After awhile I tend to give up on things thinking that life seems to be dragging by and everything is just running around in circles. It seems pointless to me to go on wishing that somehow life brings me what I am looking for. Although I know deep within what it is but I’m always in denial of many things. So I go on pretending that I will be OK without you that life can still be beautiful just me in it. I always resisted the urge to communicate whenever the missing bug hit me. It’s just my silly pride talking again but then I realize after days and weeks that I was still not happy. It seems I am longing for something I can’t quite comprehend. My days are busy and filled with activities but when I go home at night the loneliness set in. Then, it hit me that no matter how I try to deny it, thoughts of you keep sipping in. I just can’t help it you’ve grown into me much deeper than I would have like. You creep inside this heart of mine trying to revive its dying beat. You put warmth to a once cold soul and bring a glow to my pale colorless world. But then life is not simple, life is like love full of complexities that try to unravel as you go along your journey. Sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter but enough balance to keep it beautifully blended. Just like us sometimes we have our moments and at times we want to just leave it all behind and move forward. I don’t know what’s enstore for us because we’ve been in this boat for quite awhile now but all I know is that being with you just makes me happy and I’m not denying anything now.

I want to close my eyes & feel the rain touching my skin with your arms wrap around me.

I want to hold you close and feel the warmth of your touch.

I want to feel your lips kissing me in the pouring rain.

I want to hear the beating of your heart as if in eager anticipation.

I want to soar high in heaven with you till we find our own ecstasy.

I want to hear my soul find its rhythm that match the melody of your heart.

I want to see your eyes glitter in pure bliss and contentment.

I want to see you smile so freely without a tinge of sadness.

I want to fit my hands in yours knowing it rightly belongs there.

I want to say I love you from the bottom of my heart.

I want to hear you say I love you as if nothing else matters but that moment in time.

I want to spend my life forever with you, sharing and living our dreams.

I want to journey the world together discovering new oceans and horizons.

I want to do so many things but a lifetime is not enough.

I want to let you know that no one else makes me happy like the way you do.

At times like this I want to cry so bad because you’re the only one who can make me feel both happy and sad. Yeah its very confusing and so mind boggling to decipher why I always feel this way. My friends keep on telling me to let you go if you’re making me sad but stubborn as I am, I can’t quite accept the fact that if I do just that then forever you will be gone from my life. But how can I let go of the one person who can make me feel so happy for no reason at all. I guess its true what they say that love can make you blind because although at times you’re too insensitive to my feelings, never knowing that I’m hurting because sometimes you just ignore me. You seem too callous by the way you’re treating me as if I’m a person without feelings. Of course, I know I’ve had my fair share of regrets for the things I did or did not do before but can we just forget and move on to the future. I know what we have right now is quite confusing we’re neither lovers nor good friends but I know deep in our hearts there is a bond that other people can’t quite understand. I can’t quite let go of you yet and vice versa. I know you’re not as cold as you pretended to be because when at times I get angry and stay away from you, you’ll always find ways that I won’t stay mad at you for long. I guess it’s one of the reason why of all the people I’ve meet you’re company is what I’ve been longing for most of the times. All I wish is that someday may we find the courage to both talk whatever we are feeling for each other and to forgive each other of the hurt we cause. I love you before and I still love you now. And  I hope time will be kind and erase the sad moments in between and just bring back the happy days I always felt with you.

I was just walking by passing through the guitars and keyboards on sale when this beautiful melody tantalizes my senses. Oh I really feel so alive as if I’m suddenly an angel drifting through clouds of heavenly symphony. Along with that feeling flashbacks suddenly enter my reverie bringing me back to the time when I first know you. The feelings where so raw as if it was just yesterday once again when it suddenly hit me why of all the people that I’ve meet you’re the only one who made a big difference in my life.

It was late sunday evening of december ‘07, the windows in our living room was open, the air was a bit windy and chilly outside but not eerie at all. It was just the right ambience — solitary comfort I so long in my chaotic life at time. My messenger was on and then a  message pop,

“Hello, how you’ve been doing my friend?”

“I’m just fine relaxing just got back from church.”

“Ahh so did you fix the problem with your computer, can I call you now?”

