Archive for the ‘Choices’ Category

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It’s been days I’m meaning to write something about you for reason that I just miss you so and I don’t know why. I mean I realize that I have let you go over a year ago because I respect your choice and she was your choice. I don’t wanna stand in the way of your happiness and besides I keep telling myself that you never mean something to me, you were just someone I passed time with and to divert my attention from the person who’ve been preoccupying my mind every waking day of my life. I told myself you were there when my life seems boring and I was there when you feel lonely and the gf is away. Everything was stolen moment, everything is not quite right yet we fill up the emptiness we both felt that time. You fill my empty days with your mere presence just a smile and a hi then I forget that I was lonely and longing for someone not you. I fill your empty days with my presence and keep you company till you fall asleep becoz your gf is busy at work. Everyday same routine, same habit till we got used to each other and the set up is quite ok no hassle, no expectation and I know at that time that I was not your priority I am just your option still you ask me that question time and time again to be your girlfriend and I said no. No because I don’t want to share you and No because I don’t want to be girlfriend number 2 if you want me to be yours then let it be me only. I am selfish like that I don’t want things to be complicated, I don’t want it to be a triangle I just want it to be just the two of us. Yet even if we don’t have a relationship with each other we continue doing what we are doing, video chatting, talking on the phone and getting to know each other bit by bit till we didn’t realize that days have turn to weeks and months to years. When you went home one time you said you wanna meet me if you can but then you fail though I’m a bit disappointed I understand because we’re not connected and I don’t have a hold on you and I don’t love you so why get hurt right.

When you came back to your place you talk to me again same old routine but I never get bored I was happy to spend time with you not realizing what I believe to be just a platonic relationship could mean something to me because by then I started missing you and looking to the time we’ll see each other online and talk. I’ve even asked myself how you find time to talk to me for hours and still talk to your girlfriend must be very good at managing your time. Don’t get me wrong I don’t wanna be the third wheel in your relationship hence the reason I didn’t want to be your gf. But saying goodbye to you and not talking to you for a longtime is a different story and I feel you felt that way too cause you always find a way to talk to me even at the wee hour of the morning. Then you said you’re going home again and hope we can meet this time around it would be your third time to come back home since we’ve known each other and twice you disappointed me so I don’t believe that we’ll ever meet this time around. I also have a strange feeling that this time around I could no longer hold on to you because somethings going to change and I was so right because just weeks after you arrived you ask her to be your wife and yeah I know you’ve made your choice and since I’m no longer even an option I must stay away for good our story would end here because I don’t want to be dangling around you anymore waiting for the time that we’ll see each other for real not just on webcam.

I did not cry because I tell myself I don’t love you I love someone else and I don’t cry for someone I don’t love maybe I’ll miss you cause we did have some memories together. I move on as I usually do telling myself I am fine that you’re married that I am happy because you’re happy and you deserved each other. I guess we’re not meant to be coz’ there was never an us to begin with. So for more than a year I stop thinking of finding someone, of dating someone, of falling in love cause I feel I’m contented with my life but not until I see you once again in a social site with your wife happy and smiling and I suddenly burst into tears more than a year too late. Because by then I realize that I was just deluding myself that you didn’t mean something to me that I love someone else not you and when you said one time I love you and I replied I love you too I was actually meaning it. I started to care but was to scared to hope, to believe that there could have been something because I know you’re committed to someone already and I don’t wanna intrude but I guess I was in denial and hypocrite with you and with my feelings. When you choose her I did not ask why her not me I did not fight for what I feel because I respect your decision and I always thought of myself maybe I’m just your option someone you pass time with. But the irony of it all was that I’ve known you first before you meet your wife, we were friends first before you even know her and you ask me to be your girlfriend and I said no because by that time you are in a complicated relationship and when it did not work you told me you were heartbroken but I did not listen to you. I did not believe you because I was angry at you for not seeing me when you come home the first time around and I keep my distance I was not there for you not realizing you really do need someone that time and thus the time you’ve meet your future wife. I could say I’ve regretted that time I’ve stayed away because things could have been different we could have workout differently and you wouldn’t have meet your wife but then again things didn’t happen that way and what we have will only remain in the pages of unrealized online dating. I do miss you honestly but I guess I can’t do that either so now I’m closing that chapter in my life thought I know I’ll go along with a little regret in my heart.

