Archive for the ‘Complicated’ Category

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I was just walking by passing through the guitars and keyboards on sale when this beautiful melody tantalizes my senses. Oh I really feel so alive as if I’m suddenly an angel drifting through clouds of heavenly symphony. Along with that feeling flashbacks suddenly enter my reverie bringing me back to the time when I first know you. The feelings where so raw as if it was just yesterday once again when it suddenly hit me why of all the people that I’ve meet you’re the only one who made a big difference in my life.

It was late sunday evening of december ’07, the windows in our living room was open, the air was a bit windy and chilly outside but not eerie at all. It was just the right ambience — solitary comfort I so long in my chaotic life at time. My messenger was on and then a  message pop,

“Hello, how you’ve been doing my friend?”

“I’m just fine relaxing just got back from church.”

“Ahh so did you fix the problem with your computer, can I call you now?”

“My mic isn’t working still, but you can call if you like :-)”

And you call to make my evening more relaxing. It was one of those nights when you feel you are at peace and in harmony with the world. No problems to think about, no noisy people to disturb your solitude, no pollution to invade your senses just pure heavenly bliss. I was not contented to just hear your voice so I ask you to play something as a background to your one-sided call. You must have a sixth sense or something because of all the song to play on a night that fine you pick “Angels brought me here” which just compliments my mood perfectly. But thinking about it now brought a smile on my face because it’s quite funny you talking to me for an hour and me answering you through the keyboard coz’ my mic won’t work. It was the beginning of a new friendship and my rollercoaster feelings for you.

I thought you were just someone to pass time by when I’m bored with life and needed someone to talk to. But as time goes I’ve realize there was so much in you that I find so lovable. Our love for music was the one thing that keeps us bonded together, listening through songs of our youth as if we were silly teenagers back in high school laughing and just being crazy. You make me smile for no reason at all even in my gloomiest days just seeing your smiley face brightens me up. Your childish ways compliments me so well because by then I can just be plain me and not be trapped in the adult world of living. We are two people with peter pan syndrome finding silly things to laugh about with each other.

You were just a refreshing diversion from all those freaks and weirdos I’ve meet before. But besides the facade you show to the world I sense something within you I can emphathize. You are a lost, wounded soul still searching for your path here on earth. That search brings you closer to God gives you the faith to move on with whatever hard lesson life has dealt you before. You have your share of regrets and heartaches but it didn’t hinder you from moving forward. What really amazes me is how that faith of yours keep me strong at the weakest and darkest moment in my life. You were my burning light when it seems my candle won’t shimmer anymore. Somehow even when you are far from me your presence lingers and keep me holding on to the light.

The first time we promise we’ll see each other it didn’t push through then we lost touch. After a couple of months we communicated again, you say you’ll be visiting my place to have a vacation then it got cancelled again. When you attended a wedding of your friend here in my place you send me a message if I want to meet but I did not go cause I was too scared. I was so sick and thin at that time. Truth be told the vain part of me was scared you might not like what you see. I thought I will lost you for good at that time that I was wallowing in my regrets and self pity that at least I should have meet you for real. However, my plan to go outside the country push through and just before my flight you send me a message telling me that you might stay here for good. It was really unbelievable because it seems fate does not want us to meet.

I follow my dreams and I fly away thinking it was the right thing to do, to finally be living on my own and for myself not knowing I would be miserable in a couple of months. Despite that chaotic and confusing time you were always there to encourage me and strengthen me to pursue my dreams and my goals but I was weak. You were part of the reason why I came home because I realize that my dreams have change I was not after the gold that glitters. I just want to meet that person who have teach my heart to beat much faster than before, who teach me that by loving one must be forgiving, who teach me how to embrace life in all its totality and shortcoming, who teach me to love no matter what.

I thought it was all just an idea, a preconceived romantic notion I always have knowing my romantic nature but the first time I saw you oh geezzz I really do feel that tug in my heart which my sis fondly calls a “heartstrings” and no it was not gratitude that I felt. I really do felt something for you deeply than all of the men who’ve passed my life. I thank you that I’ve known you and become a part of my life and if people ask me why I fall in love with you? I’ll just say “I don’t know” because if you really love someone there’s no rhyme or reason, you just feel it deep within and feel a certain warmth all over which you can’t quite comprehend.

8-24-09 11pm

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Loving someone too much sometimes becomes too painful because you’re too overly passionate about your feelings. But at the same time the most euphoric state you could ever feel making you soar so high like an eagle.

I’ve never love so deep in my life before but with you it seems so easy to fall deeper into you each day. I don’t know how deep or how long my love will last but all I know that its too strong to be called infatuation. I have this feeling for so long and you’ve made me happy for a time just spending sometime with you.

I don’t know much about your feelings for me because you’ve never showed, although at times I think you seem to care but there are moments when I doubt. When my doubts came and insecurities sets in I feel hurt and so small because I love you so much. You’ll always be in my heart and I’m thankful for the time you make me feel so alive and my life is filled with love.