“My mic isn’t working still, but you can call if you like “

And you call to make my evening more relaxing. It was one of those nights when you feel you are at peace and in harmony with the world. No problems to think about, no noisy people to disturb your solitude, no pollution to invade your senses just pure heavenly bliss. I was not contented to just hear your voice so I ask you to play something as a background to your one-sided call. You must have a sixth sense or something because of all the song to play on a night that fine you pick “Angels brought me here” which just compliments my mood perfectly. But thinking about it now brought a smile on my face because it’s quite funny you talking to me for an hour and me answering you through the keyboard coz’ my mic won’t work. It was the beginning of a new friendship and my rollercoaster feelings for you.

I thought you were just someone to pass time by when I’m bored with life and needed someone to talk to. But as time goes I’ve realize there was so much in you that I find so lovable. Our love for music was the one thing that keeps us bonded together, listening through songs of our youth as if we were silly teenagers back in high school laughing and just being crazy. You make me smile for no reason at all even in my gloomiest days just seeing your smiley face brightens me up. Your childish ways compliments me so well because by then I can just be plain me and not be trapped in the adult world of living. We are two people with peter pan syndrome finding silly things to laugh about with each other.

You were just a refreshing diversion from all those freaks and weirdos I’ve meet before. But besides the facade you show to the world I sense something within you I can emphathize. You are a lost, wounded soul still searching for your path here on earth. That search brings you closer to God gives you the faith to move on with whatever hard lesson life has dealt you before. You have your share of regrets and heartaches but it didn’t hinder you from moving forward. What really amazes me is how that faith of yours keep me strong at the weakest and darkest moment in my life. You were my burning light when it seems my candle won’t shimmer anymore. Somehow even when you are far from me your presence lingers and keep me holding on to the light.

The first time we promise we’ll see each other it didn’t push through then we lost touch. After a couple of months we communicated again, you say you’ll be visiting my place to have a vacation then it got cancelled again. When you attended a wedding of your friend here in my place you send me a message if I want to meet but I did not go cause I was too scared. I was so sick and thin at that time. Truth be told the vain part of me was scared you might not like what you see. I thought I will lost you for good at that time that I was wallowing in my regrets and self pity that at least I should have meet you for real. However, my plan to go outside the country push through and just before my flight you send me a message telling me that you might stay here for good. It was really unbelievable because it seems fate does not want us to meet.

I follow my dreams and I fly away thinking it was the right thing to do, to finally be living on my own and for myself not knowing I would be miserable in a couple of months. Despite that chaotic and confusing time you were always there to encourage me and strengthen me to pursue my dreams and my goals but I was weak. You were part of the reason why I came home because I realize that my dreams have change I was not after the gold that glitters. I just want to meet that person who have teach my heart to beat much faster than before, who teach me that by loving one must be forgiving, who teach me how to embrace life in all its totality and shortcoming, who teach me to love no matter what.

I thought it was all just an idea, a preconceived romantic notion I always have knowing my romantic nature but the first time I saw you oh geezzz I really do feel that tug in my heart which my sis fondly calls a “heartstrings” and no it was not gratitude that I felt. I really do felt something for you deeply than all of the men who’ve passed my life. I thank you that I’ve known you and become a part of my life and if people ask me why I fall in love with you? I’ll just say “I don’t know” because if you really love someone there’s no rhyme or reason, you just feel it deep within and feel a certain warmth all over which you can’t quite comprehend.

8-24-09 11pm

Loving someone too much sometimes becomes too painful because you’re too overly passionate about your feelings. But at the same time the most euphoric state you could ever feel making you soar so high like an eagle.

I’ve never love so deep in my life before but with you it seems so easy to fall deeper into you each day. I don’t know how deep or how long my love will last but all I know that its too strong to be called infatuation. I have this feeling for so long and you’ve made me happy for a time just spending sometime with you.

I don’t know much about your feelings for me because you’ve never showed, although at times I think you seem to care but there are moments when I doubt. When my doubts came and insecurities sets in I feel hurt and so small because I love you so much. You’ll always be in my heart and I’m thankful for the time you make me feel so alive and my life is filled with love.

But I can’t go on loving you forever and waiting for the time you’ll show me the love that I’m searching for, so I’ll walk away feeling sad but at least I know that I’m capable of loving someone so deep and so true. I’ll be grateful to you for that because at last I’m not the emotionless, ice princess that people wish to think of me.

