because I tell myself I don’t love you I love someone else and I don’t cry for someone I don’t love maybe I’ll miss you cause we did have some memories together. I move on as I usually do telling myself I am fine that you’re married that I am happy because you’re happy and you deserved each other. I guess we’re not meant to be coz’ there was never an us to begin with. So for more than a year I stop thinking of finding someone, of dating someone, of falling in love cause I feel I’m contented with my life but not until I see you once again in a social site with your wife happy and smiling and I suddenly burst into tears more than a year too late. Because by then I realize that I was just deluding myself that you didn’t mean something to me that I love someone else not you and when you said one time I love you and I replied I love you too I was actually meaning it. I started to care but was to scared to hope, to believe that there could have been something because I know you’re committed to someone already and I don’t wanna intrude but I guess I was in denial and hypocrite with you and with my feelings. When you choose her I did not ask why her not me I did not fight for what I feel because I respect your decision and I always thought of myself maybe I’m just your option someone you pass time with. But the irony of it all was that I’ve known you first before you meet your wife, we were friends first before you even know her and you ask me to be your girlfriend and I said no because by that time you are in a complicated relationship and when it did not work you told me you were heartbroken but I did not listen to you. I did not believe you because I was angry at you for not seeing me when you come home the first time around and I keep my distance I was not there for you not realizing you really do need someone that time and thus the time you’ve meet your future wife. I could say I’ve regretted that time I’ve stayed away because things could have been different we could have workout differently and you wouldn’t have meet your wife but then again things didn’t happen that way and what we have will only remain in the pages of unrealized online dating. I do miss you honestly but I guess I can’t do that either so now I’m closing that chapter in my life thought I know I’ll go along with a little regret in my heart.

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Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

Love… so elusive yet so real… one longs for it, search for it, finds it, grasp it, embrace it, hold on to it but sometimes it goes away…. far far away from you and you wonder why. Left alone confuse, dazed, in limbo, searching for the empty remains of the could have been’s and what if’s. Yes there are moments in life when we strongly believe in happy ever after that we thought that the love we’ve found is there to stay but in reality love sometimes comes so swiftly that you thought it could just be an illusion, a dream, a fantasy conjure by a very hyperactive imagination.

Yet, love… once you’ve felt it there’s really no denying it. It’s as real as it can get no matter how short, no matter how fleeting because your heart won’t lie, it beats fast when it gets excited, like it has a life of its own especially when the feeling is so strong and you’re just so filled with ecstasy that you’re bursting and you want to shout to the world “I’m in love”. Ahhh yeah the joy of loving is really indescribable but when it’s gone be prepared to face up reality and the pain that goes with it.

No matter how much one wants to keep that love forever sometimes it just goes away and you cannot hold it in your hand nor can you go back in time and rekindle the fire that’s no longer there. Yes we all do experience falling in and out of love and in my part and most of the blogs entry here is dedicated to one person.

Of course there are also others who’ve come into my life before and after him but his impact in my life is one that I’ll always remember for the rest of my life. This is indeed my journey into love journal chronicling my confuse state and the quest to find that one true love you’ve been dreaming about as a child and if perhaps you still believe in fairy tales that knight in shinning armor the damsel in distress is waiting for.

But it’s been a long time I stop reading or believing in fairy tales and the happy ever after. And no I’m not cynic about love infact most of my friends tells me I’m so in love with the idea of love. Maybe I am or maybe I’m not who knows sometimes I confuse the two statement.

People say love comes when you least expect it and I was not really searching or looking for it that time but whallah one fateful day 5 years ago I meet someone that would forever change the way I view and react towards love. I am not a very emotional person nor do I show my feelings to anyone so at times people tend to see me as a cold person but what they didn’t know is that I’m just too passionate about a lot of things especially love but am just too damned scared to show my feelings to anyone.

Maybe I fear rejection or maybe I fear showing my weakness but everything change when I meet this person. He turn my life inside out and change me forever. We did have a long journey and our story is not the forever kind of thing because we didn’t find the link that could see us through to forever. I guess we are too similar in many ways and our pride gets in the way.

We are too afraid to show what we really feel, we keep hiding in this masquerade of make beliefs and lies pretending that we don’t value one another that much when deep inside we feel something more. I do not regret whatever that I’ve done or whatever shortcomings I have because I guess am not ready to take that leap of faith with you to believe in the ever after, to truly lose myself to someone and be really one in heart and soul.