But I can’t go on loving you forever and waiting for the time you’ll show me the love that I’m searching for, so I’ll walk away feeling sad but at least I know that I’m capable of loving someone so deep and so true. I’ll be grateful to you for that because at last I’m not the emotionless, ice princess that people wish to think of me.

Life is empty without someone to love, but it’s more
sad to think if the one you love doesn’t feel as much
as you’re feeling. I’ve been in this state for months
now, I don’t really like this feeling. I try not to
think about it, my longings and my wishes that
somehow you’ll treat me as more than a friend. I’ve
been deluding myself that we could have more.
Everytime we see each other I wish to hug you, kiss
you and be always there for you and never let go. But
then you only see me as your friend, the one who’s
always there for you when you needed someone,
something or anything. You said I’m a lifesaver, an
angel and all sorts of gratitude but I guess I’m
selfish because I want more from you. I want you to
love me the way that I love you. But I guess
sometimes life is not like that cause I might like
one thing and you like anotherthing so we’re always

running at the opposite end. I don’t want to keep on feeling this way, to keep missing you at odd moments and to keep hoping for things that could have been. I just wish

to accept what we are and hopefully find a new love in the horizon.

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Life is empty without someone to love, but it’s more  sad to think if the one you love doesn’t feel as much as you’re feeling. I’ve been in this state for months  now, I don’t really like this feeling. I try not to think about it, my longings and my wishes that somehow you’ll treat me as more than a friend. I’ve been deluding myself that we could have more. Everytime we see each other I wish to hug you, kiss you and be always there for you and never let go. But then you only see me as your friend, the one who’s always there for you when you needed someone, something or anything. You said I’m a lifesaver, an angel and all sorts of gratitude but I guess I’m selfish because I want more from you. I want you to love me the way that I love you. But I guess sometimes life is not like that cause I might like one thing and you like another thing so we’re always running at the opposite end. I don’t want to keep on feeling this way, to keep missing you at odd moments and to keep hoping for things that could have been. I just wish to accept what we are and hopefully find a new love in the horizon.

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Oh how I wish to tell you what I am feeling inside? Just to let you know that somehow you have a special place in my heart. Unfortunately something’s holding me back why I can’t say it to you directly. Maybe I fear the part that you’ll say to me “Hey let’s just be friends like we are now.” Maybe I am expecting something that if I ever do tell you how much you mean to me then perhaps you’ll say “I love you sunshine.”  There are only two scenarios that could happen if I ever feel the guts to tell you so but I guess I am just too chickens**t to say what I really feel. I am just too freaking contented of how things are. Or maybe I am just deluding myself that I am contented when deep inside I feel a certain sadness that in my dreams I see the two of us together for all times but in reality we are friends but not the way I would have imagine it to be. I guess for now I’ll just accept this thing since the guts always left me out in the cold and loneliest days of my life.

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A new year has finally enter and it seems my life’s drama still going on and on. Well it’s not actually a drama but this feeling I have for you seems an endless cycle I can’t quite escape. But sometimes its too hard to make a really good choice as if I feel myself watching the hit series for “love or money” where you are to choose which you prefer the love or the money. It’s what a close friend once says to me that a beauty queen during a question and answer portion was asked if you were given a choice which would you choose crown or love  and she says the crown.

So my friend ask me what would you choose and I tell her at this moment in my life I would choose the crown because if you were to ask me a couple of months back or year ago I would definitely say love. That is just me I’m a romantic person always believing that love is far greater than any money or riches can be found in life. However if one get burn too many times one prefers to choose the crown or the money than continue on playing with fire all for the glory of love.

But in your case its really so hard to decide because I’ve waited too long for you, I’ve hold on to you when the pain I’ve felt was too strong, I’ve forgive you too many times when I thought you’ve left me hanging in there. Now that I’m at a point where my dreams are too precious to me it seems you’re calling me home to take a chance with you, to take a risk and to choose love once again. 

It’s really a confusing time for me when I’ve invested too much already to pursue a dream of being independent yet the allure of your arms waiting for me seems to keep me alive of a promise perhaps of a new love. Could I possibly be happy with just a crown or could I possibly have the best of both world by knowing how to do to the right balance. Well who knows God really is the only one who can answer my prayer but honestly speaking at this moment in time I’m really confuse which path to take.

I don’t know if I can trust you again I was hurt when you left me so suddenly. Many questions filled my mind only you could have the answer but then again where would I find you when you are so far from my reach. The funny thing about life is that just when I least expected it you came back. I don’t know if I would be happy that you’re back and embrace you with open arms or be hesitant that you might again hurt me this time around. I’ve been in this path before not with you but with the other guy. I was happy when he came back but it turn out it was a short lived happiness and now I’m confused what to do with you. Should I give you a chance and let you in my heart again or should I just shut the door and never let you in. It is so confusing but I’m happy to hear from you again. I hope I will find the courage to trust you and welcome you back into my arms.