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Remembering you, remembering me, remembering us but then again there was no us, just you and me walking through life in different direction until our path cross and everything has changed. It was a crazy roller coaster ride. It was a year I will never forget because truth be told meeting you was the best thing that ever happen to me, but then one can’t help the sad moments in between. The confusion, the longing, the misunderstanding and unmet expectation were just but a few of those not so good feelings I’ve felt that made me do some crazy stuff with myself. Of course there were those regrets that comes too late but then I didn’t blame you for anything that time because it was a choice I’ve made and I was too scared to take that leap of faith with you.Oh yes I did not believe in you and me, I don’t have enough faith to see where it would have lead us, but still for everything that happen I could never ever regret meeting you and loving you is just something I have to do with this cold heart of mine. Yeah I’m a cold hearted kind person never allowing myself to love that deeply but sometimes even if we feel we’re not capable of loving, somebody will definitely come that will sweep us off our feet not literally of course but I know it will just happen sooner or later.

It was good memories but I know we’ve move on with our lives cause it’s been years that we haven’t seen each other and on my part I’ve no more illusion of wanting forever with you because I have long accepted that fact and I’m fine with it. But I guess there are some memories that will forever stay with you no matter how long time passed no matter where you are in your life. Many things have happen to me since we last saw each other I meet few men some of them were good, some were bad but in the end it didn’t workout and it leave me empty handed.

I guess I was burnout with everything that happen that I choose to stay away from it all it’s not denying one self but it’s liberating one self that somehow despite how needy you might become with someone to the point of desperation you can actually give yourself some space, give your self some time to heal from the wound and be free from the past. Healing takes sometime and coming to terms with your past also takes time so people can’t blame me if I rather choose my own company right now than be in a some kind of relationship which I’m not ready to go into.

They say life would be happier when shared with a loved one your world could suddenly turn to a colorful hue and who am I to argue that but I also say happiness is a choice and a state of mind it’s not actually a feeling it’s a decision you make for yourself whether you want to be happy with or without a man in your life.

Anyway this post is quite long and a bit emotional I guess the rain always did this to me I always remember times that past and I remember people that matter and I sort of kinda miss them.

Love… so elusive yet so real… one longs for it, search for it, finds it, grasp it, embrace it, hold on to it but sometimes it goes away…. far far away from you and you wonder why. Left alone confuse, dazed, in limbo, searching for the empty remains of the could have been’s and what if’s. Yes there are moments in life when we strongly believe in happy ever after that we thought that the love we’ve found is there to stay but in reality love sometimes comes so swiftly that you thought it could just be an illusion, a dream, a fantasy conjure by a very hyperactive imagination.

Yet, love… once you’ve felt it there’s really no denying it. It’s as real as it can get no matter how short, no matter how fleeting because your heart won’t lie, it beats fast when it gets excited, like it has a life of its own especially when the feeling is so strong and you’re just so filled with ecstasy that you’re bursting and you want to shout to the world “I’m in love”. Ahhh yeah the joy of loving is really indescribable but when it’s gone be prepared to face up reality and the pain that goes with it.

No matter how much one wants to keep that love forever sometimes it just goes away and you cannot hold it in your hand nor can you go back in time and rekindle the fire that’s no longer there. Yes we all do experience falling in and out of love and in my part and most of the blogs entry here is dedicated to one person.

