Archive for the ‘faith’ Category

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Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

There comes a point in your life that you’ll realize the best thing to do is wait and trust that in the end what your heart’s desire will come to pass. I have not been in a writing mode for sometime but as I’ve realize there are still people who visited my blog and some stumbled upon it by accident and one way or another they stay and read some of my entry. Yes we are all guilty sometimes of yearning so much for love and affection for the opposite sex that some people forgot to cherish it as a gift not to be chased but must be welcome with open arms. And since we just can’t set back and wait for it we tend to move fast thinking when somebody good or even not so good comes along we’re off to never neverland and dreaming of a happy ever after and life as a bed of roses. But this illusion doesn’t last so long coz’ then reality sets in and we now try to find many faults with our partner. I wonder if we could ever accept a person for everything that he is flaws and all and not be too judgemental if suddenly the prince you think is too good for you turnout to be a frog. If we were given choices of course we’ll always choose the prince over the frog. However, when we love someone deeply we must be able to love first the frog before the prince only then can we love with our hearts not our sights. Indeed really loving someone is a very confusing emotion coz’ who knows it might just be a love for sight and not love by feelings. So many times we confused love with physical attraction and chemistry hence most people experience heartbreak and disillusionment. I myself is still struggling with separating these feelings of confusing love coz at times I tend to feel love with different people at the same time. I love him for this, I love him for that, OH how I wish he has this trait that the other one has then it would be perfect. See it’s hard even to love somebody with all your heart without comparing him to past love or other people one feels a bit of affection. Even at this point in my life when I’m past the stage of young love and I’m into adult love I still felt confused coz’ I did love somebody before more than the other men in my life yet there are things about him that I feel hypocritical yet my feelings run deep that I did many crazy things. I did not love him by sight but I love him with a deep feelings that reaches the very core of my being yet sometimes I fail to give all the love that I should have given knowing the depths of what I feel. I guess when all is said and done I’m just human also blinded by the quest of that elusive perfect love which come to think of it really doesn’t exist. (10-31-11 @ 11:30pm)

It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

There comes a point in your life when you just want to surrender it all to fate especially if despite all the longings and wishes of your heart yet it remains unanswered. When love seems so close but feels so far, when the person you long to be with seems so unreachable, then you find out your heart seems to be tired of everything and it feels bruised as if its been punched a thousand times. Yet the amazing thing about the heart is that it recuperate and does not stop beating. It continues on loving no matter how painful, how traumatic and hurt it feels sometimes, because the heart does not get discourage. It goes on hoping and loving endlessly believing that even if at times there seems to be no answer, people seem oblivious, too callous and cold yet something keeps on beating because it knows that somewhere, somehow there’s always someone willing to open its door on love. ¬†For love is forever it knows no boundaries, conquers all misgivings, tear down walls and heal all pains. Just like my heartbeat that never stops beating, in rhythm with the music of my heart always believing somewhere, somehow love will find its way to me and stay there for good.

After awhile I tend to give up on things thinking that life seems to be dragging by and everything is just running around in circles. It seems pointless to me to go on wishing that somehow life brings me what I am looking for. Although I know deep within what it is but I’m always in denial of many things. So I go on pretending that I will be OK without you that life can still be beautiful just me in it. I always resisted the urge to communicate whenever the missing bug hit me. It’s just my silly pride talking again but then I realize after days and weeks that I was still not happy. It seems I am longing for something I can’t quite comprehend. My days are busy and filled with activities but when I go home at night the loneliness set in. Then, it hit me that no matter how I try to deny it, thoughts of you keep sipping in. I just can’t help it you’ve grown into me much deeper than I would have like. You creep inside this heart of mine trying to revive its dying beat. You put warmth to a once cold soul and bring a glow to my pale colorless world. But then life is not simple, life is like love full of complexities that try to unravel as you go along your journey. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter but enough balance to keep it beautifully blended. Just like us sometimes we have our moments and at times we want to just leave it all behind and move forward. I don’t know what’s enstore for us because we’ve been in this boat for quite awhile now but all I know is that being with you just makes me happy and I’m not denying anything now.

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After a long time waiting and now I see you face to face and I can’t believe that what my heart tells me is real. I don’t know what is it with you, I don’t know why I feel this so but all I know is that you make me feel alive. The simple things that you do without you even realizing it makes me go on with my life. I’m not too overly dramatic about it nor too sentimental I’m past that stage but your presence did make a great impact in my life. I thank you for so many things, I even thank you for the time in between the long wait with all the confusion and question because by then I’ll really know that what I feel for you is real. I don’t know where the road will lead us I don’t know about the future at all but one thing I do know is I love you with all my heart and I’m so grateful to God that our path did cross after so long waiting.

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Oh after months of wondering will I ever see you for real? After days of thinking and wishing that somehow I know what you feel for me. I was sad once when I found out you were dating someone else. I thought there was something going on for us only to find out otherwise but I didn’t cry over that cause I have meet someone at that time who is making me smile too. So the affection I felt for you somehow transfer to another guy who makes my days happy and just add a little bit color of my somewhat drab life. Then I start to question myself if somehow I did felt something for you and as the days went by our communication became less and less. I was not worried because I have found someone to keep me preoccupied thinking that maybe it was one of those things that comes and goes. I was thankful for the memories. I was thankful to have meet you even if we have not yet gotten the chance to met for real. Although you’re not really my type of guy but something in you makes me really like you and wish we could have something more before. So I let it go not having contacts with you cause perhaps it was not meant to be after all. The other guy was gone too leaving me in a bit of confusion but now a bit of trying to live for myself without you both in my life. But then again why would I call you both mine when literally speaking you are not really mine in the first place. It was just borrowed time we have to fill all the emptiness/loneliness of our lives. But then to suddenly receive a call that you are near my place and you want to see me. Oh it was so unexpected I haven’t really expected to hear from you again and now this call. The offer was too good to resist so we did see each other after so long contemplating. You were not all that I imagine you to be you are quite different than what I expected but in a good way. Meeting you is bittersweet. Bitter because you come at a time when I was confuse who really matter most in my heart and sweet because after a long time coming we really did get to met. I don’t know what this means either we could be friends for real or continue the one we thought we had before. Either way I am happy and at peace now with my life and meeting you was just an icing on the cake but honestly I’m really glad I’ve finally meet you at least it won’t leave me wondering. I don’t know what you think of me but I hope its a good impression. Till now I won’t expect much from you and I will just live life one day at a time and keeping my heart open for a new love to come my way.

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Carry me into your arms
and never let me go
When the world has turn
its back on me
When there seems to be no hope
Don’t ever let me go
for your arms strengthens me
in times I felt weak
and seems I can’t go on
but you were always there
never leaving me
Your arms shelters me
from the coldness and hate
giving me courage and peace
I could never ask for more
than those arms of yours
A love so true and real
that arms that stretch
on the cross so I can be save
from a lifetime of sin and deceit
Each day that pass
I’m grateful for your arms
that gave me a second chance
to live my life again
into your loving arms

written by moi 12-2-07 9:30pm

PS: I’ve been thinking, meditating, contemplating, wishing, hoping I can write something like this. It’s been a long time coming but finally a poem for my one savior Jesus Christ who loves me more than anyone could ever love me. This a new poem and a first for me to dedicate this one to God. Though this blog is about my journey into love but I realize I want to put this poem here cause without God’s guidance I wouldn’t really find the one I am looking for. Hope you like this one and put some comments. Thanks