Till there was you

It’s been days I’m meaning to write something about you for reason that I just miss you so and I don’t know why. I mean I realize that I have let you go over a year ago because I respect your choice and she was your choice. I don’t wanna stand in the way of your happiness and besides I keep telling myself that you never mean something to me, you were just someone I passed time with and to divert my attention from the person who’ve been preoccupying my mind every waking day of my life. I told myself you were there when my life seems boring and I was there when you feel lonely and the gf is away. Everything was stolen moment, everything is not quite right yet we fill up the emptiness we both felt that time. You fill my empty days with your mere presence just a smile and a hi then I forget that I was lonely and longing for someone not you. I fill your empty days with my presence and keep you company till you fall asleep becoz your gf is busy at work. Everyday same routine, same habit till we got used to each other and the set up is quite ok no hassle, no expectation and I know at that time that I was not your priority I am just your option still you ask me that question time and time again to be your girlfriend and I said no. No because I don’t want to share you and No because I don’t want to be girlfriend number 2 if you want me to be yours then let it be me only. I am selfish like that I don’t want things to be complicated, I don’t want it to be a triangle I just want it to be just the two of us. Yet even if we don’t have a relationship with each other we continue doing what we are doing, video chatting, talking on the phone and getting to know each other bit by bit till we didn’t realize that days have turn to weeks and months to years. When you went home one time you said you wanna meet me if you can but then you fail though I’m a bit disappointed I understand because we’re not connected and I don’t have a hold on you and I don’t love you so why get hurt right.

When you came back to your place you talk to me again same old routine but I never get bored I was happy to spend time with you not realizing what I believe to be just a platonic relationship could mean something to me because by then I started missing you and looking to the time we’ll see each other online and talk. I’ve even asked myself how you find time to talk to me for hours and still talk to your girlfriend must be very good at managing your time. Don’t get me wrong I don’t wanna be the third wheel in your relationship hence the reason I didn’t want to be your gf. But saying goodbye to you and not talking to you for a longtime is a different story and I feel you felt that way too cause you always find a way to talk to me even at the wee hour of the morning. Then you said you’re going home again and hope we can meet this time around it would be your third time to come back home since we’ve known each other and twice you disappointed me so I don’t believe that we’ll ever meet this time around. I also have a strange feeling that this time around I could no longer hold on to you because somethings going to change and I was so right because just weeks after you arrived you ask her to be your wife and yeah I know you’ve made your choice and since I’m no longer even an option I must stay away for good our story would end here because I don’t want to be dangling around you anymore waiting for the time that we’ll see each other for real not just on webcam.

I did not cry because I tell myself I don’t love you I love someone else and I don’t cry for someone I don’t love maybe I’ll miss you cause we did have some memories together. I move on as I usually do telling myself I am fine that you’re married that I am happy because you’re happy and you deserved each other. I guess we’re not meant to be coz’ there was never an us to begin with. So for more than a year I stop thinking of finding someone, of dating someone, of falling in love cause I feel I’m contented with my life but not until I see you once again in a social site with your wife happy and smiling and I suddenly burst into tears more than a year too late. Because by then I realize that I was just deluding myself that you didn’t mean something to me that I love someone else not you and when you said one time I love you and I replied I love you too I was actually meaning it. I started to care but was to scared to hope, to believe that there could have been something because I know you’re committed to someone already and I don’t wanna intrude but I guess I was in denial and hypocrite with you and with my feelings. When you choose her I did not ask why her not me I did not fight for what I feel because I respect your decision and I always thought of myself maybe I’m just your option someone you pass time with. But the irony of it all was that I’ve known you first before you meet your wife, we were friends first before you even know her and you ask me to be your girlfriend and I said no because by that time you are in a complicated relationship and when it did not work you told me you were heartbroken but I did not listen to you. I did not believe you because I was angry at you for not seeing me when you come home the first time around and I keep my distance I was not there for you not realizing you really do need someone that time and thus the time you’ve meet your future wife. I could say I’ve regretted that time I’ve stayed away because things could have been different we could have workout differently and you wouldn’t have meet your wife but then again things didn’t happen that way and what we have will only remain in the pages of unrealized online dating. I do miss you honestly but I guess I can’t do that either so now I’m closing that chapter in my life thought I know I’ll go along with a little regret in my heart.