I guess I still value my individuality and no I’m not the only one to blame cause you also have your shortcomings and faults but time has passed yet we’re still dancing the same rhythm and sometimes it gets tiresome, you wish for a new rhythm, a new dance to break the cycle.

And you pray hard to let go of that old song that you still keep on playing in your head and your feet can’t help but jive to the music. Oh how lovely the old song that’s been embedded into your heart, caressing your soul like no one can but then it gets broken and you could no longer play it so you must search for another one to play with and hopefully learn to dance again to the new rhythm.

You are my old song that keeps on playing in my head but like the changing season I must move on with time and learn a new song so that someday I can dance again to the rhythm of my heart and my soul will be finally free to love again and who knows this time around might be just different and I’ll have the best dance in my life.

It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

Sometimes in life all you can do is surrender it all to the one force that is greater than you because if you go on doing what you’re doing you’ll only end up exhausting your energy, your effort and yourself. Not so long ago I like two people and indeed they have become a part of my life. They lift me up when I’m feeling blue, they inspire when I feel uninspired, they let me hope that possibly there could be a you and a me. You might wonder why do I like two people and not one isn’t love just the two of us and not the three of us. But strange as it may seem I confuse myself too coz I like them both. Of course I must admit that the other one I feel more deeply since we’ve already shared so many memories together. And our journey and meeting is full of ups and down that even myself can’t quite believe that we’ve come this far. The other one I meet because I want to forget the other one thinking that if I meet someone new and possibly connect then I’ll forget the first. But who am I kidding instead I’ve confused my feelings for both of them and the last guy I sort of connected because he was so expressive and so sweet with what he feels unlike the first guy. However, my feelings for guy 1 runs so deep because at my loneliest hour and saddest moment he was always there to cheer me up. Yet he confuses me because I can’t seem to understand what I am to him so that’s why guy 2 comes into the picture. But as they say the more you play with love the less likely you get something in return and that’s what happen to me. I mean I’ve not intentionally play with love I’m just a lonely person looking for the one who’ll be willing to stay with me forever yet by some strange twist of fate they’re both gone from my life. The first guy finally went home to his hometown for good which if I take the cue makes our situation more difficult and less likely our story to have an ending. The other one actually found another love and it was not me I can’t blame him because we meet at the wrong time when he was already committed to someone and then when things didn’t workout with them I was angry with him so I guess we just drift apart. Then I realize maybe it’s God way of telling me to let them go and really, really move on with my life because little by little in His own little way he takes them away from me. It’s not so painful as I’ve thought it would be maybe because I’ve been trying to distance and untangled myself from them for awhile. Of course I wouldn’t deny that a part of my ego was hurt especially guy 2 for choosing another girl besides me. Oh well maybe we are just not meant to be and with regards to guy 1 our story definitely has no ending still yet I guess it’s better if we won’t keep on holding but move on to where we are meant to be because it’s been so long we’ve been dancing the same rhythm, singing the same song, going around in circles which is so mind boggling creates confusing feelings. I guess it’s time to say goodbye to my past and say hello to my future. Although uncertain but I know somewhere, somehow the one who is intended for me will come my way and stay with me for keeps.

PS: By the way this month is the 3 year anniversary of my blog in where I decide to chronicle my journey into love. It’s been quite an adventure meet some interesting people, fall in love, break my heart yet still believing somewhere there’s always someone waiting for me it’s just a matter of time.

How time flies and half of the year is already gone but it seems to me life is just drifting, passing me by with the same dilemma over and over again. I don’t know why I’ve reached this point in my life where it’s so hard for me to say goodbye, move on and get on with my life. May was a trying month for me besides losing my job I also decided to let go of two people who’ve become an integral part of my life.

The first friend is so hard to let go because I’ve known him for almost 3 years and for all the things that I’ve done and sacrifice I can’t just imagine life without him. But we’ve been dancing to the same tunes for years now and the stepping seems to echo the same pattern over and over again. It seems were always running round and round in circles without a clear goal in mind. I can’t blame him or myself because we wanted two different things at very opposite directions so it’s hard to go from there when there’s no unity. I’ve wished many times for things to change that somehow, somewhere there could be an ending to our story but it’s so futile so I really do wished to move on and get on with my life without always thinking about him.