Of course there are also others who’ve come into my life before and after him but his impact in my life is one that I’ll always remember for the rest of my life. This is indeed my journey into love journal chronicling my confuse state and the quest to find that one true love you’ve been dreaming about as a child and if perhaps you still believe in fairy tales that knight in shinning armor the damsel in distress is waiting for.

But it’s been a long time I stop reading or believing in fairy tales and the happy ever after. And no I’m not cynic about love infact most of my friends tells me I’m so in love with the idea of love. Maybe I am or maybe I’m not who knows sometimes I confuse the two statement.

People say love comes when you least expect it and I was not really searching or looking for it that time but whallah one fateful day 5 years ago I meet someone that would forever change the way I view and react towards love. I am not a very emotional person nor do I show my feelings to anyone so at times people tend to see me as a cold person but what they didn’t know is that I’m just too passionate about a lot of things especially love but am just too damned scared to show my feelings to anyone.

Maybe I fear rejection or maybe I fear showing my weakness but everything change when I meet this person. He turn my life inside out and change me forever. We did have a long journey and our story is not the forever kind of thing because we didn’t find the link that could see us through to forever. I guess we are too similar in many ways and our pride gets in the way.

We are too afraid to show what we really feel, we keep hiding in this masquerade of make beliefs and lies pretending that we don’t value one another that much when deep inside we feel something more. I do not regret whatever that I’ve done or whatever shortcomings I have because I guess am not ready to take that leap of faith with you to believe in the ever after, to truly lose myself to someone and be really one in heart and soul.

I guess I still value my individuality and no I’m not the only one to blame cause you also have your shortcomings and faults but time has passed yet we’re still dancing the same rhythm and sometimes it gets tiresome, you wish for a new rhythm, a new dance to break the cycle.

And you pray hard to let go of that old song that you still keep on playing in your head and your feet can’t help but jive to the music. Oh how lovely the old song that’s been embedded into your heart, caressing your soul like no one can but then it gets broken and you could no longer play it so you must search for another one to play with and hopefully learn to dance again to the new rhythm.

You are my old song that keeps on playing in my head but like the changing season I must move on with time and learn a new song so that someday I can dance again to the rhythm of my heart and my soul will be finally free to love again and who knows this time around might be just different and I’ll have the best dance in my life.

There comes a point in your life that you’ll realize the best thing to do is wait and trust that in the end what your heart’s desire will come to pass. I have not been in a writing mode for sometime but as I’ve realize there are still people who visited my blog and some stumbled upon it by accident and one way or another they stay and read some of my entry. Yes we are all guilty sometimes of yearning so much for love and affection for the opposite sex that some people forgot to cherish it as a gift not to be chased but must be welcome with open arms. And since we just can’t set back and wait for it we tend to move fast thinking when somebody good or even not so good comes along we’re off to never neverland and dreaming of a happy ever after and life as a bed of roses. But this illusion doesn’t last so long coz’ then reality sets in and we now try to find many faults with our partner. I wonder if we could ever accept a person for everything that he is flaws and all and not be too judgemental if suddenly the prince you think is too good for you turnout to be a frog. If we were given choices of course we’ll always choose the prince over the frog. However, when we love someone deeply we must be able to love first the frog before the prince only then can we love with our hearts not our sights. Indeed really loving someone is a very confusing emotion coz’ who knows it might just be a love for sight and not love by feelings. So many times we confused love with physical attraction and chemistry hence most people experience heartbreak and disillusionment. I myself is still struggling with separating these feelings of confusing love coz at times I tend to feel love with different people at the same time. I love him for this, I love him for that, OH how I wish he has this trait that the other one has then it would be perfect. See it’s hard even to love somebody with all your heart without comparing him to past love or other people one feels a bit of affection. Even at this point in my life when I’m past the stage of young love and I’m into adult love I still felt confused coz’ I did love somebody before more than the other men in my life yet there are things about him that I feel hypocritical yet my feelings run deep that I did many crazy things. I did not love him by sight but I love him with a deep feelings that reaches the very core of my being yet sometimes I fail to give all the love that I should have given knowing the depths of what I feel. I guess when all is said and done I’m just human also blinded by the quest of that elusive perfect love which come to think of it really doesn’t exist. (10-31-11 @ 11:30pm)