Life is empty without someone to love, but it’s more  sad to think if the one you love doesn’t feel as much as you’re feeling. I’ve been in this state for months  now, I don’t really like this feeling. I try not to think about it, my longings and my wishes that somehow you’ll treat me as more than a friend. I’ve been deluding myself that we could have more. Everytime we see each other I wish to hug you, kiss you and be always there for you and never let go. But then you only see me as your friend, the one who’s always there for you when you needed someone, something or anything. You said I’m a lifesaver, an angel and all sorts of gratitude but I guess I’m selfish because I want more from you. I want you to love me the way that I love you. But I guess sometimes life is not like that cause I might like one thing and you like another thing so we’re always running at the opposite end. I don’t want to keep on feeling this way, to keep missing you at odd moments and to keep hoping for things that could have been. I just wish to accept what we are and hopefully find a new love in the horizon.

Oh how I wish to tell you what I am feeling inside? Just to let you know that somehow you have a special place in my heart. Unfortunately something’s holding me back why I can’t say it to you directly. Maybe I fear the part that you’ll say to me “Hey let’s just be friends like we are now.” Maybe I am expecting something that if I ever do tell you how much you mean to me then perhaps you’ll say “I love you sunshine.”  There are only two scenarios that could happen if I ever feel the guts to tell you so but I guess I am just too chickens**t to say what I really feel. I am just too freaking contented of how things are. Or maybe I am just deluding myself that I am contented when deep inside I feel a certain sadness that in my dreams I see the two of us together for all times but in reality we are friends but not the way I would have imagine it to be. I guess for now I’ll just accept this thing since the guts always left me out in the cold and loneliest days of my life.

It is hard to love someone in silent. It is hard to keep that love to yourself knowing that it wants to be set free, to be let go and to be share. But I have no choice but to keep this feeling to myself. You warned me not to love you because I might only hurt myself in the process. I guess you know deep inside that you cannot give away what you don’t feel in your heart. I don’t know which is painful keeping this love to myself or not getting the love I want from you. Either way it still hurt a bit knowing you love someone who treats you only as a friend. 

I thought what I feel for you was just gratitude for the time when loneliness seems to envelop me and you were there to lift my spirit up. But everytime I see you I know it’s more than gratitude and I know that you have a soft spot here in my heart. I know I feel a certain affection towards you but geeezzz it’s so hard to keep this feeling to myself. It’s so hard loving you in silence. It’s so hard to be just your friend.

But come to think of it I’ll rather love you like a mute and be your friend than tell you I love you and you’ll go away from me.

After a long time waiting and now I see you face to face and I can’t believe that what my heart tells me is real. I don’t know what is it with you, I don’t know why I feel this so but all I know is that you make me feel alive. The simple things that you do without you even realizing it makes me go on with my life. I’m not too overly dramatic about it nor too sentimental I’m past that stage but your presence did make a great impact in my life. I thank you for so many things, I even thank you for the time in between the long wait with all the confusion and question because by then I’ll really know that what I feel for you is real. I don’t know where the road will lead us I don’t know about the future at all but one thing I do know is I love you with all my heart and I’m so grateful to God that our path did cross after so long waiting.

A new year has finally enter and it seems my life’s drama still going on and on. Well it’s not actually a drama but this feeling I have for you seems an endless cycle I can’t quite escape. But sometimes its too hard to make a really good choice as if I feel myself watching the hit series for “love or money” where you are to choose which you prefer the love or the money. It’s what a close friend once says to me that a beauty queen during a question and answer portion was asked if you were given a choice which would you choose crown or love  and she says the crown.

So my friend ask me what would you choose and I tell her at this moment in my life I would choose the crown because if you were to ask me a couple of months back or year ago I would definitely say love. That is just me I’m a romantic person always believing that love is far greater than any money or riches can be found in life. However if one get burn too many times one prefers to choose the crown or the money than continue on playing with fire all for the glory of love.

But in your case its really so hard to decide because I’ve waited too long for you, I’ve hold on to you when the pain I’ve felt was too strong, I’ve forgive you too many times when I thought you’ve left me hanging in there. Now that I’m at a point where my dreams are too precious to me it seems you’re calling me home to take a chance with you, to take a risk and to choose love once again. 

It’s really a confusing time for me when I’ve invested too much already to pursue a dream of being independent yet the allure of your arms waiting for me seems to keep me alive of a promise perhaps of a new love. Could I possibly be happy with just a crown or could I possibly have the best of both world by knowing how to do to the right balance. Well who knows God really is the only one who can answer my prayer but honestly speaking at this moment in time I’m really confuse which path to take.