Changing Time

The year is almost ending and looking back I could say it has its up and down but majority of what happen this year is ruled out by my emotion. Romantically speaking I could not say that this aspect of my life is so great as I’ve not meet many new people but just the same old romantic flame/interest. But come to think of it what surprise me the most this year is talking to someone I haven’t get in touch with since 2007. It was a short term affair and so unexpected. It was a fun thing but nothing major worth hanging on to until we talk again. Although part of me still want to see him again but another part tells me to let bygones be bygones. So I decided not to meet this time around but what I do realize is that he was such a fun person and really knows how to handle me. The other guy which I know since 2009 was the worst case of them all besides playing around his gf back he always tend to break his promises. I keep telling myself to just ignore him completely so I can get him off my system too but I guess sometimes I feel there is this sort of connection that we both can’t let go. But I’m not so into him as I used to be. The last guy, the one who hold my heart for the longest time, the one whom I’m having a hard time letting go but I know sooner I can really do that with no regrets. Last year when he went back to his place I thought to myself that I’m going to miss his company, his visit to the office among other things. Although we don’t see eye to eye in many things but I just can’t help the feeling that he ignites within me. I’m always happy whenever he’s around and I feel complete. Because of the different way we see things hence our story is like a rollercoaster ride so when he decides to go home I thought it be easier to let go. But oh boy was I mistaken because despite the distance I still miss him and long for his company. I guess is you love someone letting them go takes time and though it’s hard to really accept the fact but sooner or later you do can move on. Little by little I find the courage to accept that maybe we’re not meant to be. Maybe we’re just two lonely people who meet each other one cold december evening 4 years ago. We find solace and comfort through the loneliest times in our lives. He was my strength when I’m feeling down, he was the source of my laughter when I feel so sad, he was the music that beats to the rhythm of my heart. He was so many things in my life and now he’s no longer there. I don’t blame him for giving up on me cause what we are to each other is also confusing we’re not lovers nor are we just friends cause the way we feel surpass mere friendship but we never get to cross the line and become lovers. Although we barely talk anymore but the last time we talk it felt strange sort of like we’re strangers again getting to know each other for the first. Losing him is hard but I accept the fact that it’s really time for us to move on and seek other people who can feel the gap that we fail to fill in each other shoes. Yes I do miss him once in awhile (common’ 4 years is such a long time to love someone) but I realize we can never be happy unless one let go and move on.

Complicated Mess

I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

April Leaves

It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

Moment in Time

There are moments in life that surprise you that you can’t even imagine it’s possible. 3 and 1/2 years ago I met someone who turn my life upside down. It was one crazy ride but a very memorable one but a very brief encounter. It was just one of those times when you feel you can do almost anything because you feel so free. I won’t delude myself or romantized it and call it love cause it is not. Maybe it’s more of a physical attraction or chemistry where you meet a stranger and it seems you’ve known each other for a long time. It happen so fast that it seems surreal and sometimes I have to pinch myself just to remind me that you’re real and the situation is real and not just some conjure images from my vivid imagination. But what we have that day was so unforgetable and memorable to me no matter how short lived it was. You give me something nobody from my past has given me but then out of the blue it ended as fast as it comes. I’ve no regret about it coz’ I know it’s inevitable. But what I didn’t count on is that I’ll talk again with you after all these years. So many things have changed and I don’t know if you even remember me or am I just a passing fancy to you. But I enjoy that talk, me pretending to not know you and I don’t know on your part if you’re pretending too. It was fun and it made me realize the reason why things happen as it is. What I don’t get is why after all these years our path cross again. I’ve made peace with what happen nor do I have regret whatsoever. I’m just amused and wondering if perhaps there’s a reason behind why things happen or maybe I’ll just let bygones be bygones. But I enjoy talking to you so much I just don’t know if I could meet you again after all this time so I gotta say for now ciao mi sweet amore 🙂