It’s lunch time and I’m sitting here at a car shop in a place I’ve been longing to visit for a chance to get a taste of where he lives. But of course our story is long over, its been a year since we last see each other and I have no plans of calling him so we could meet up again. I think the past is better left where it belongs. I have said goodbye to him so many times here in my blog and our story is one rollercoaster ride sometimes it feel so good and at times I feel so sad knowing him so close but feeling him so far. Just like today when I’m here sitting, contemplating, knowing he’s just a phone call away (since the shop is located near where he lives) but call me whatever you want as I’m not gonna dial his number so I can see him today. I’ll just live it all to fate if by chance we ever see each other one day it will not be through my own initiative. He have gone in and out of my life since the first time we met I can live without him in my life now… I won’t denied the fact that I do care deeply and there was a point in my life when all I could think about, dream about, hope for and wish for is him. But I’m past that point and I’ve learn to accept things and be fine with it. I’ve made my peace with everything that happen and now coming here, having a chance to see his hometown is like coming full circle and perhaps this time around I can finally let go, move on and possibly meet the one who is really meant for me and no I’m not dreaming just hopeful that finally this person is just around the corner and I’ll soon meet him….

There are moments in life which are so unexpected that you can’t help it you want to pinch yourself if its real. In my search for that elusive love that’s always been flying away from grasp now I find myself confuse with the emotion. Not so long ago I was wallowing in self pity because I realize the people I care about either have girlfriends, married or been living in a different state. I reason it out ah maybe they are just not meant for me but I guess life is funny sometimes and just when I thought I’m fine with the idea of them gone from my life it shifts once again. Now it caught me off guard coz I was so ready to pack up and start my journey again.

Before I was only confuse with two person the one living abroad and the other I see once in awhile. They’re both good person but the other one’s situation is kinda complicated and maybe it was not love that we felt but just some sort of attraction. I know he’s happy where he is now but I just wish he didn’t bother me couple weeks ago and not continue being his sweet lovable self so I will not like him more. But I’m really letting him go this time and I’m making my resolve strong.

The other guy well I’ve know him since 2007 and our relationship is like the tide in the sea sometimes it has its high sometimes it has its low. I’m really thankful to him in so many ways and I have felt strongly for him than the others. However, it still break my heart that we didn’t see eye to eye although I know he did felt something for me it’s just that he can’t give me what I’m looking for. He did went away last year leaving me behind and we never talk afterwards except for the few forwarded messages he sent from time to time. But just last month we talk again after a year of silence and last week he send me a very nice message that I can’t help but be flatter. Then I wonder maybe we have so many unspoken feelings that need to be expressed but can’t find ways to go about it. But the sad thing is that for so long I’ve been trying to live life not thinking about him and not make him a part of my life and indeed I did just that. Although I can’t really say that cutting ties and forgetting him totally would make me so much better but I’ve learn to live my life without him and this unexpected twist of the story is such a surprise and I don’t know what to do with it.

But the most unexpected surprise I’ve got is when an old flame I haven’t seen for almost 4 years came back so unexpectedly. I mean I just thought of him at that time as a passing fancy the kind of person you meet in your journey then go on your separate ways. I have no aspiration or illusion that what we have would last but I just enjoyed the moment. It was like hello and goodbye, hence, we never did get a chance to know each other that well. But we’ve been communicating for months now and he told me we should finish what we started couple years back. I don’t know if I agree with him or not because I’m at a stage in my life where I’m looking for the real thing and lasting one not just someone who will come for a season and move on next season. But still part of me is curious what has he become after all these years. Has life been good to him or has he aged since the last time I saw him. I mean he’s just a boy when I meet him but now he’s a full grown man. And the funny thing about it is that he really knows how to handle me and talk to me like no one can. I mean I have meet my fair share of sweet talking guys but he’s different and I guess you can’t hide the fact that we did have a past. It seems as the days go by and I’ve get to know him a little better I’m starting to like him just a little more. I don’t know it its bad or good as I’ve been missing him a lot lately and keep thinking about him.