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I think one can only find fulfillment or satisfaction after finding the right person to spend the rest of her/his life with. What is the purpose of gaining all the material possession money can buy when you have no one to share it and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Too bad though I haven’t found it yet so that finaly I can have some meaning and purpose on going on with my life. I didn’t say that I haven’t been in love its just most of them has just come so swiftly like the wind in my life, making it topsy-turvy and leaving me wondering if it’s really just bits and pieces of my imagination. I sometimes wonder why they have come at all and disturb my precious mind. Could they just leave me alone in my solitude. But no they have to awaken my heart, my soul and teach it to beat, to hope, to love when it doesn’t have any assurance at all that it’s forevermore. But I guess we all take chances, we risk, we love, we cry, we reminisce, we long to turn back the clock when in reality we all move on and start over and wish once more that maybe this time around you’ll find the guy who’ll stay and be with you forever like prince charming in cinderella.

 PS: I was scanning through my diaries and I’ve caught this one entry that I write last dec. 3 ’99 and the funny thing is although this blog is almost a decade old I’m still feeling the same dilemma I’ve faced before 🙂

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Oh after months of wondering will I ever see you for real? After days of thinking and wishing that somehow I know what you feel for me. I was sad once when I found out you were dating someone else. I thought there was something going on for us only to find out otherwise but I didn’t cry over that cause I have meet someone at that time who is making me smile too. So the affection I felt for you somehow transfer to another guy who makes my days happy and just add a little bit color of my somewhat drab life. Then I start to question myself if somehow I did felt something for you and as the days went by our communication became less and less. I was not worried because I have found someone to keep me preoccupied thinking that maybe it was one of those things that comes and goes. I was thankful for the memories. I was thankful to have meet you even if we have not yet gotten the chance to met for real. Although you’re not really my type of guy but something in you makes me really like you and wish we could have something more before. So I let it go not having contacts with you cause perhaps it was not meant to be after all. The other guy was gone too leaving me in a bit of confusion but now a bit of trying to live for myself without you both in my life. But then again why would I call you both mine when literally speaking you are not really mine in the first place. It was just borrowed time we have to fill all the emptiness/loneliness of our lives. But then to suddenly receive a call that you are near my place and you want to see me. Oh it was so unexpected I haven’t really expected to hear from you again and now this call. The offer was too good to resist so we did see each other after so long contemplating. You were not all that I imagine you to be you are quite different than what I expected but in a good way. Meeting you is bittersweet. Bitter because you come at a time when I was confuse who really matter most in my heart and sweet because after a long time coming we really did get to met. I don’t know what this means either we could be friends for real or continue the one we thought we had before. Either way I am happy and at peace now with my life and meeting you was just an icing on the cake but honestly I’m really glad I’ve finally meet you at least it won’t leave me wondering. I don’t know what you think of me but I hope its a good impression. Till now I won’t expect much from you and I will just live life one day at a time and keeping my heart open for a new love to come my way.

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My life is always been here and there and always drifting. Maybe its one of the reason why love still has not yet come to stay my way. It’s been years I’ve been wishing to finally found someone who will stay in my life for good but yes they come in my life only to leave again and take away pieces of my heart. It’s always hard to put a trust again to someone and having faith that this time around maybe he will come to stay and put back the pieces again to make it whole. Or could it be that I am so hesitant to give all of me for fear that this time around there will be no more left for me. Yeah I’ve found someone I think I have sort of relate, connect, bond and possibly a new love but there is always this part of me that hesitates to give him all of me and open up to him because I’ve been lied at, left behind and hanging in the open. Maybe in time I can give him all of me but I hope its not too late and he will come to stay my way.

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I don’t like the word goodbye sometimes don’t you just wish there is no word goodbye in the dictionary. But just like pain is inevitable so does Goodbye. We all must face a series of Goodbye in our lives whether we like it or not. Anyway I haven’t been here for awhile I just didn’t feel like writing since life seems just been drifting as usual but then suddenly somebody put sunshine to it. Don’t get me wrong I’m pass the stage of always being in the dark but sometimes when life’s get a bit of routine it just seems there is nothing to look forward too. And zoom he came, he made me smile for no reason at all and each day that I know him well I get a little bit excited to finally met him but sad to say fate has not yet been kind to let us met. I don’t know what it is but just simple things he did makes me really feel special. I don’t even know what he feels for me maybe I’m just a friend he can spend his time and pass time besides its not a real connection we’ve had. We never even meet but just lately I can feel he is suddenly withdrawing from me putting a distance I don’t quite understand. Did he guess that I might just feel something more for him and he don’t know how to deal with it or maybe he feel its better to stay away. I just don’t know and now he is going far from me and I don’t know what will happen after that but I wish he won’t say goodbye to me at all cause I just want him to stay with me in my life and maybe who knows go from there. But as of now I must just go on with my life and hoping and praying for the best. If he is not meant to stay in my life forever then I must accept it as another goodbye to deal with. I’ve done it before I guess I can do it again. Oh but why can’t there be no goodbye in our life??? What a dilemma but its a fact