Archive for the ‘Freedom’ Category

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Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

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I have this blog for quite sometime now in the hope that this will chronicle my journey towards finding the perfect love for me, the happy ever after and the one I just can’t live without. But is there such a thing as perfect love? Are we capable of giving love unconditionally or perhaps only our mind can perceive what our heart cannot give. It’s simple really we are humans bound by the norms and morale of society easily hurt and discourage thus influence how we receive and give love. It’s not intentional to limit one’s love because perhaps that’s the only amount he can give because giving too much is unbearable for him for fear of hurting, for fear of rejection among other things. Then there are those who give too much thinking that if they shower you with enough love perhaps they might get it in return and so much more but sometimes no matter how hard you give love, how selfless you are in giving yourself some people just don’t reciprocate the way you feel. I guess that’s love sometimes grand, sometimes euphoric but a bit complicated. It could have been simple and perfect but we love to live the rollercoaster ride of emotion when we love someone maybe that’s the spice of it or maybe we just like the idea or the drama of a less smooth ride of our journey through love.

As for myself it’s been so long I’ve try to find that person whom I can give all of me without pretention, without fear, without misgiving and just really be true to who I am. But I’ve failed many times, expect too much, fly so high only to find my wings broken, my heart bruised, my illusion shattered and back again to my reality that there is no such thing as a perfect love. That one can only find real meaning in love if one learns to accept the others shortcoming and failure. To value him for all that he is and accept that although he might not measure up to your expectation but love can bridge one’s imperfection

12-20-10 start at 11:23pm

I can’t believe how time flies, it seems that over a year has passed since we meet. And oh what an eventful year  it was I’ve realize so many things, my feelings have its ups and down. I have my fair share of tears, pains and confusion with regards to what I feel for you. I won’t deny that I do feel something for you maybe this is what love is all about. Caring too much for the person, for his welfare and even accepting all of his shortcomings. But the sad part is I never did know what I am in your life. Am I just more than a friend? Am I a puzzle to solve? Am I a challenge or conquest? I guess I’m one insecure person when I’m with you. Because I don’t know where my place is and I’m expecting too much for something that you can’t quite give. But after awhile I learn to accept our situation, although I must admit the feelings I have is still here in my heart, but in order for one to grow one must learn to move on and pick up the pieces of one’s life. I’m not actually saying goodbye because I always like having you around even if not like the way I want it to be, but being friends is much better than life without you in it. I’m not also closing my doors that there could never be an US but I’m more realistic in facing life that possibly US might just mean friends and not forevermore. And who knows there is something more enstore for you and me. Whatever life brings I’ll always be grateful to God for giving me a chance to meet someone like you. Thank you for everything and for touching a part of my life.

There comes a point in your life when you question yourself  how far can you go on loving someone? How long can you wait until the object of your affection finally give you the love you want in your life? I know the past couple of months or maybe make it years I’ve been in this great confusion towards my feeling with a certain person. I’ve never felt this great tug in my heart before I mean I’ve fallen in love a couple of times but usually after it ends or they’re gone it won’t be long till I’m back on my feet again ready to face life alone. I don’t hold on to love nor I keep waiting for it since my head always says not too as I could find a better men in the horizon.

But this time around is a first and a strange new feeling for me. I mean if you’ve been following my blog for more than a year now you would know that most of the blogs I’ve written is about him. And what’s more funny is that everytime something goes wrong I would write about saying goodbye and not looking back. Then I would add up something like I’ll be fine without you I’ve done it before and I can do it again. However, after all those goodbye blogs and you came back and everything seems fine I always find the courage to welcome you back and forget all my goodbye dramas. I guess too happy to finally see you again or just talk to you and keep in touch.

But then again maybe love is like that no matter how hurt you are, no matter how many mistakes and goodbyes there is but when the person you love come back you’ll always have a smile in your face and arms open wide. You forget the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and just thankful of that moment to be reunited. I’ve been in this state for so many months that I get used to it but sometimes I wonder if this is normal or am just so crazily in love with you that I can forego many things. I used to be so level-headed and think with my head more than my heart but since you came I’ve been an emotional wreck feeling up and down with my mixed emotion for you.

I don’t want it to be that way I want consistency and stability but with you it feels like I’m always riding in a rollercoaster.  Sometimes so you euphoric I could fly so high and sometimes I feel like holding on for my dear life not understanding the ride but most of the time I feel the adrenalin rush. Because loving someone like you so just makes my life a bit more exciting and happy despite the fear in between. I still don’t know where we’re going or perhaps maybe we’ll just continue riding on the rollercoaster till we get tired of it. hmmm a puzzle yet to solve

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I’m sitting here thinking about you

My thoughts run wild at times

Longing to touch and hold you

To feel your heart beating with mine

To see our souls dance in rhythm

with the music of our hearts

But it is all just in my head

cause you are there and I’m here

Waiting for the time

When we’ll finally be one

My love, My life

written: September 20, 2006 12:40am

PS: I almost forgot this poem so glad I get to read this while surfing my poetry notes. This dedicated to my Tk who is now gone from my life too we’ll I hope he is doing fine.