Goodbye and new beginnings

Sometimes in life all you can do is surrender it all to the one force that is greater than you because if you go on doing what you’re doing you’ll only end up exhausting your energy, your effort and yourself. Not so long ago I like two people and indeed they have become a part of my life. They lift me up when I’m feeling blue, they inspire when I feel uninspired, they let me hope that possibly there could be a you and a me. You might wonder why do I like two people and not one isn’t love just the two of us and not the three of us. But strange as it may seem I confuse myself too coz I like them both. Of course I must admit that the other one I feel more deeply since we’ve already shared so many memories together. And our journey and meeting is full of ups and down that even myself can’t quite believe that we’ve come this far. The other one I meet because I want to forget the other one thinking that if I meet someone new and possibly connect then I’ll forget the first. But who am I kidding instead I’ve confused my feelings for both of them and the last guy I sort of connected because he was so expressive and so sweet with what he feels unlike the first guy. However, my feelings for guy 1 runs so deep because at my loneliest hour and saddest moment he was always there to cheer me up. Yet he confuses me because I can’t seem to understand what I am to him so that’s why guy 2 comes into the picture. But as they say the more you play with love the less likely you get something in return and that’s what happen to me. I mean I’ve not intentionally play with love I’m just a lonely person looking for the one who’ll be willing to stay with me forever yet by some strange twist of fate they’re both gone from my life. The first guy finally went home to his hometown for good which if I take the cue makes our situation more difficult and less likely our story to have an ending. The other one actually found another love and it was not me I can’t blame him because we meet at the wrong time when he was already committed to someone and then when things didn’t workout with them I was angry with him so I guess we just drift apart. Then I realize maybe it’s God way of telling me to let them go and really, really move on with my life because little by little in His own little way he takes them away from me. It’s not so painful as I’ve thought it would be maybe because I’ve been trying to distance and untangled myself from them for awhile. Of course I wouldn’t deny that a part of my ego was hurt especially guy 2 for choosing another girl besides me. Oh well maybe we are just not meant to be and with regards to guy 1 our story definitely has no ending still yet I guess it’s better if we won’t keep on holding but move on to where we are meant to be because it’s been so long we’ve been dancing the same rhythm, singing the same song, going around in circles which is so mind boggling creates confusing feelings. I guess it’s time to say goodbye to my past and say hello to my future. Although uncertain but I know somewhere, somehow the one who is intended for me will come my way and stay with me for keeps.

PS: By the way this month is the 3 year anniversary of my blog in where I decide to chronicle my journey into love. It’s been quite an adventure meet some interesting people, fall in love, break my heart yet still believing somewhere there’s always someone waiting for me it’s just a matter of time.

Summer Enlightenment

Summer has finally come to an end and here I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that this month would be full of exciting adventures and revelation but oh was I wrong. I’ve spend this month mostly wrapped up in my so-called life meaning more schoolwork and less fun and adventure.

I was also hiding from someone because as I’ve said in my previous post I don’t want to be just a second choice but I don’t know what happen things didn’t workout well with them but not thanks to me ok because I was not in the picture when things went sour. I was in hiding and hiatus for almost a month now. I didn’t regret my decision and I thought that I would really be hurt seeing them together but no there was no ache in my heart.

Maybe the reason I was so bother and sad couple of months ago when he finally admitted to me he has a girlfriend is that my EGO was hurt and bruised but I guess the feelings didn’t run deep. Although I won’t deny for a time I was taken with him and quite captivated that I’ve forgotten my other friend the one I keep writing about in this blog. The one who made me confuse about my feelings, the one who can make me feel both sad and happy at the same time, the one I keep thinking about most of the time and the one who’ve always been there at the sad moments in my life.

But then I realize I’ve waisted so much time and emotion with all these uncertain guys and yet they still leave me empty and searching for more. They can’t seem to fill up that emptiness and loneliness I sometimes feel. Or maybe I am just expecting too much from them and not accepting the things that they can give me.

Oh love you’re such a confusing sentiment at times that you leave me breathless and clueless but yet you’re still such a wonderful feeling that can create great excitement and stir up a positive emotion that warms you up from the tip of your toe up to the remotest part of your brain that tugs a special part of your heart.

May of Love

It’s the last day of the month once again and here I am writing another entry since I try to make it a point to write at least one entry for month just for updates about the going on with my life. I used to blog more before but when you get caught up in the mundaness of your life then sometimes it become a bit tiresome. But I love this blog and I love how people can empathize with what I feel with regards to my journey in love.

Yeah it’s still a never ending journey of discovery unravelling each day as it folds and manifest it’s real situation right before your eyes. I have been in confusion for many months now or lets just say more than a year with a particular friend. It’s been one constant struggle to finally accept and be contented with the things he can give and not expect for more. Because of that insecurities I’ve meet men who not only does not fill the void I’ve been searching for but also taught me a lesson never ever to look for a substitute when in fact they will never ever compare to the one who holds your heart but last January I meet a new friend. Well not really personally I’ve been chatting with him for more than 6 months but it was not until the beginning of this year that we’ve really talk and become close.