For someone not so young I feel like a teenager so expectant of a new love, so eager to fall in love and so innocent of the pitfalls of love. But I’m not young anymore I’ve had my fair share of broken promises, shattered illusions, aching heart, unfulfilled expectations and a soul that feel so deeply of these unquench emotions. But my heart is still hopeful that somehow, somewhere there is this someone who’ll open his arms and accept this gift of love from my soul to his and give me wings to fly, so euphoric of a love that finally found a home in each others haven. For now I’ll ride with the tide hoping it carry me home to the one person that’s meant for me and that love will continue to grow as each season changes.

I wish you were mine and I’m yours but eversince I meet you life’s kinda complicated. I meet you for the wrong reason because I really needed a diversion at that time from my preoccupation with a certain person. At first you were just a game to fill up the empty spaces in my life but you were a sweet person that I can’t help myself but start to like you till I find out the truth that you have a lady in your life. So I took a backstage away from you coz I don’t want to complicate things and yet it didn’t workout with you and her. We started to talk again you said you were broken hearted I laugh at that thinking of it as a joke not realizing you were telling the truth. You told me next time you come home we’ll meet and I told you I don’t know I might not be here the next time around. After that time we barely communicated and I’ve realize you meet another special lady in your life. I was not jealous of her coz I thought to myself that maybe you deserve someone like her in your life, who will understand your needs and give you the love and care you needed. Because if we were meant to have a relationship then it would have happen after the break up of the first lady. But what bugs me sometimes is the fact that you talk with me after all these time and makes plan with me when you know for a fact you’re already comitted to someone else. And though I know what I am in your life I still feel a bit excited when we talk. Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning to be an odd ball, the third wheel or the one that creates chaos in a somewhat happy relationship. I know my place and I’m happy for you and your girl but please stop disturbing my peace of mind and this solidarity I have within me. Yes I admit I like you but you’re one complication I’m not willing to take in my life.

It’s the first week of May and it seems time is flying so fast I can barely cope up. I have not written a single blog for April hence the title. I always promise myself to write at least one entry every month to chronicle my journey and also to update my blog follower and visitors. Anyway April was quite an eventful month for me as two people from my past came back not really for good but just these two people I’ve communicated with last month.

The first one I’ve write about in the previous blog which I haven’t heard or talk for more than 3 1/2 years and it came as a shock since never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that we’ll talk again and I thought as you might read in the previous entry that he forgotten me and much to my surprise he did remember me as if it was yesterday. I mean I don’t know if I would be glad that I matter enough for him to remember everything or be alarmed because now he wants to get together again and finish what we started. It’s a tempting offer but I don’t know if I could see him again because I know deep within me that this could lead to nowhere but just an endless circle. Or maybe my fear is too strong to warn me of things nonexistent cause who knows if I might meet him again this could lead somewhere and we might discover somethings we haven’t find/felt before. Again this is a tricky situation where there is no middle ground either it’s yes or no and it always depends on me if I’m willing to play the game again, to dance to the music of love, to surrender myself and forget everything just to be with him. To rekindle that flame, that sparks and magical thing we used to have. It’s not really love but more a purely physical attraction thingy. I can risk and not expect too much who knows but for now I’ll just go with the flow.