The other one I’ve meet last year but it was not until January that we’ve become closer and I thought there was something going on in there until I found out about his lies and his girl. I won’t deny I started to feel something for him maybe it’s because of the closeness we’ve had for months but being number two is not my cup of tea. I started to stay away from him last month and do my disappearing act but there are moments that I’ve missed him. And I was so confuse because I’m the type of person who only fall in love with one person and I do love someone but my feelings for him is quite mixed up. It’s his bday today but I didn’t greet him because sometimes I don’t understand myself why I’m angry and jealous at him. Maybe I’m starting to feel something or maybe there is just so much left unsaid.

And here I am thinking that I’ve already given them up last May and finally free myself of all the dramas and unwanted emotional uncertainty only to find out this month that both of them are still a part of my life. Both of them still wants me in their life and can quite accept perhaps if I’ll be gone completely. But I don’t want the uncertainty I’ve felt for them and sometimes I asked myself if I’m just deluding myself of the mixed signals and confusing emotions. Maybe because I’m lonely that’s why I’m so needy. I’m not usually like these I can walk away easily if I find a certain situation so inconvenient and if I’m not treated well by men.

Maybe sometimes the price we pay for growing up is having to make do with lonely feeling we felt when there’s no one around to comfort, care and love us. But at this point in my life I don’t want a love that is only half full and half empty I want a love that is full without restrictions, without prejudices and without other parties involve. Because if I love someone I love him with all of me and I accept him for whatever shortcomings and imperfections he might have.

Summer has finally come to an end and here I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that this month would be full of exciting adventures and revelation but oh was I wrong. I’ve spend this month mostly wrapped up in my so-called life meaning more schoolwork and less fun and adventure.

I was also hiding from someone because as I’ve said in my previous post I don’t want to be just a second choice but I don’t know what happen things didn’t workout well with them but not thanks to me ok because I was not in the picture when things went sour. I was in hiding and hiatus for almost a month now. I didn’t regret my decision and I thought that I would really be hurt seeing them together but no there was no ache in my heart.

Maybe the reason I was so bother and sad couple of months ago when he finally admitted to me he has a girlfriend is that my EGO was hurt and bruised but I guess the feelings didn’t run deep. Although I won’t deny for a time I was taken with him and quite captivated that I’ve forgotten my other friend the one I keep writing about in this blog. The one who made me confuse about my feelings, the one who can make me feel both sad and happy at the same time, the one I keep thinking about most of the time and the one who’ve always been there at the sad moments in my life.

But then I realize I’ve waisted so much time and emotion with all these uncertain guys and yet they still leave me empty and searching for more. They can’t seem to fill up that emptiness and loneliness I sometimes feel. Or maybe I am just expecting too much from them and not accepting the things that they can give me.

Oh love you’re such a confusing sentiment at times that you leave me breathless and clueless but yet you’re still such a wonderful feeling that can create great excitement and stir up a positive emotion that warms you up from the tip of your toe up to the remotest part of your brain that tugs a special part of your heart.

There comes a point in your life when you question yourself  how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster.  Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

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Just thinking about it and writing this blog makes my heart aches oh but I must say this to you Goodbye for now my duckie but I miss you cause you just brought me so much joy when you came into my life. You are really one of a kind haven’t met a person like you who is a bit out of this world with your silly thoughts and ideas. My christmas was happy because of you just talking, talking nonsense out of this world foolish foolish talks. Oh we were like kids trapped in the adult world of living. We share something out of our lonely existence. You were there for me and I for you but I guess nothing is really constant in this world I guess we must change and move on and makes me so sad really I want to cry, I want to write you something special a poem perhaps but have never got around to it. No word can’t quite describe what I feel for you maybe in time the words to my poem will materialize but as of now I’m just so full of feelings I can’t quite comprehend. I did promise you before I will write something but it sad you won’t be able to read it. Oh geez why must it end why must there goodbye to you too, I like having you around too much, i like hearing your voice, your laughter and I miss seeing your smiley faces and I miss your teasing. I miss the songs oh its very hard cause everytime I turn on my mp4 most of your songs pop up making me remember and think of you. Will I ever get over this longing for you and just get on with my life. But it seems I’ve no inclination to find someone new not like before where its so easy to look for a replacement but I guess this time around you leave more part of you than I ever bargain for. Oh if we could only froze time and stay there forever to the fun times we have but I guess I must learn to live again my life without you and just thank you for coming into my life. No matter how brief for then I realize that there is someone who has bit the same temperament and can understand me just as I am. Goodbye, I hope someday is not too short and permit us to see each other again and who knows oh well its always free to dream so for now all I have to do is dream again 🙂