Archive for the ‘Dreaming’ Category

There are moments in life which are so unexpected that you can’t help it you want to pinch yourself if its real. In my search for that elusive love that’s always been flying away from grasp now I find myself confuse with the emotion. Not so long ago I was wallowing in self pity because I realize the people I care about either have girlfriends, married or been living in a different state. I reason it out ah maybe they are just not meant for me but I guess life is funny sometimes and just when I thought I’m fine with the idea of them gone from my life it shifts once again. Now it caught me off guard coz I was so ready to pack up and start my journey again.

Before I was only confuse with two person the one living abroad and the other I see once in awhile. They’re both good person but the other one’s situation is kinda complicated and maybe it was not love that we felt but just some sort of attraction. I know he’s happy where he is now but I just wish he didn’t bother me couple weeks ago and not continue being his sweet lovable self so I will not like him more. But I’m really letting him go this time and I’m making my resolve strong.

The other guy well I’ve know him since 2007 and our relationship is like the tide in the sea sometimes it has its high sometimes it has its low. I’m really thankful to him in so many ways and I have felt strongly for him than the others. However, it still break my heart that we didn’t see eye to eye although I know he did felt something for me it’s just that he can’t give me what I’m looking for. He did went away last year leaving me behind and we never talk afterwards except for the few forwarded messages he sent from time to time. But just last month we talk again after a year of silence and last week he send me a very nice message that I can’t help but be flatter. Then I wonder maybe we have so many unspoken feelings that need to be expressed but can’t find ways to go about it. But the sad thing is that for so long I’ve been trying to live life not thinking about him and not make him a part of my life and indeed I did just that. Although I can’t really say that cutting ties and forgetting him totally would make me so much better but I’ve learn to live my life without him and this unexpected twist of the story is such a surprise and I don’t know what to do with it.

But the most unexpected surprise I’ve got is when an old flame I haven’t seen for almost 4 years came back so unexpectedly. I mean I just thought of him at that time as a passing fancy the kind of person you meet in your journey then go on your separate ways. I have no aspiration or illusion that what we have would last but I just enjoyed the moment. It was like hello and goodbye, hence, we never did get a chance to know each other that well. But we’ve been communicating for months now and he told me we should finish what we started couple years back. I don’t know if I agree with him or not because I’m at a stage in my life where I’m looking for the real thing and lasting one not just someone who will come for a season and move on next season. But still part of me is curious what has he become after all these years. Has life been good to him or has he aged since the last time I saw him. I mean he’s just a boy when I meet him but now he’s a full grown man. And the funny thing about it is that he really knows how to handle me and talk to me like no one can. I mean I have meet my fair share of sweet talking guys but he’s different and I guess you can’t hide the fact that we did have a past. It seems as the days go by and I’ve get to know him a little better I’m starting to like him just a little more. I don’t know it its bad or good as I’ve been missing him a lot lately and keep thinking about him.

For someone not so young I feel like a teenager so expectant of a new love, so eager to fall in love and so innocent of the pitfalls of love. But I’m not young anymore I’ve had my fair share of broken promises, shattered illusions, aching heart, unfulfilled expectations and a soul that feel so deeply of these unquench emotions. But my heart is still hopeful that somehow, somewhere there is this someone who’ll open his arms and accept this gift of love from my soul to his and give me wings to fly, so euphoric of a love that finally found a home in each others haven. For now I’ll ride with the tide hoping it carry me home to the one person that’s meant for me and that love will continue to grow as each season changes.

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I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

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Oh how I wish to tell you what I am feeling inside? Just to let you know that somehow you have a special place in my heart. Unfortunately something’s holding me back why I can’t say it to you directly. Maybe I fear the part that you’ll say to me “Hey let’s just be friends like we are now.” Maybe I am expecting something that if I ever do tell you how much you mean to me then perhaps you’ll say “I love you sunshine.”  There are only two scenarios that could happen if I ever feel the guts to tell you so but I guess I am just too chickens**t to say what I really feel. I am just too freaking contented of how things are. Or maybe I am just deluding myself that I am contented when deep inside I feel a certain sadness that in my dreams I see the two of us together for all times but in reality we are friends but not the way I would have imagine it to be. I guess for now I’ll just accept this thing since the guts always left me out in the cold and loneliest days of my life.

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Our life is compose of a series of moments, not the bigger picture, not the drama, not the search for total bliss nor the happily ever after. Oftentimes we want to stay in a certain situation forever that we wish it to never end but as there is beginning so there must be an ending. Why can’t we stay in a particular situation forever, why must it have to move on and change because for me the beauty of life is not the bigger picture or happily after. The beauty lies in the moments. Sometimes we forget to savour the moment we rush so fast to things that needs to be done, to goals that needs to be achieve, to problems need to be fix and so on and so forth but we forget to just sit and relax and see and enjoy that moment for once its gone you can never really go back to it.

There are moments that I savor so much that I keep them close to my heart and I thank all those people who share those moments with me for without them it wouldn’t be as memorable. I have my moments of joy, moments of tears, moments of triump, moments of englighten, moments of great friendship, moments of love, moments of letting go, moments of surprise, moments of lost, moments of betrayal, moments of being special that I thank God everyday of my life for the moments that made my day beautifully bless. It might not be much to some, I might not be as successful nor as achiever as other people but I’m grateful for the friends I’ve met along the way who share special moments with me and for the men who share a bit of their lives I also thank you for that moment when you’ve also been a part of my life.

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Just thinking about it and writing this blog makes my heart aches oh but I must say this to you Goodbye for now my duckie but I miss you cause you just brought me so much joy when you came into my life. You are really one of a kind haven’t met a person like you who is a bit out of this world with your silly thoughts and ideas. My christmas was happy because of you just talking, talking nonsense out of this world foolish foolish talks. Oh we were like kids trapped in the adult world of living. We share something out of our lonely existence. You were there for me and I for you but I guess nothing is really constant in this world I guess we must change and move on and makes me so sad really I want to cry, I want to write you something special a poem perhaps but have never got around to it. No word can’t quite describe what I feel for you maybe in time the words to my poem will materialize but as of now I’m just so full of feelings I can’t quite comprehend. I did promise you before I will write something but it sad you won’t be able to read it. Oh geez why must it end why must there goodbye to you too, I like having you around too much, i like hearing your voice, your laughter and I miss seeing your smiley faces and I miss your teasing. I miss the songs oh its very hard cause everytime I turn on my mp4 most of your songs pop up making me remember and think of you. Will I ever get over this longing for you and just get on with my life. But it seems I’ve no inclination to find someone new not like before where its so easy to look for a replacement but I guess this time around you leave more part of you than I ever bargain for. Oh if we could only froze time and stay there forever to the fun times we have but I guess I must learn to live again my life without you and just thank you for coming into my life. No matter how brief for then I realize that there is someone who has bit the same temperament and can understand me just as I am. Goodbye, I hope someday is not too short and permit us to see each other again and who knows oh well its always free to dream so for now all I have to do is dream again 🙂