I sort of welcome it at first because it was the diversion I’m looking for so as not to think of the other guy. He do fills up the empty spaces in between my somewhat boring and monotonous routine everyday in the office. We talk for hours that I’ve even memorize his daily routine from the time he got off work to the time he’ll go to work. I didn’t expect to be connected and in touch with him because as I’ve said it’s a nice diversion. But what I didn’t count on was that I would really like him and be attached to him. I must admit he is such a sweet guy and fond of giving compliments which as a lady you really like to hear. I mean I’ve swear not to believe those sweet talking, smooth moves men who just like the chase and conquest but not really looking for the real thing.

But maybe because I was lonely at that time and seeking someone to fill the void thus I didn’t realize that each day I’ve become attached to you and I started dreaming dreams creating illusions in my hyper active brain because I thought you care too until I find out you have a girlfriend. You did not deny it or make excuses you admit it wholeheartedly to me but what shock me the most is you asking me to be the other woman in your life. Oh geez it’s quite tempting cause I know I’m attracted to you physically and I really find you a sweet guy but I’ve really no intention to be the other woman albeit his not your wife yet.

I know there could be a chance if I wish too but I don’t wish too because I prefer to love someone who can be committed to me. I mean it’s hard as it is loving a single person how much more two persons. I may either be too idealistic but that’s just what I am I’m a believer of this thing called Love. And in case you really truly love that person you put your whole heart and soul in loving that person and not hurting each other right. And what do you call it when you confess to be in a relationship with someone and still look for a diversion.

I do admit I’m taken with you and I’m quite disappointed that our promise to spend time with each other this May will just probably be a dream that can’t be realize because help me I won’t settle for the other side of the puzzle either I will complete the missing pieces of your heart and not share you with other ladies. But who am I to take you away from the person you profess you’re committed with because I do feel sad for the girl and for myself. Well whatever the future brings I just hope May is a month full of love maybe not you but with other people.

A year after :-)

I can’t believe how time flies, it seems that over a year has passed since we meet. And oh what an eventful year  it was I’ve realize so many things, my feelings have its ups and down. I have my fair share of tears, pains and confusion with regards to what I feel for you. I won’t deny that I do feel something for you maybe this is what love is all about. Caring too much for the person, for his welfare and even accepting all of his shortcomings. But the sad part is I never did know what I am in your life. Am I just more than a friend? Am I a puzzle to solve? Am I a challenge or conquest? I guess I’m one insecure person when I’m with you. Because I don’t know where my place is and I’m expecting too much for something that you can’t quite give. But after awhile I learn to accept our situation, although I must admit the feelings I have is still here in my heart, but in order for one to grow one must learn to move on and pick up the pieces of one’s life. I’m not actually saying goodbye because I always like having you around even if not like the way I want it to be, but being friends is much better than life without you in it. I’m not also closing my doors that there could never be an US but I’m more realistic in facing life that possibly US might just mean friends and not forevermore. And who knows there is something more enstore for you and me. Whatever life brings I’ll always be grateful to God for giving me a chance to meet someone like you. Thank you for everything and for touching a part of my life.

Mixed Emotions

At times like this I want to cry so bad because you’re the only one who can make me feel both happy and sad. Yeah its very confusing and so mind boggling to decipher why I always feel this way. My friends keep on telling me to let you go if you’re making me sad but stubborn as I am, I can’t quite accept the fact that if I do just that then forever you will be gone from my life. But how can I let go of the one person who can make me feel so happy for no reason at all. I guess its true what they say that love can make you blind because although at times you’re too insensitive to my feelings, never knowing that I’m hurting because sometimes you just ignore me. You seem too callous by the way you’re treating me as if I’m a person without feelings. Of course, I know I’ve had my fair share of regrets for the things I did or did not do before but can we just forget and move on to the future. I know what we have right now is quite confusing we’re neither lovers nor good friends but I know deep in our hearts there is a bond that other people can’t quite understand. I can’t quite let go of you yet and vice versa. I know you’re not as cold as you pretended to be because when at times I get angry and stay away from you, you’ll always find ways that I won’t stay mad at you for long. I guess it’s one of the reason why of all the people I’ve meet you’re company is what I’ve been longing for most of the times. All I wish is that someday may we find the courage to both talk whatever we are feeling for each other and to forgive each other of the hurt we cause. I love you before and I still love you now. And  I hope time will be kind and erase the sad moments in between and just bring back the happy days I always felt with you.