The other one is someone a bit special to me, I mean we did share special times together but haven’t really meet for real and I blame him for that because he did have his chance but I guess he choose the other one. I was not angry at that time when he came home and didn’t meet me cause I reason out maybe because he meet the other one earlier and they have a relationship and I’m just the other party but sad to say it didn’t workout between them and during that time I was already angry with him and my ego was bruised so we didn’t talk for awhile. Then I’ve realized and been asking myself that if I wasn’t angry with him would I have been his girlfriend now and we would meet this time around but I don’t know coz’ he love someone else now and I’m letting him go. But what bothers me is that after all these time that past, him having another girlfriend and me still the other party I can feel there is something unfinish between us cause we still talk and the funny thing is that he told me he’ll be coming home again and he wants to meet me. Of course I don’t want to expect more from him cause then again he just might disappoint me like the first time around. Yet there is this little spark of hope in me contemplating the possibilities what if we did meet for real what would we both feel will it finally answer our question and could we finally let go of each other. I think he’s pretty serious with his gf now that’s why I stay away cause honestly speaking I never want to be the third party in a relationship hence the reason I always says no whenever he ask me to be his gf since I know I’m not the only girl for him. But I don’t know why after all this time it seems we feel there is this unfinish business, a chemistry that seems to pull us together despite the fact that we want to be apart. But I’m really staying away God help my resolve but if fate really brought us together and let us meet then I’ll decide from there. As of now I’m keeping my feet and head on ground level so as to avoid complicated situations cause I know somewhere the right man will come along and stay with me for good.

There are moments in life that surprise you that you can’t even imagine it’s possible. 3 and 1/2 years ago I met someone who turn my life upside down. It was one crazy ride but a very memorable one but a very brief encounter. It was just one of those times when you feel you can do almost anything because you feel so free. I won’t delude myself or romantized it and call it love cause it is not. Maybe it’s more of a physical attraction or chemistry where you meet a stranger and it seems you’ve known each other for a long time. It happen so fast that it seems surreal and sometimes I have to pinch myself just to remind me that you’re real and the situation is real and not just some conjure images from my vivid imagination. But what we have that day was so unforgetable and memorable to me no matter how short lived it was. You give me something nobody from my past has given me but then out of the blue it ended as fast as it comes. I’ve no regret about it coz’ I know it’s inevitable. But what I didn’t count on is that I’ll talk again with you after all these years. So many things have changed and I don’t know if you even remember me or am I just a passing fancy to you. But I enjoy that talk, me pretending to not know you and I don’t know on your part if you’re pretending too. It was fun and it made me realize the reason why things happen as it is. What I don’t get is why after all these years our path cross again. I’ve made peace with what happen nor do I have regret whatsoever. I’m just amused and wondering if perhaps there’s a reason behind why things happen or maybe I’ll just let bygones be bygones. But I enjoy talking to you so much I just don’t know if I could meet you again after all this time so I gotta say for now ciao mi sweet amore 🙂

It’s the end of the month once again and here I am thinking how time flies. It seems so many things have change yet there’s still the one constant thing that remain the same my never ending journey of finding the right love for me. I know sometimes it’s so deceiving you thought you’ve find the one who will stay with you forevermore only to be disappointed later on. Next month will be the monthsary of the time I meet someone who’ve been a special part in my life. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years cause a lot of things happen between us but of course not the desire outcome I would have like. But yet I’m grateful to him for teaching my heart to love again, to hope, to dream and believe of a happy ever after. No we still don’t have our happy ever after nor could there be a chance because so many unspoken words left unsaid so many feelings left untackle and I guess we just have too much pride between us. I have accept the fact that maybe all we could ever be is good friends not great lover. I mean I can’t blame him because he did tried but I am just too freaking scared of what will happen afterwards. Too afraid to take a chance, to take that leap of faith that maybe possibly there could be an us. I was too contented to be just his friend and nothing more and now I’m still thinking of the could have been. But no used now because his gone and away from my life although he communicate once in awhile with me through sms but that’s all I’ve got just a forward message to know his still alive and breathing but can never be mine.